PEOPLE NOT LIKE US

My beautiful female neighbor came over today and said, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I need a favor. I haven't had sex in six months and all I want to do is check into a hotel and have hot monkey love all weekend."
A little flustered I replied, "I'll do whatever I can, I guess."
She beamed and said, "Oh, good! Would you wash my dog?"

Haven't posted any Tees lately....

My question is not why this man is doing this, but rather, how come every believer doesn't obey the book that tells them to.

I don't wear socks on Tuesday.
I only don't it so that I can tell people I don't wear socks on Tuesday.
Then when they ask "Why", I respond, "Why do I need an excuse not to wear socks on Tuesday?"

COUPLES

I will bet money that this man's mother-in-law took this photograph...

Whenever there are multiple rolls of toilet paper in restrooms, I feel morally obligated to use the roll with the least amount of paper.

These are two NFL quarterbacks....

These are their girlfriends...

Moral of the story: Teach your son to throw a football.

SHIT I THINK ABOUT:
You know those first two guys who thought Superman was a bird or a plane? Why the hell were they so excited?

It's depressing to me that no matter how good you get at tennis, you will never be as good as the garage door.

(did you also get the impression that he smacked her up side the head with that shovel?)


When life gives you high fructuse corn syrup, citric acid, ascorbic acid, maltobextrin, sodium acid pyrophosphate, magnesium oxide, calcium fumarate, yellow 5, tocopherol, and less than 2% natural flavors....make lemonade.




Holy fucking Pulp Fiction, ya'll!!!

Bored? Simply send a text message to a random number saying "I'm pregnant".

FOREIGNERS

I saw a large photo-essay of what Haiti looks like today...two years after the quake.

 What I found most interesting was that with the streets littered with rubble...still...there are thousands of able-bodied people just sitting around.

Then I was reminded what happened in Mississippi after Katrina when the citizens showed up in mass to clean their streets and help neighbors rebuild....free of charge.

One time I smashed my face into my keyboard for two hours and accidently wrote another book of Revelations.

If moonlight is just reflected sunlight, then wouldn't vampires burn at night, too?


Wouldn't you love to meet this guy?
But what would be your first question?....What's the bear's name?  What does he eat? Is he tame? Can I pet him?

I asked my wife, "How high are you?" 
She answered, "Yes".
I said, "I asked How."
She giggled, "I just put it in my little pipe, silly."
After that I deduced the answer for myself.

Foot binding.....damn!

(by the way, if you want to be disgusted you ought to Google the damage done to women in Western cultures from high heels. Seriously.)


"Do unto others as you would like them to do unto you."
Does that mean I have to offer ever motherfucker I meet a handjob?




Our old friend juxtaposition has shown up again...

My wife caught me blow drying my pubic area and asked what I was doing. Apparently, "Heating your dinner" was not the right answer.

Russian soldiers at the wailing wall...

....before the Wailing Wall was cool.

A soviet sniper...she blew more minds than David Copperfield....

My dog is getting very sarcastic, but his flattery will get him nowhere.
Here's what's happening. He comes into my office about 100 times a day and he looks at me with those pleading doggie eyes and rubs that grotesque softball sized tumor on his neck against my leg until I give him ANOTHER Milk Bone (a Milk Bone I have to walk 20 feet to get out of the bin) and he eats like 10+ pounds of the things a day and I'm like getting pretty fucking tired of it.
(the softball sized tumor thing is absolutely true - poor bastard looks like he's growing another head)
I'm starting to think that besides me getting his fat ass drunk every day...FREE OF CHARGE!...my wife might be getting the motherfucker stoned and he's just got the munchies!!!!!

I wonder how many Christmas babies were born by C-section just because the doctor had shit to do.

Interesting way to photograph people you meet on the street...

Cinderella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life.

They once asked this magnificent bastard what he thought most about every day and he replied, "Women." (TRUE)

LET'S EXPLORE THE NAUGHTY BITS

Your vagina is like the house in American Horror Story; God knows how many people have been in there and now you can't even sell it.

And I'm sure her mother is proud.

I'm having a hard time reconciling the fact that it's okay to waterboard a live Taliban fighter, but not okay to urinate on a dead one.
( I'm not trying to make light of disrespecting a corpse, ya'll, but those motherfuckers just disrespected a live man by blowing a huge hole in his body. I just don't get it. But don't try to compare what the enemy has done to corpses of our warriors....we ain't like them, which is the very, very slim moral high ground we cling to)

I learned from porn flicks that when a woman is sucking a man's dick, it's important for him to repeatedly remind her to suck it.

Every action has an equal and opposite reaction....

US efforts in Afghanistan are finally beginning to bear fruit as opium profits jump 135%, now 9% of the countries GDP.
USA...USA...USA....

I call these knees a 'I love my man' badge...

TRUE: Dominic Strauss-Kahn was arrested for partying with prostitutes. He was at an orgy at the time and here's what he said to the judge:
"At these parties, people were not dressed, and I defy you to tell the difference between a naked prostitute and any other naked woman."

My wife was the happiest woman in the world until she got on FaceBook and found out she was the 2,476,324th happiest.


"Excuse me, sir, could I give you a han........oh...never mind....back to the lab I go....

Notice that it doesn't tell us her hourly....productivity rate...

(To be absolutely honest, I don't give a rat's ass what kind of underwear a man or woman wears. I would worry if I gave it a moment's thought. I find this shit on line and re-blog them to you. Just sayin')


They can take away my bacon when they pry it from my cold cancer-ey pancreas.

TOONS TO AMUSE....

ONE OF MY VERY OWN...

CLEANLINESS IS NEXT TO....WELL, YOU KNOW....