THINGS THAT MADE ME SMILE

LET'S TALK DRUGS...

After her shower, my wife was examining herself in the bedroom mirror, and asked, "Do you think I'm fat?"
Having traversed such minefields before, I said, "No, honey, there is just more of you to love."
She looked at me and smiled so lovingly, until I added, "About 2 1/2 or 3 times more and climbing steadily."
(DO NOT TRY THIS TRICK AT YOUR HOME!!!)

So, as I understand it, many of you believe that god gave man dominion over all the animals and all the plants.
So........????

And if you haven't been stoned....then shut the fuck up...you have no idea what you are talking about....much less passing laws to criminalize....

I am always leery of people who "KNOW" they are right. You are believing the propaganda. Don't be a fooled.
I'm not even saying I'm right. I'm saying that in America we are free to make our own decisions about things that hurt no one else.....or at least we used to be.

Did you ever notice how everything becomes funnier when you're not allowed to laugh?




Public Art where there ain't no public...

Just trying to help, master....

This Christmas I'm going to hang mistletoe out of my back pocket....just so there's no misunderstanding.




How........?!?!?

I used to wonder how vampires shaved, but then I figured they meet in pairs and shave one another.




Poor, bitch....

Found a great new site. Here's the link.

http://fake-tumblr.blogspot.com/

I got the next two off of it...yeah, the guy is funny...and he thinks.....a lot....

This is my new mascot....

What happens when the zombies finally eat all of the humans? They can't die, since they are already dead.

This man has obviously never had a black woman...

If you wrote a letter to yourself to be opened in 10 years, what would you say?.......Seriously.
I think I might start with "Thanks for being lucid enough to read this."

I hate it when I'm singing a song and the artist gets the words wrong.

The Romanian who discovered insulin saves 180 million lives every single day. So, what did you do today, Sparky?

etc.
( end of thinking capacity )

I've done this....I just didn't let anyone take a fucking picture of me doing it...much less put it on the internet...

Just thought I'd throw this in for my female viewers...

 But I must be honest. A guy might do this. But ain't no two guys I know going to do this together. You could lose your man card over shit like that.

My first wife taught three aerobics classes a day.

I never did thank her for that...

 But of course that's not really a picture of my ex-wife...

This is a picture of my ex-wife....

( no it's not )


I've never had a dwarf ask me to toss him. Bummer, that.

I want his job....

Many people tell me they like my beard. I always say, "Thanks. I grew it myself."
And some people don't laugh....go figure.

That moment when you kiss your wife on the forehead.....because you just came in her mouth.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH!!!!
After all those copyright infringement notices I get, this hits close to home.
But seriously, how the fuck am I supposed to know if I get an email with a funny image and I use it on my blog. I've always assumed that if it's in the ether, then EVERYBODY has it anyway.


No matter how slow you go, you are still lapping everybody on the couch.

And this from a Mormon family...

(I wonder if they are wearing their magic underwear)

Thank you, helpful label guy....

"Hello, 911. What is the nature of your call?"
"Two girls are fighting for me!"
"What is the problem with that, sir?"
"The ugly one is winning."


Exercise scares the fucking shit out of me.
Several weeks ago a posted an old guy running barefoot in a race and called him an idiot. I got some feedback on that and never explained.

I believe that my heart will only beat so many times and therefore I try to slow it down as much as possible.
Yeah, I know there are contrary views on this, but mine works for me, so while you're up, get me another beer.


Dogs are just cute enough and just smart enough to keep us from eating them....but just.

The shortest horror story:
"The last man on Earth sat alone in a room. There was a knock on the door."
Frederic Brown.


That reminds me of the shortest short story by Hemingway:
Baby shoes. For sale. Never used.

Would you trust a man who has never finished one fucking beer IN HIS WHOLE LIFE?!?!?!

When writing the story of your life, don't let anyone else hold the pen.


Oh, by the way, the US now owes every fucking dime we make a year.....

Stalker....? No. 
It's called being "observant"....of you.....all the time.

I want to know the name of that fucking movie....no pun intended....

It finally dawned on me just how poor I was when I found myself using a discount coupon at McDonalds.

TOONS TO AMUSE...

I think my dog is an alcoholic.

One of my very own...

WOMEN CONTORTING THEMSELVES FOR OUR AMUSEMENT, THUS LOOKING LIKE SLUTS, BUT PROBABLY AREN'T....

I would like to admit that I have banged women so ugly that the above is the only way I could bring myself to consummate the relationship.