TUESDAY #1565

Can anybody explain such a thing?

I'm thinking it's a charity event or some such shit.

Speaking of soccer, Tahiti played Nigeria today and got beat 6 to 1. Tahiti only has one professional player and played accordingly. Next stop for them....Spain...the hands down best team in the world. I wonder what the world's record score is in an international soccer match. I'm thinking double digits here.
(I wasn't going to put this in my blog, but my wife told me too...she likes underdog stories)

What pricks...

...and you know what they say about Turkish prisons.

When one has not had a good dad, he must create one.

(some of us used our own fathers as examples of what not to do)

Do you have any idea how many photos you have to shoot before you end up with one like this?

I don't either, but it's a lot.

Watched another very, very strange movie: “Stingray Sam”, a space/cowboy/musical. Here's a line about the time every human became rich and there was no one to do the work...

"Physical labor would not be looked down upon as long as you were famous at what you did."

How long before Americans say enough is enough?

Let's establish an over/under for the rebellion on the percentage of national wealth the top 10% can have before the bottom 90% just fucking shoot them.

Went to Wendy’s drive thru and ordered "mustard and onions only, no cheese" on a single burger. I got mayonnaise and pickle with cheese. There was a long line of cars so I went inside to exchange it. As I waited in the line I saw a woman dip her French fries in her chocolate milk shake like normal people would dip a potato chip into onion dip.
And this if fucking freaky...I went to Google images with "dipping french fries" in hopes of finding an image of a person holding two or three side by side because that's how that woman did it, and on the first page was this picture...

IT'S SOMEONE DIPPING THEIR FUCKING FRENCH FRY INTO THEIR FUCKING CHOCOLATE MILK SHAKE!!!
Is there nothing new in the world? Here I had thought I found the only person in the world who did that.

Cowards are not the ones who blow themselves up.
Cowards are the ones who use drones to do their killing from the comfort of an air conditioned office.

What I say to telemarketers:

"I’m sorry, but my 'Dealing With Assholes Day' is scheduled for the 10^th of never. Please call back then."

Aaaaaawkwaaaard.....

Wishing your pet could talk is fun until you remember all the weird shit it’s seen you do.

This reminds me of the phycological test I took once. It was a gridded piece of paper with a different "squiggle" in each box. I, of course, connected boxes, had some sideways, etc. The tester said he had never seen anything like it before. I took that as a supreme compliment...

“Jesus Loves You” means something entirely different in a Mexican prison.

This is what lack of adequate planning looks like up close...

I don’t trust joggers. They’re always the ones that find the dead bodies. Just sayin’.

The internet is going nuts over this thing...

I understand the concept, but I don't see a power source.

Question: How do you discover that this works?

They have a new mint flavored birth control pill you take right before sex. It’s call “Predickamints.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

I've got a new gag only old men can pull off.
We have a lot of outdoor cafes where I live. When I walk by a table with one bearded and one clean shaven man, I compliment the man with a beard then ask him, "Can't your friend handle the weight of manhood?" When they laugh I look at the clean shaven man and say, "Be careful when shaving. Wouldn't want to get any shaving cream on your blouse."
Then I....just....walk....away.

Wife never throws anything out and hell hath no fury if she catches me doing it. I smuggle out pens out of ink like a Mexican Drug Lord.

Shit you don't see everyday...

This is me when my new wife and my ex-wife decided to drive to Florida together.

Have you ever had wanderlust so badly that you...

On road trips, some times grown men still call shotgun. When they do, I yell "Rosa Parks!", sit down and refuse to move.

Early on in my life I got a wonderful piece of advice that I would like very much to share with all you young men.

To wit: For evening sex, women want you to start making love to them first thing in the morning.
The man in the picture above understands the rules.

We all know that most men just want sex and with it they are satisfied and without that are grumpy. Women go for the quality over the quantity. 

And then there's Rule #1.....

The last thing a man wants to hear during sex is "Are you even trying?" Trust me. I know.

It’s not the size of the ship, nor the motion of the ocean…it’s whether the captain stays in port long enough for all the passengers to get off.

One of my very own...

The most dangerous place to be in an action movie is in a helicopter.

Black holes suck....

How is it that flies can find their way into your house through a pinhole in the screen, but can't find their way out through a wide open fucking door?


How do they know which dinosaur it came from?

You ever write something down and just for a instant look for the save button?


I always heard Michael Jackson bought the copyright...

