FOLIO OLIO: CAPTAIN'S LOG: BEACH DAY

Went looking for Holy Molies today. Very slim pickings. I was hoping to add to my curtain, but don't even have enough for one strand today.

Last night watched my Green Bay Packers completely embarrass the Chicago Bears. Yes, it is a very good year to be a Packer fan.

On a lighter note, my wife has begun, without prompting of any kind, to talk like a pirate, and I must admit she is pretty fucking good at it. And she has the eye and twisted mouth thing down pat.

FUN WITH LANGUAGE

COMPUTER STUFF

How true. How fucking true.
A word about being old.
My body is more or less deformed, or at best collasping, but I have never been happier.
Thinking back I've realized that I have never disgraced myself. I have never killed anyone. I have never cheated anyone who didn't deserve it or couldn't afford it. And I did more good than harm. Plus I've had a ball.
I think the world would be a much better place if there were no guns. Then we could finally focus on the important things, like sword fighting, how to kill a man with one punch, archery lessons and throwing axes.

Saw this on the back of a pick-up.
I say Nuke 'em til they glow. It worked on Japan, it'll work on Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan, Pakistan and France.
(FRANCE!?!?)

Read the small print....

How come there's no maximum wage?

Children know where children come from, but not where adults come from.
- Tomi Ungerer

Due to recent budget cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off..........or stolen to sell for food.

Ran across this several years ago. It is now my mantra.
Believe nothing, no matter where you read it or who has said it, not even if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.
- Buddha

I just reread Homer's The Odyssey
(Spoiler alert: Poseidon's a dick!)

Where do I find the forms to become an illegal alien? I could sure use the benefits.

Bumper sticker:
Support our troops. Someday we'll need them to overthrow our government.

According to a study by the Institute of Incomplete Information 9 out of every 10.

STUFF ON WALLS

That awkward moment when you are finally ready to get some work done and your computer walks in with no bra and no panties on and seduces you.

Why aren't there more female plumbers?

It would cost $30 billion a year to eradicate world hunger.
....about as much as the world spends on the military every eight days.

"If you can find money to kill people, you can find money to help people."
- Tony Benn

My wife and I went to a restaurant that was soooo Southern...(How Southern was it?)...their signature dish was Fried Green Kudzu.

Interpol put out a bulletin that they are looking for this guy. Jeeeeeeeez.

And then there's this...
Had the free breakfast at the motel. Whenever I hear the words "Breakfast" and "Buffet" in the same sentence, my expectations plummet. But this was a new low. The cold scrambled eggs could have been used to repair potholes. I had to cut through the crust on top of the grits to reach the liquid level. The adobe biscuits....well, you know. And the bacon....well, who can fuck up bacon.
I just don't get it. There was a live employee in the room. Why couldn't she scramble an egg on demand. It takes like 20 fucking seconds. Or better yet, let me scramble my own fucking egg.
I'm sorry. I'll probably feel a lot better if I ever take another shit again.

Today, Language on T-shirts instead of cartoons...

One of my very own...

REACTIONS OF WOMEN WHEN

INFORMED OF RULE #39*

(*if a woman finds herself alone with a guy she cares about in the middle of nowhere, she must get naked)

The girl from the trailer park says, "Why, Darlin', my daddy done taught me that a long time ago."

The smart girl says, "But you'll be able to see my tampon string." (A slam fucking dunk no way, no how)

The depressed girl says, "Odd numbers make me so sad."

The woman who makes more money than you doesn't bother to respond. She just lays there and gives you the same precoital stare that one would expect from an ovulating praying mantis.