About Me

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I'm an artist, an educator, Pastafarian and I write. I also will gamble on just about anything. And I like unusual juxtaposition, but I love my wife...and beer. This blog is observations from a funny old man who gets pissed off every once in a while. Oh, and I mispell alot.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

BEING SOUTHERN: A TUTORIAL-THANKSGIVING


Thanksgiving is almost here and many of you will be having a whole bunch of family over.....in your home.....at one time......all fucking day.

This post is chocked full of neat ideas to liven up your gathering.
It is important that you invite EVERY member of your and your wife's extended family. Write that shit down....it's rule number one.

If you ever find yourself in an argument that you can't possibly win, just pull out this gem of wisdom...and while they are thinking of a come back, you go take care of your other guests.

Gather all the grade-school age kids in one place, then recite this little speech...
Then hand out high quality prints of this for them to take to their next Show and Tell....

Drink your wine out of one of these...
 ...and when someone asked you why you are using such a weird bottle....you tell them that you minored in ergonomics.

Wear one of these...
 ...and when someone comments or worse, laughs, you say, "Wellllll, I guess we know now who didn't renew his GQ subscription."

When preparing your plate, do it on one of these...
 ...then when people stare, just say, "It's wireless."

Show them your Christmas decorations...
 ...and explain it represents the angst caused by an overly connected global environment. Then start taking photographs of it, for "documentation".
And when using words like that, it's preferred to utter them in syllables, like Doc-U-Men-Ta-Shun. It's pretty easy to do if you practice.

Gather up all the teenage boys in a back bedroom, the one with the blacked out windows, and give them this. And "forget" there is a bowl of neatly rolled joints in a bowl right on top of the CD player, which is next to the table filled with every snack food known to man.
 You won't hear from them again....since you've locked the door when you left.

Then teach all the teenage girls how they are "supposed" to enjoy a sprinkler...use phrases like "House Rules" or "We've always done it this way" and "You don't want to be a kill joy do you?"

Then show off your personal contribution to the feast...the ketchup fountain.....complete with McDonalds fries....

A great gag is to haul some grotesque roadkill onto your lawn and attach a "Get well soon" balloon to it.

If the conversation lags, start practicing that bag pipe you bought yesterday...

Greet your guests dressed like this...
 And when they laugh call them racists.

Then signal for Tyrone, (the 300 lb black guy from the loading dock you hired for just this purpose), to enter the room and explain he is engaged to your 14 year old daughter who is out enjoying the sprinkler...

After your nap, come down wearing these...
 ...and when someone asks you why, you squint your eyes and whisper, "You really ought to start paying more attention to the news."

And if there are babies and toddlers in attendance, have a special room set up for them and show all the mothers the baby sitter's flyer.....to give them confidence....

If the weather is pleasant you could try to pull this off.
 Think about it. You never have to get up to help with anything else, since you are "the cook". You make sure one of the saner  members of the family is in there with you. You can order...ORDER...anyone else to get you another beer, and....AND you don't even have to stand up to pee.
I MEAN FUCKING DAMN, YA'LL!!!!

You should teach every member of the family, no matter what the age, how to shoot your new super powerful bow.
 You could make side bets with the older men on the decibel level of the screaming; with an over and under for the number of pedestrian injuries.

Make it a habit to do this as many times as possible.

Go to Kinko's and have this printed off large enough to use as place mats....it is guaranteed to insure you get both drum sticks....

Answer every question asked from farther than 6 feet away, with this response.....every fucking time....

Teach your toddler a cute phrase that she will repeat on cue...

Always drink like this...
 ....then walk out back and show the girls in the sprinkler how it's done properly....then show them where "their" beer stash is hidden.

After dinner, insist that everyone (except the ones who failed the archery exam) learn to shoot your new .44 magnum...

Volunteer to say the blessing, then read them Jesus' own words....it's the least you can do....with special emphasis on Leviticus 26:29, cause that one makes the most sense....

When others are nodding off, pull this gag on them...

Make it a habit to do shit like this...
 Making bullshit up is a great way to find out if people are actually listening to you. If you say, "Back when Orville Wright sent the very first telegraph to John Adams...", and the other person says nothing....you are allowed to slap the holy shit out of them....no foul. Just tell them it's "House Rules".

I like to make up haiku from time to time. You may think that making up haiku is, like, hard. Well, I know a tip... 
 Hold up all ten of your fingers, then every time you say a random word, you lower a finger and when you run out of fingers you just say "hunger and thirst".

I once declared that I had mastered the art of palm reading and demanded that each and every guest allow me to show off my skill....then "found" shit like this....

I've always liked to make up words just for the hell of it, but holidays offers a unique opportunity, since so many people are gathered in one place.
 If you are ever confronted on this new word, just say, "I learned it last night watching the History Channel. What were you watching......Jersey Shore?"
Then while everyone is laughing at him you can go out to see how the sprinklers are working.

It is perfectly allowable to insult your wife during Thanksgiving. That is one of the least known rules, but trust me, she really likes to be embarrassed in front of her and your whole family... 

If you have to stoop (no pun intended) to using weird ass jerks and jumps to gain attention, always....ALWAYS blame it on the war....

Tell people that you met a space alien and that it was really an angel and his name was Forbus and he liked shellfish and was really sad that there was no shellfish in heaven since it was considered a sin by Zog, who was the comptroller of the whole universe, except for Orion, which he considered a little too uppity.
 Then when your relatives cut 'is he crazy' glances at one another, you start laughing and say, "Ha! I was just bullshitting you. His name wasn't Zog, it was Allah. And he wanted me to tell all you Christians......in his own words now....'You backed the wrong horse'".

Then when everybody gets so fucked up they can't drive home, tell them they can sleep in the living room.
Then drag out that old Power Point on your wide screen of all those thousands of pictures your wife used to let you take of her when she used to like you.


HAVE A GREAT THANKSGIVING, YA'LL!!!!  I KNOW YOUR GATHERING HAS TO BE LESS AWKWARD THAN THE SANDUSKY'S. AND BE THANKFUL FOR A HOLIDAY THAT DOESN'T REQUIRE ATONEMENT OR STARVATION.


PS: NOT MUCH OF A POST TOMORROW...BECAUSE...WELL, DUH.

1 comment:

Louis said...

Great tutorial! I loved it. I got more that a few laughs out of it. Thank you.

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