I was put on this earth to do two things: Piss people off and make people laugh. Let's see which one you are.
DO WANT!
Nice guys finish last....because we make sure our women come first.
A site had many add ons to election posters.
This is my favorite....
Pakistan has threatened to cut off America's supply of cab drivers and motel managers.
I used to poke holes in my parents' condoms so there would be somebody else to mow the lawn.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
TRUE: A man was caught having sex with his dog, but Ohio has no anti-bestiality law, so the only thing they could charge him with was animal cruelty. But the DA dropped the charges because the evidence, including dozens of endearing love letters the man had written to his dog would have made the cruelty charges difficult to prove to a jury of his peers.
Further, in a search of the man's house they found a life-sized inflatable sheep.
May we surmise that the man was cheating on his bitch with a plastic sheep?
My bartender wondered if the case had gone to the Supreme Court would it be called Rover vs Wade.
See anything odd about this photo?
Here's a hint....
Congratulations on giving your daughter a name that she won't have to change when she becomes a stripper.
When my wife got her tattoo I told her it was like putting a bumper sticker on a Ferrari.......yeah, I got my dick sucked.
Ladies and gentlemen, a meme is born...(no pun intended)
"Always be a little kinder than necessary."
Yesterday I told my wife that it was Get Drunk Saturday.
She told me that it was Sunday.
I told her that Saturday came twice this week.
A french company's ad for children's clothing.....
An up-close look at same ad....
I even postpone procrastination.
I seriously doubt it....
These are two illusions of the same topic....
Once I heard my grandma shout, "I'm ridin' solo! I'm ridin' solo!"
I respectfully asked her to at least wait until grandpa's funeral was over.
I asked my female bartender how she was today and she said, "I currently have blood gushing from my genital area, how the fuck are you?"
???????????????????
"Let's play Titanic. You be the ocean and I'll go down on you."
My fake plants died because I didn't pretend to water them.
"All you wanna do is ride around, Sally.....Ride, Sally, ride...."
(did you find yourself singing the words above. Yeah me too)
Women don't want to hear a man's opinion. They just want to hear their own in a deeper voice.
Women don't want to hear a man's opinion. They just want to hear their own in a deeper voice.
My favorite part of attending a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.
Every day I think people can't get any stupider.
Every day I'm proven horribly wrong.
The number one reason I miss college....
Wine improves with age. I improve with wine.
"I can't find my baseball."
Do you think anyone has ever choked to death taking communion? I would have liked to see that.
What has been seen can't be unseen.....
Sometimes I describe people as extraterrestrially dull.
This is Mrs. Mitt Romney making doody in her magic underwear.....
Some people have had more work done on their faces than Mount Rushmore.
I hate it when I wake up from a drunken night with 'I love to wear women's underwear' written on my forehead.
Especially when I've been drinking at home.....alone.
(I'm almost sorry, but when I saw this I couldn't resist)
My wife says to me last night, "How come we don't make love like they do in the movies?"
So I grabbed her by the hair, rammed my dick down her throat, then threw her over the kitchen table and shoved it up her ass, then I rolled her over and came in her face.
She got pissed.
Turns out we don't watch the same movies.
My wife says to me last night, "How come we don't make love like they do in the movies?"
So I grabbed her by the hair, rammed my dick down her throat, then threw her over the kitchen table and shoved it up her ass, then I rolled her over and came in her face.
She got pissed.
Turns out we don't watch the same movies.
I don't know and I don't want to know....but maybe...just maybe, this person's mate didn't watch the same movies either....
(Looks like that motherfucker took a Saturn V rocket directly up their butthole)
Cleaning is just putting stuff in less obvious places.
Cleaning is just putting stuff in less obvious places.
Here is the prettiest man in America....
Why is there a show called "When Animals Attack"?
It should be called "When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals".
By the way, the bible is chock full of naughty bits....my favorite parts. I mean, those fuckers were obsessed with naughty bits and that's the truth. Look it up.
Tips for waitstaff are like hugs without the awkward body contact.
The mauling of Tim Tebow has clinched my decision to stick with a life of sin.
America, land of the free.....free to fantasize your ass off on company time....
Chewing food slowly is great for my digestion, but it's terrible for my electric bill. I end up standing that much longer in front of the open fridge.
TEES ABOUT THE NAUGHTY BITS....
Have you ever wondered what is happening on the exact opposite side of the earth from where you are standing?
This woman WILL be a good lay tonight...
TEAMWORK IS FOR LOSERS
If you don't know what a wingman is....ask your husband...
So, ah, how many days did it take to build Rome?
?????????????
THE BIGGER THEY ARE,
THE HARDER YOU FALL.
Just for a moment, gentle readers, try to imagine that every straight woman you know with a dick in her mouth....Queen Elizabeth, Michele Bachman, Nancy Reagan, Oprah....yeah, they have all had a dick in their mouths....and every one of them had a man saying, "Deeper, deeper...."
I'm less repulsed by Newt Gingrich wanting an open marriage than by anyone wanting a marriage with Newt Gingrich.
(Bitch, please, you've got more issues than Vogue)
This is the jerk off who wants to fuck up the internet....
If I wanted to listen to an asshole, I'd fart.
TOONS ABOUT THE NAUGHTY BITS...
ONE OF MY VERY OWN....
NAKED LADIES BEING SILLY - NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT....
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