LIFE: A sexually transmitted disease which always ends in death. There is currently no known cure.

Recognize this woman?

 Her name is Valentina Tereshkova. In 1963 she became the first woman in space. And for us to honor her it matters not what country's name was on the outside of the capsule. She almost died on the trip by the way.

Funny that all of Nixon's crimes - anonymous campaign cash, wiretapping, undeclared wars - are all legal now. 

Ladies, when it comes to doggy-style, I’m behind you 100%.

OOMVO...kind of...

OOMVO...

To be honest, this thing is looking like a better and better idea...

When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together, it spells "THEIRS". 
It's a lot easier if you just stop thinking of it as your money.

I found it hard to masturbate to this...

 ...then I remembered to take off my pants.

Just wonder how the graffiti "artists" would feel if someone came into their apartment and spray painted their walls...

...or their car. Or their grandmother's house.

Sucking at something is the first step to being sorta good at something.

WWII dietary advice...

Who knew?

My wife is not allowed to laugh at other men's jokes. She has to come to me and I'll decide if it's funny.

I knew we were in trouble when we started two wars and the only sacrifice the public was asked to make was to go out and buy shit...

That man's sins were just washed away...

I call that a reality deficiency....or voodoo...either way, why in the name of Elvis would you believe it?

AND THEN THERE'S THIS...
The science show "Through the Wormhole" discussed impending doom on earth and moving a few million people to another planet. They discussed possible fuels, artificial gravity, etc, but they didn't address who should go. So I will.
I think we can all agree that there are groups of people who would be shoo-ins...scientists, engineers, professors, doctors, teachers, all with ethnic diversity, etc. Then the people at the bottom rung would be left behind...bums, drug addicts, child rapists, the insane and mentally impaired, old people, etc.
Now my question to you is, would you be considered for inclusion? Shoe salesman? I don't think so. Graffiti artists. No. Snowboarder? Why? 
I think the real battles will occur over whether to include religious people. Imagine having a gigantic space ship zooming through the heavens for a generation or two en route to a new home planet and have on board people who thought that they might just run into god sitting on a throne.....a throne....sitting....with his son sitting at his side....his right hand side. 
Maybe when we pass through their neighborhood we will miss them because it will be their day to come to earth and give all the masturbating teenagers cancer. Who the fuck knows...could be.


And also...
One of my posts from last December is getting hits out the ass. I went back and looked at it and, even if I have to say so myself, it pretty damn funny. Anyway, if you would like to take a stroll down memory lane, just click.
>>>>> CLICK HERE <<<<<

MONDAY #1564

If it’s true that if you’re doing nothing wrong then you have nothing to hide, why doesn’t the government declassify everything?

Spooktalk 101...

And this from England...

Why you should care about surveillance.

When a computer programmer named David Mery entered a tube station wearing a jacket in warm weather, an algorithm monitoring the CCTV brought him to the attention of a human operator as someone suspicious. When Mery let a train go by without boarding, the operator decided it was alarming behavior. The police arrested him, searched him, asked him to explain every scrap of paper in his flat. A doodle consisting of random scribbles was characterized as a map of the tube station. Though he was never convicted of a crime, Mery is still on file as a potential terrorist eight years later, and can't get a visa to travel abroad. Once a computer ascribes suspiciousness to someone, everything else in that person's life becomes sinister and inexplicable.

But think about this...For decades the government has had the right to to record the addresses on the outside of letters and parcels...who sent what to whom and when. The Supreme Court said that a person should have no expectations of privacy since dozens of postal inspectors had access to the information anyway.
The argument is, the phone company and all their employees have a record of who called who and when, etc, so you have, de facto, given up your right to keep it private.
Interesting argument.

I think this is an excellent idea...

Bomb, Ricon, Patriot, Tea Party, Freedom.
There! I did my part.

Not that it would ever happen, but just in case: do not talk to the FBI without your lawyer present. Chances are that the agents will politely decline to interview you if you and your attorney insist on creating an accurate record of an FBI interrogation.

And this headline hot off the wire...

Now take a look at this...

Dearest Amerian Citizens, if you tried this shit in this country, you would....be....shot.....dead.
With justification.

You really, really need to take the time to read all of this...

Police are still investigating.....you think?!

Watched "Cloud Atlas". Still not sure how I feel about it.
Very strange movie.

Irony #1...

