FOLIO OLIO: RANDOM HOPEFULLY FUNNY STUFF

Fools! You give this thing a month and it will be knocking out Leonardo's.

When people show me a picture and says, "This is me when I was younger", I remind them that every picture of them was when they were younger.

I found this interesting. A mural of the house on the house...

For reasons that escape me, I once found myself in the same room with some very snooty people. A man walked up to me, introduced himself to me, told me what law firm her worked for, and then asked what I did. I told him I was a painter. His eyes lit up and he said, "Oh, really?! What do you paint?" I said, "Buildings."
He pasted a fake smile (the same one you give your demented cousin) and said, "Oooooh." Then looked for someone else to talk to.
He, of course, thought I was a "house painter", instead of an artist who painted murals on buildings.
I never bothered to tell him that my work could be seen in the NY Times, Newsweek, and every major TV Network. I just felt it wasn't any of his fucking business. And I didn't want to give him the pleasure of going home and telling his wife, "Guess who I met tonight."
Speaking of art....
It depresses me that I know a whole bunch of people who could visit this next house and the next day tell me, "All they did was nail up some boards they picked up off a trash pile."
Witnessing aesthetic illiteracy has always depressed me.

Upon reviewing this post, I can't let that go yet...
I would like to say straight up so there can't be any misunderstanding...

If you have walls, a driveway, a roof, beds, rugs, a kitchen, K-Mart art, WalMart bedspreads, etc, just like all your neighbors.....then PLEASE DO NOT INVITE ME TO YOUR HOUSE.....because I AM going to make fun of you.

Now we have to be punished for all mankind because of you women eating an apple. What was women's punishment? Painful childbirth, menstral cycles. Mans punishment....we have to deal with women.
That's why I get so upset with the "God hates gays" crowd. God doesn't hate gay people, he's just pissed off that they found a loop hole in the system.

I would like to meet this young woman...we are soul mates. If you don't know by now, I want us out of every war we are in and I want us out now.

I'll have more on my anti-war stance in other posts, but would like to tell you now that I think this fucking country is suffering from MORAL OUTRAGE FATIGUE.
We just can't cope with all the blatant insanity that we see happening and knowing....KNOWING that there ain't a fucking thing we can do about it.......take a deep breath....you may continue.
(MORAL OUTRAGE FATIGUE....write that shit down)

Fear is a sickness.

I shared this image with you a while back and asked if anyone had any ideas of how this could happen....

Well, here are two very good explanations:
1. If these trees were on a large lake's flood plain, the winter ice expands and could have pushed (very slowly so as not break them) young trees into this shape.
2. The trees being the same age lends credence to the idea that it is a tree farm and the trees were intensionally bent in this way to create wood for shipbuilding or other regional woodworking requirements.
Thank you both. I don't know which one is correct, but...DAMN! At least somebody out there is thinking about important problems like this.

This is a new mushroom that has just been identified. Because it resembles an ocean sponge, the man who found it named it SPONGIFORMA SQUAREPANTSII. Yes, it's named for SpongeBob SquarePants.
So what did you do today?

If you have never seen one of these, then....well.....okay.

If you don't know what this is, then you are younger than me and have missed a whole unfortunate chapter in American jurisprudence.

Sometimes I just fantasize about beating the shit out of people.

Every airport should have these in their waiting areas. Hell, if there was a slot in the arm I would drop a quarter or two just to use it....hmmmmmmmmmm.

TRUE NEW STUDY: Nails on a blackboard, sirens and jack hammers; none come close to whining for being the most annoying sound.

A lot of people say I look like him....

Give a man a fish and he won't be hungry for a day.
Give that man a beer and he won't be thirsty after that big ass fish he just ate.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!
I'm sorry, but that's one of the funniest things I've ever seen. I swear in the name of Lenny Bruce, I laugh out loud every time I look at it.

Let's do some captions that can speak for themselves...

Chapter 2 in the "fuck with people at the American Legion" saga: Tonight Bernie the Jew interrupted my friend and I while we were discussing something important. Without missing a beat my friend said, "And that's why I ain't never going to fuck that bitch again."
The ball was in my court, so I said, "But she hadn't been the wife of a priest very long had she?"
He: Oh, the motherfucker had only been out of the seminary three or so years, I guess.
Me: Well, was she good looking?
He: Well, she had her original teeth and all, but they was growin' out in all different directions.
(He demonstrated with hand gestures)
Bernie the Jew excused himself and my friend and I continued our conversation.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!! Goddamn I love to find shit that I never would have thought of.

Speaking of.....

This is a quote from somebody that is important, but not important enough for me to remember his name....

Who in the name of Roger Rabbit could expect the fucking Libyans to be FUNNY?!?!?!?!?!

I WANT TO MEET THAT BITCH!!!!
(for you foreigners reading this blog, "bitch", when used in this context, is a term of endearment)

The gate on the right was misread by someone on line to read: KNOWN TERRORISTS, and he posted it with comments that it was the stupidest thing he had ever seen.

....But thought it might just work.

My guess is that this woman would get a little help with that falling down part....

One minute....or the rest of your short fucking life!

There is something extremely ironic about this.

If you miss it, highlight below...

[ This child is firing an assault weapon and she's covered with peace signs ]

TRUE AS SHIT: Tonight my friend who rents the property in the back of my lot had a movie for me to watch. He gets Netflix sent to him and always gives me the option of watching what he has. This night he left the envelope with instructions for me to mail it back. My wife told me of this and then said, "Let me show you how to do it."
I said, "You want to show me how to mail a CD back?"
Her: Yes.
Me: Isn't it, like, idiot proof.
She glared at me, then proceeded to the porch, lifted the CD, placed it in the envelope, and said, "Then you just drop it in the mailbox."
I said, "Shouldn't I rip off that little tape thing and seal the envelope first?"
She: "Oh, yeah."
Goddamn, I love that woman!!!!!!!!!!

Warriors and ex-warriors will find this funny...hopefully...

Tonight for our anniversary my wife and I went to our favorite restaurant, ordered good wine, soft shelled crab and that big ass fish that looks like somebody pulled a William Wallace on his ass. Anyway, toward the end of a meal a very attractive woman that I have never met hurried to our table and shouted "Happy Anniversary"! I stood up and shouted, "Holy shit, a real live clairvoyant!"
She knew my wife, of course, and didn't find my outburst nearly as humorous as the couple seated behind us.

Anything about beer amuses me...

He and I would get along just fine, thank you very much, except that I'm not that into peeing down my leg now that I have entered my post-Depends period.

No comment...

(I almost didn't put that last picture in a quality blog like this, but...well, he's my brother-in-law and I still owe him money from our car detailing business that went south)

It's called cleansing the gene pool...

Thank you, Deacon.

Note: You more attentive people may have noticed that I take special delight when one image leads flawlessly into the other. I don't know why.

Speaking of women's mammaries...