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My wife likes to place a night light in the motel bathroom so I can find my Pepto-Bismol at night. But she ALWAYS forgets to take it with her when we check out. She just keeps buying more. She is like the Johnny Appleseed of night lights. 
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I am getting very nervous. My wife has begun to hold my arm whenever we walk together, and laugh at my jokes and even kiss me on the lips with some tongue action from time to time. She's up to something.
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Our route today was more or less forced upon us. We calculated a 4, 5 or even 6 hour drive, but can't find a town with any motel rooms in the direction we want to go. In the largest town, Montrose, Colorado, every room is full due to a convention. A convention in Montrose, Colorada...boy, that ought to be fun. So, we had to change our route. Dodge City, Kansas is our next Emerald City and it is due east, but we are forced to drive due north to find a room. The upside is that we get to see Arches National Park, which we have heard is awesome. I wanted to stay in Paradox, Colorado just because I like the name, but it was not to be.
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And now, gentle readers, it's 7:30am here and time for USA World Cup. It's very strange to watch a major sporting event without a beer in my hand.
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I'm now in Fruita, Colorado, a wide place in the road, and the only place to stay the night is a real hotel, with polished brass luggage cart, uniformed staff and elevator. It's not really "us", but it has the fastest Wi-Fi I have ever seen.
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The USA soccer game was disappointing. We WERE robbed by a baffling (to put it mildly) call by the referee, but Slovenia has a total population equal to Houston and we were a two goal favorite. I mean, come on USA.
And how in the name of Patsy Cline can we only tie a team that dresses in little Charlie Brown uniforms.
(if you didn't see the game, then that will make no sense)
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Arches National Monument was really something. There were huge rock formations that were the most impressive yet, especially the arches.
And the balanced rocks...(I could have shown you a hundred of these, but you can just go on line and see the images taken with a better camera than I have)...
There were other giant rocks that look just like the spires made at the beach by dribbling wet sand; giant golf balls on tees; multi-colored layered cakes; resembling dinosaur dung the size of office buildings; and, as my wife took special delight in pointing out and photographing, human and animal penises.
Each time she discovered yet another phallus, she would giggle like a school girl. I was afraid she was going to start telling me which of her ex-boyfriends certain formations reminded her, but maybe that was what she was giggling about.
I could have pointed out other rock formations that suggested other forms of genitalia, but I consider myself above such cheap gutter humor.
The one thing I DID NOT like about Arches was the traffic. It reminded me of Hoover Fucking Never-Go-Back-Again Dam.
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There are many, many Harley bikers out west...and by Harley bikers I mean fat CPA's and ENT's with their Harley vest over their Harley T-shirts, with their Harley leather pants and Harley boots, topped with a Harley head bandana and Harley hat coving a bald head. When a group of them end up in a restaurant together they always talk too loudly. But they order salad and tuna sandwiches...like their fat wives. It's my bet the high caloric stuff is secreted in one of their nine saddle bags and later they sit around in the dark and "DO" Snicker bars and Cheese Whiz squirted directly into each other's mouths and say things like 'Oh, baby, oh, baby'.
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Of all the things I have seen during our outing, this one stop made me smile the most.
The shop and the two "houses" on the right are carved into the rock.
Besides putting a quotation mark where a apostrophe should be, this guy and I have a lot in common.
Let's just start with the Jeep made entirely out of old auto tags and junk. (note: this is not a Jeep covered in tags...it is MADE of tags) The wheels are a mesh made of old locks, wrenches, pliers, spark plugs, etc.
And the fiberglass bone and ceramic dog on the roof? Why the fuck not?
Then there was the giant donut that looks made of old boots...
The face carved right into the rock that looks like FDR is peeking through a hole AND finds it amusing...
And not just a Bigfoot sighting, but the OFFICAL (sic) Bigfoot Sighting!!!
During the 50 yards to the sighting locale, there were directional signs and in case you have a need to consult your deity, a pagoda.
And I assume for our African-American brothers, ELEPHANTS!!!!
I LOVED THIS PLACE!!!!! Which brings me to one of my favorite subjects.
Whether you like Hole n" the Rock or not, you must concede that you can't find stuff like this on the interstate. I would take this over some hyped up Six Flags any day.
I could go further: if what America is about are those fast food joints and chain motels that you find along the interstate, then I want none of it. Most every meal we order, we really don't know if we will like it or not. We are buying a pig in a poke. The ribs at Joe's Rib Shack might be awful....BUT THEY ARE REAL.
The room at the Big Sky Inn might have worn furniture and some plaster damage, but SO DOES MY HOUSE!!!
Why is it that most people will sacrifice every iota of excitement and unexpectedness for safety and sameness? Do you remember me writing a few days ago that I won't let my gas gauge go below half a tank? Well, there's a reason for that. Sometimes we find ourselves 150 miles from a gas station. We are out of cell phone range more often than we are in it. When my wife tries to make a call and the device actually works...SHE GET'S EXCITED!!! When was the last time you got excited because your cell phone worked?
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I found another tattoo to share...
Can you say 'It's time for brainwashing', boys and girls?
Please, I beg of you, if you go to a church that shoves this crap down little childrens' throats, have the guts to stand up and tell them you won't tolerate the insanity any longer. Do it for the kids. They will thank you for it.
One of my very own...
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