About Me

My photo
I'm an artist, an educator, Pastafarian and I write. I also will gamble on just about anything. And I like unusual juxtaposition, but I love my wife...and beer. This blog is observations from a funny old man who gets pissed off every once in a while. Oh, and I mispell alot.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

WEDNESDAY #1388




Spooky as shit...

I can still wear the same size pants I wore in high school...

This is the way I looked when my wife attempted to explain our annuities and shit.
 Finally, she said, "You're not even listening to me. What are you going to do if something happened to me?"
I said, "Marry another smart woman."
That sincerely seemed to please her.

There are no words...

I like knowing shit like this...

I heard a guy say today, "I don't trust the federal government to do anything efficiently."
I concur.

TRUE: Tonight the bar was rather noisy. The woman next to me used the word "decimated" in a sentence.
(At this point you should just make up a random sentence using the word decimated.)
Well, the guy next to her thought she said "desecrated" and averred that it had to have something holy involved.
I was completely befuddled, since I thought she had said "defecated" and, anyway, a good time was had by all.



SAID TO BE TRUE:  Within the next 20 years, for the first time in recorded history, more than 50% of the world's population will NOT be living in poverty.



Studies show that "thicker, more luxuriant nose hairs" reduce your risk of asthma.



How is this possible?  How does the fat know to go just there?

Knives don't kill people. Colt 45 kills people...

Give me a break! 

Oh, look! They have a new house...

If I had to listen to morning DJ prank calls I'd kill myself too. Just sayin'.



My wife is starting to look like a normal human being in landscape mode.


Not sure if factual, but a rather cool photo...

Remember, folks, the key to happiness is to lower your expectations.


 Pharmasist.

Remember the bank bailouts we all hated? Well, the government made billions and billions of profits from their AIG deal....or at least that's what I heard on TV.



My daughter and I have always had a very open relationship. One night she came home from a date and said, "Tonight three guys told me I give the best blowjobs they have ever had."
I said, "Could you teach your mother how to do that?"



Plenty of rich folks want war. Give them the  fucking guns.


We've all had days like this...

Birthing pool. I don't think so.

If you don't know Monk, then this will make no sense...

Mothers are the necessity of invention.
(think back when you were in high school)




Americans would benefit from spending much less time and energy expressing outrage and offense at anti-American sentiment, and far more time and energy trying to understand why it’s so widespread and intense.




How....cerebral...

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck...

I'm thinking of mounting a few of these only with bullet holes...


A man from Scotland recently completed 7 ultra-marathons on all 7 continents in 7 days.

Meanwhile, I fell asleep in the middle of a haircut.




From driftwood...


Hef's new squeeze...

Researchers say that birdsongs have grammatical attributes.



Found another time traveler with a cell phone...

OOMVO...

 Which leads to a great new movie...



When prehistoric fossils were first discovered in rocks, 18th century scientists insisted that they were natural formations, accidental conformations of rock, rather than undertake a massive revision of all their ideas about nature and the age of the earth.




Ran into a great photography site. Here are but a few...








This is why pistols are waterproof...


I’m really not too bad for my age, if you don’t look too close…or ask me to do anything.




Parenthood is an amazing opportunity to be able to ruin somebody from scratch.


OOMVO...


Life is just the dead on vacation.




Sometimes when I'm feeling blue, I sit down and make a list of all the people who are alive today simply because I don't want to go to prison.


OOMVO...

Am I the only one who gets roadrage pushing a cart through Walmart? More often than not, I put on my sunglasses and put it in full Grand Theft Auto mode.



Try this: When you stop at a red light, look over to see if the other driver is looking down texting. Then if there's no one behind you, put it in reverse and back up rather quickly. The other driver will think they are going forward and freak the fuck out!
You're welcome.


Moon landings...

How to know you have a really good doctor...

There is so very much wrong with this...shaved face is only one of them. This is art so bad it goes in one eye and out the other.

This kind of tells a little story, don't it...


Families: so at least somebody gives a shit.





Research shows that in 100% of the cases when someone says "Oh no she didn't!" she in fact did.
(I found that very, very funny)


Damn, I wish I had thought of this...


Whatever happened to crying while eating?





People who refer to celebrities by their first names.





Decades of research have consistently shown that brainstorming groups think of far fewer ideas than the same number of people who work alone and later pool their ideas.





Did you ever notice that what’s on people's minds comes through in their walk?




The road to paradise IS paradise.



Because she can, that's why...


I wonder if gorillas throw shit in the wild.







No comments:

Random Post

Random Posts Widget

Blog Archive