About Me

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I'm an artist, an educator, Pastafarian and I write. I also will gamble on just about anything. And I like unusual juxtaposition, but I love my wife...and beer. This blog is observations from a funny old man who gets pissed off every once in a while. Oh, and I mispell alot.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

WEDNESDAY 9/5/12



For the sake of your emotional well-being and that of your loved ones, I hope your football team excels this year.
But remember, as far as the little lady is concerned, there are many fantasies not involving football.


So I was working to tidy up my studio a few days ago, all of a sudden, I hear 2001 begin way off in the distance. In about three seconds I knew it had to be coming from WILLIAMS-BRICE which is more than three miles away! They are apparently testing the new sound system and here I am standing in my driveway listening, staring off into space like those convicts in Shawshank when Andy plays the Marriage of Figaro. Chill bumps on my arms that are wet from the rain and a few tears on my face ...  Thanks, WB sound crew. You made this Gamecock's night.


Cookie, anyone?


1,000 words....

STRICT PARENTS CREATE SNEAKY CHILDREN.



I think my asshole itches a lot more than the average asshole, but I don't have any data to back it up.



"Wow, you look so classy taking a picture of yourself in that dirty bathroom mirror," said no one ever.



Keep calm and kill Kenny.



A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
Unless you have epilepsy, then birds are the least of your problems.






You are never too old to dream of committing the perfect murder.



I would so like a gravy flavored jelly bean.



Kids have so much energy because they siphon it out of their parents like midget gasoline thieves.



There is a bar named Group Therapy in my town...it's a rough place. I've only been in there a few times...all while I was drunk. I once saw a woman giving a man a blow job while he stood at the bar. This is not their sign, I was just surprised that there were two bars named that....




Good posture comes easier to some people...

This has got to be the worst advice I have ever seen in print. Live is not about pushing. Life is about enjoying.

The best part of a plan is doing the "plan laugh". That collective giggle that tells you everyone's on the same page.



So, you think there is nothing funny about banjos?

Aunt Myrtle copping a feel...

After proposing to my wife, I told her that I would never let anything stand between us....except my hard-on.



Wife and I went out to a fancy restaurant last night. When we got our food I asked her to look around the floor because with such small portions I was certain part of my meal had dropped on the floor.



Lack toast and tolerant.
(you might want to read that out loud)



Restaurant sign on our vacation island:
NO SHIRT
NO SHOES
NO PROBLEM



Wife has started speaking pirate with a Jamaican accent. I can hardly understand a word she says, but at least she stopped limping.
I don't think she was adequately vetted.


From what I understand, there is a worldwide helium shortage. Besides the whole balloon thing, helium is used to cool these bad boys....

I like to compliment new brides' rings with an offer to buy them at fair market value after the divorce. 



The average meth purity in the Czech Republic is only 60%.



Rule 39.....



Syria. Their own countrymen did this to them...

It reads "Bitch"....

Never break up with someone when you are a passenger in their car.



Saw another censored subtitle that took "fucking cock sucker" and turned it into "fairy god mother".



Anybody know what this is...or more specifically where?


Minerals are for fucking gypsies.



Is it Christmas yet?



Don't fucking be ungrateful.



This is the most important sentence a parent can learn.
The second most important thing is "How do you think we can find out?"

There are many of these from the same period; all different, but all with multiple wounds....

I got fucked by UPS one time. My order was for only $40, but the company sent it UPS, I didn't get and UPS more or less said, "Too fucking bad."

I'm waiting for someone to come up with the anti-social media.



AND THEN THERE'S THIS...
I'm running out of material. Sitting on the beach all fucking day leaves me no time to visit my usual sites where I steal stuff to show you. So, have a little patience.
Secondly, I laugh out loud a lot, but when I'm alone I (like almost everyone else) seldom laugh out loud. I read a article proving that people laugh at the same thing when with other people that they had not laughed at alone.
With that said, I laughed out loud when all alone at a new word. I had to say it over and over and immediately ran out to share it with my wife who also bellowed.
The word is: REDNECKOGNIZE.
Have fun putting that in sentences.
Here's only one of mine: Jim Bob said he had only had eleventy-two beers, but Barbara Ann redneckognized it to mean he was drunk.

2 comments:

Alex said...

"I have no idea to this day what those two Gamecock ladies were singing about. Truth is, I don't want to know. Some things are better left unsaid. I'd like to think they were singing about something so beautiful, it can't expressed in words, and it makes your heart ache because of it. I tell you, those voices soared higher and farther than anybody in a grey place dares to dream. It was as if some beautiful bird had flapped into our drab little cage and made these walls dissolve away, and for the briefest of moments, every last man in Gamecock Nation felt free."

-Ralph Waldrop, upon hearing "Thus Spake Zarathustra" blasted from Williams-Brice Stadium in his Rosewood driveway, three miles from the stadium.

Daniel said...

Nabiyotum Crater in Lake Turkana - the world's largest desert lake and the world's largest alkaline lake - in the Great Rift Valley in Kenya.

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