If gay people don't use the phrase "I can't think straight around you" as a pick up line, then they have missed a genuinely great opportunity.

Some times when I'm bored I like to go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on people's cars saying "Sorry for the damage", then just sit and watch them look for it.

Irony #2...

Mosquitos are assholes.

#3...

One small step for fish, one giant leap for mankind...

Growing up, I was so poor I had to take the trash IN.

Russia and Japan have never signed an official peace treaty with each other to end World War II.

This was designed for WWII to function on gasoline which was always readily available...

In 1942, American radio DJs were prohibited from taking listener requests. The government feared that enemy spies would embed secret messages.

I bet you 90% of Americans would get this wrong...

If aliens are smart enough to travel through space, who do they keep abducting the dumbest people on earth?

 Am I the only one to notice that child's ass?! I mean, damn, ya'll, that ain't normal!

This is a bottle etched with a recording similar to Edison's first phonograph...

Most Americans would call this silly.

 Most Americans are stupid.

I came upon this image and wanted to use it to make a point...or observation; to wit, I think shoes are some of the most maldesigned objects mankind has ever developed.

I'm not talking about specialized bootwear for mountain climbing or swimming under water, etc; I'm just talking about every day footwear for just traversing life.

I wanted to say that flip flops fulfills everything I respect in footwear. They are cheap, they don't deform the foot, they do not require any laces, zippers or straps and the materials are usually cheap. But that wasn't the primary comment I wanted to make. I think women's feet are beautiful (most of them) and flip flops allow me to marvel at their exquisiteness with impunity. Adornment of the appendages only heighten my enjoyment.

But then in this picture I noticed that this child's foot has been deformed by her other footwear. Notice how the big toe has been deformed to angle to the shape of her shoes. Sad really.

Behold the culprit of permanent deformed...

This is a normal foot. This young woman wears shoes that are shaped like....oh....FEET!

But if you want to adorn those assets, darlin', you go right ahead...I got no qualms with foot adornment...

And lastly something sort of topical...

It is almost impossible for me to read that without it being in his voice.

When you have just given me the hole in your logic and I am now patiently waiting for you to finish your flawed point...

A man describes what it was like to be swallowed by a hippopotamus: "It was as if I had suddenly gone blind and deaf.  I was aware that my legs were surrounded by water, but my top half was almost dry. I seemed to be trapped in something slimy. There was a terrible, sulfurous smell, like rotten eggs, and a tremendous pressure against my chest. My arms were trapped but I managed to free one hand and felt around – my palm passed through the wiry bristles of the hippo's snout. It was only then that I realized I was underwater, trapped up to my waist in his mouth.

#4...

#5...

 #6...

That awkward moment when you ask a midget what he wants to be when he grows up.

?????????

 #7...

 #8...

Scientists have discovered why some female spiders eat their mates. According to data analysis, it turns out the male spiders deserve it.

One of my very own...

That little black dot is a rock that has rolled down a hill on Mars...you can see the track it left...

I once told my daughter that nine months before she was born I brought her on a date and she left with her mother.

Don’t you just hate it when you shit so hard you get a  nose bleed.

#9...

From Monopoly rules...

Alex, I'll take "Things that won't end well" for $1,000.

9 out of 10 people will say "Home Alone"...

(In the South we call that Saturday night.)

Does this look like what a grown man ought to spend his time doing? Seriously..............Really?

  

Is it just me or does William Shatner’s last name sound like some weirdass German porn.

The best laid plans...and #10...

It’s hard to contemplate world dominance with your dick stuck in the vacuum cleaner hose….again.

You....ah....missed a spot....

Laughter is like a smile having an orgasm.

"With every crime and every kindness we birth our future."

The weak are meat and the strong do eat.

I've been giving a lot of time thinking about death...not in a morbid way...just looking at it as one would any other problem.

AND THEN THERE'S THIS...
Came across this today and thought it worth sharing...

"I am a lifelong opponent of appeals to “the slippery slope”, but there is one exception and that is the taking of human life. Take one, no consequences, and the taking of the next gets easier, and once a society goes down the path of deciding some lives are not worthy of life (“Lebensunwertes Leben”, in the original German) it gets only too easy to go a little farther and decide that the original batch was not far enough, and that if it was in society’s interest to have gotten rid of them, then we can go down the path a little more and get rid of some more “parasites” and “non-productives” and while we’re at it, one or another minority group that “harms social cohesion” or some such."

(Think drone strikes)