My wife and I are going to take a little road trip up to North Carolina to see my friend Billy Love.  

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Virginia's Marquis Weeks caps off  his 100-yard return for a touchdown with these words: "That was just instinct.  Kind of like running from the cops."

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Lady Gaga in introducing a new perfume called...........................A1.

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If I know anything for certain, it is this: ALWAYS USE A SHARP X-ACTO BLADE.

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Sure he does, Sparky, sure he does.  Now go take your medication.

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In East Chicago schools, no student can earn below a C...D's and F's have simply been eliminated. Problem solved.

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The brother of my first wife flew one of these for the Navy.  Before his first tour, his aircraft carrier left without him and the plan was that he would fly to the boat.  Upon his first carrier landing he flew that son of bitch directly into the ocean...and his body was never recovered.

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Dr. Seuss would've been the greatest 

rapper alive today.

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Listen up, ladies.  If you are thinking about a photo to put on a dating sight, I have an idea for you....Behind every successful man is an exhausted woman...

A woman in Korea passed her driver's test on the 960th attempt. (TRUE)

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This guy looks like my brother.  I have never understood the whole comb over thing.  Even with Herculean effort you still look like a bald guy, but an embarrassed bald guy.

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To be creative, you have to give up your fear of failure.

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It was stated that this was not photoshopped....check out the shadow...

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Music is what feelings sound like.

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There is no way to explain to a non-father what this feels like...but I'll try.  Moments like that were the happiest I have ever been, will ever be and could ever be.

And relatively speaking, I was awarded that gift for free...

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These are MY seven deadly sins....

Apathy, Cruelty, Duplicity, Hypocrisy, False Morality, Abuse of Power, and Cultivated Ignorance.

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Of course, not all fathers treasure the gift as much as others...

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The best way to hate someone is to forget them.

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My wife's sister once had a horse named Cannabis and nobody figured it out.

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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!

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"Honey, why don't you just agree with me?!?"

"Then we'd both be wrong."

(don't try this at home.)

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THE POPE:  He's kind of like a school hamster that dies and gets replaced with one with the same name so the children won't cry.

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The amendment to outlaw alcohol was the only amendment to deny an American a right.  The others made sure we had them.  Now......Please continue pretending that everything is fine.

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WHAT A PHOTO!  Even if you know nothing of art and stuff, this has got to hit you...

(now I have new(er) desktop background image)

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I got an email today and this was part of it:

"When you last wrote, you said that your artist fee would be a non-negotiable $5,000.  Is there any wiggle room on this?  We are limited to raising/spending $2500."

My replay:

"Not to insult you, but I will be willing to take a 50% pay cut on the exact day that you, everyone on your staff, your board of directors at their jobs, and all the parks maintenance crews do the same.  Thank you."

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Speaking of money....A friend told me today that there is this really rich family in Columbia.  They made their money from land.  The money to buy the land came from this story:

Their grandfather was a runner for Al Capone.  His job was to drive to Miami, pick up a trunk FULL of cash from the numbers racket and drive it to Chicago.  On his last trip he was listening to the radio when it was announced that Al Capone had been arrested.  And this wise man just turned around and drove the money to his home and paid cash to his neighbors for their land....lots of land.

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One of my very own....

(and for you people who may have had just a little too much wine...sing the words to the tune of "YMCA")
(and for you people who are really, really stoned and were that way all the way through high school...the Huns were marauding barbarians)

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JUST HEARD THIS ON A TV AD:

IF YOU'RE BUILDING A TIME MACHINE, WHAT'S THE RUSH REALLY.

...think about that a minute.
(that is very, very clever)
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