CAPTAIN'S LOG: BEACH DAY - ONE

Just got in the room and the weather is perfect. Standing in my sock feet and T-shirt, I looked down the beach and the only ones on it for miles were three fat Jews dressed in coats, hoods and gloves.
I know they were Jews because when they walked by me one of them said, "Oy Vey, the sand, the sand. There is so much sand here."
Why they were dressed suitable to accompany Admiral Byrd on another expedition I don't know. Hiemal it is not.


One of the first things I did was check the motel's WiFi and found out that it required a password. So I called the desk.
Me: I need the WiFi password.
He: Guess.

Me: What?

He: Guess.

Me: Like a game or something?

He: Just guess, sir.

Me: Okay, then. Dumbledore.

He: What?

Me: Dumbledore.

He: What is that?

Me: Not what, who. A faggot wizard. Famous guy. Look it up.

He: Sir, I don't understand.

Me: YOU, don't understand? I called down for the password and you told me to guess.

He: Guest, sir. G...U...E...S...T.

(Awkward pause)

Me: Well, of course it is. And a damn nice password, too.

And the awful aftermath? A WiFi system set up to block any and every site with nudity. Therefore I can't visit any of my normal sites for humorous photos. My blog will be slim pickin's this week folks.


And then, right when I thought it couldn't get any worse, right at the end of this very post, the WiFi cut me off and I lost every written word and had to retype it all. Luckily it was still fresh on my mind.

I've been thinking a lot lately about the letter W.

This seems to be a much more efficient use of space....

A woman with huge boobs will never know if she is truly interesting.




Anybody want to take a stab at what this is?

Stars.

Love is not what takes you by surprise and leaves you totally breathless. You're thinking of asthma.




Where is your god now?

When I was 13, the other students used to tease me about being home schooled, even though I went to their school all day every day.

This looks like a good idea for all those little transformers on the end of the rechargers, but what about all those plugs with a fat prong and a skinny prong?

Several days ago I saw a modern photo of a man kneeling beside a potato about this big. I assumed it was just a cheap photoshop and passed it by.

Then I came upon this...

These are supposed to cure, among other things, "nervousness".

I don't think so.

Although, now that I've thought about it, I guess if you were walking around with one of these stuck up your ass, you would have to figure 'What worse thing could possibly happen to me today'. That has got to nudge the needle on your nervousness dial over to the serenity side just a little.
Although you would probably walk funny.

This is for my friend, Keith.....

Whenever I'm asked to fill out a form with a hobby line, I like to put "Freelance Sperm Donor".

Let me know if this works...

Have we lost our fucking minds? How did we get so arrogant?

My jury is still out on whether it's a good idea to allow food stamps to be used in fast food joints.

I cried at the Grand Canyon. I find erosion very depressing.




One of the greatest inventions in western civilization...

Have you ever seen what this baby can do in the air?
Amazing.

We went to a restaurant last night....excellent lobster bisque. Anyway, they had a sign which read:
If our food, drinks or service aren't up to your standards, please lower your standards.
(it is the beach, after all)

Which city in the world has the most highrises?

Letters are but symbols of the sound they stand for. Like the Egyptians may have had an ibis to represent the I sound. So when they wanted to write "The Mesopotamians Are Idiots", there would be two little ibis' right there toward the end.
The English alphabet has letters that mostly sound the same as their name. From About to Zebra, we can understand what's going on.
Now, let's consider for a moment the letter W; or as we people who think about language a lot like to call it, the Double-U. It has no sound in it's name. There ain't ever a Double-U sound (Except one. More on that later).
Imagine you have an older brother named Tim and then you come along and they name you Tim-Tim. How fucking embarrassing.
Now imagine little Double-U on his first day at alphabet school. All the vowels are standing by themselves. On the other side of the playground are the consonants; curved ones here, straight ones there. But where does little Double-U go?
I mean, there are only two choices, like male or female.
And who's going to the prom with Double-U the fucking hermorphridite?
And don't get me started on that Sometimes Y bastard.


(AWOL is the shortest word with the most vowels. It is legally pronounced A-Double-U-O-L) 

TOONS TO AMUSE....

I do not understand this. Anyone want to offer some insight?

 One of my very own...

SLUT BUTTS....

That reminds me. This motel room has a wall almost complete covered in a gigantic mirror. It goes from about a foot from the floor to a foot from the ceiling and is nine feet wide. I said, "That thing must have cost a fucking fortune."
My wife said, "That couch folds out into a bed. You want to do it in front of the mirror?"
I gasped, "You want us to watch OURSELVES while we're fucking?!?!?"
(I swear on my mother's grave that that is true)