ANIMALS THAT DON'T SUCK

I complimented my bartender on their mustache and suddenly she got pissed. WTF

"I know ya'll are wonderin' why I called you here today."

"Well, I got a bone to pick with you."


"Hello? Is this the Pentagon? Yeah, I've just been cleaning my laptop keyboard and I've accidently logged into your 'Missile Launch Go/No Go Command' and it's giving me two options. Is there someone there who can talk me through this?"

When I make a purchase and the clerk tells me to have a nice day, I've started saying "Don't tell me what to do," then as I leave I flip them the bird over my shoulder.
(most of them don't seem to get the joke)


This is just another reason I own a dog. Would you jump over my fence to steal my shit if you saw this? 
Didn't think so.

I almost always root for the villain in movies....especially Kujo. That stupid bitch should have been eviscerated by the dog just to cleanse the gene pool. 
Her son? A half-ass mauling should teach him a lesson he ain't soon to forget.

One of the most romantic phrases you can use on me is: "It's your turn to torture me."


There's a Grandma joke in here somewhere...

No woman has ever shot a man while he was washing the dishes.




Paint me like one of your French girls...

No man has ever beaten a woman when his dick was in her mouth.....unless she liked it that way......just sayin'.....


Dogs. I mean, DAMN! You gotta love dogs....

"Age is just a number."
"Yeah, and jail is just a room."




There is a PMS joke in here somewhere...

My wife's old PMS standby: "Nothing is the goddamned matter!!!"


TRUE: Hackers have broken into some very sensitive sites belonging to the Syrian government. The password was 12345.
(HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!)

Adds a whole new meaning to the term "Wienie Dog"...

I've only slept with women who read.....it's like a rule.
(I don't mean read, like lots of books and shit...I mean women who can read)


Anybody else see Abraham Lincoln's silhouette on the right side of the rear spot?

I recently learned that the poor people would like some healthcare. Why on earth would poor people want to live longer?




"Ummmm. The last time I saw that guy my Pa just dropped dead..."

I have recently begun to write down lines I hear in movies:
"The other day I actually introduced myself to a tree."
"I don't regret killing them; I only regret killing them badly."
"Oh, look, Irish guys in a bar."
(yeah, I watch only quality movies)




Ship of the desert, indeed....

AB-SO-FUCKING-LUTELY TRUE: I watched as a blind guy bought a pistol at a gun store. The clerk had to fill out the Fed form for him.

Both Hitler and Osama Bin Laden were announced dead on May 1.

"Zoos? I prefer to see the animals in the wild."
Yeah, the wilderness is just chock full of '97 Camry's full of expensive cameras, blaring music, the smell of Chanel No. 5 and box fucking lunches....

TRUE:  It is estimated that it would take 1,000 years to watch every video currently on YouTube.




Uh oh, looks like there was a zebra in the woodpile....

If you mouth the word "colorful" to someone, it looks like you are saying "I love you."

TRUE?:  Men have nipples because, as an embryo, everyone is a female until the Y chromosome kicks in.
Uuuuuuuuuuuuuh!




That imminent left hook is about to be a game changer....

"Marco?"
"Polo."

They say that married people are happier.
Well, duh! Who would want to marry an unhappy person.




"You want acorns with that?"

A picture was worth a thousand words until they invented photoshop.




"Hey, where did you get the sow?"
"It's a boar."
"I was talking to the boar."

The new Merriam-Webster's dictionary just added the word "bromance".




Muslim elk?

A new study reveals that a majority of suicides occur while trying to put fitted sheets on a bed.

TRUE: You are always looking at your nose, but your brain just chooses to ignore it.

If people ask me where I got an idea and I don't want to tell them, I just say, "It burst from my mental loins."
They immediately change the subject.

FACT: Nothing in the world is friendlier than a wet dog.




What the fuck do you think this magnificent bastard is thinking about that snow?

Look, I don't want to fuck with your head, but we have much more hard evidence to believe the Mayans than we do to believe the Rapture.




Oh, dear.....

My wife is like the vigilant sheep dog that gently nips the wayward ewe* back into the herd**.
*Me
**Normal human behavior


This image begs for a caption. I'm open for suggestions...

My bartender today said something like this: My mother's mother died at childbirth and my mother thinks she will meet her in heaven. But that's okay sense it leaves her with some positivity.

I said, "Positivity?!? That's not even a word!"

pos·i·tiv·i·ty

   [poz-i-tiv-i-tee]  Show IPA

noun, plural -ties.

1.

the state or character of being positive:  apositivity that accepts the world as it is.

2.

something positive.

Well, it looks like somebody's eyes were bigger than their stomach again.....

Just heard this on TV:
"They found prescription drugs in Whitney's room, but less than would indicate overdose."
What?! If she did overdose, the reason the drugs weren't in the room was because they were in her stomach. Duh!




These snakes are not fighting....

It's called foreplay.


How do you say "Holy fucking shit run for your lives" in Thai?"

If the number 666 is considered evil,
Is 25.8069 the root of all evil?




We see them ripping water buffalos apart...
We see them dragging lions under water....
We hear stories about missing dogs and campers....

So, what do we do?
We pay people with a little fucking boat to take us as close to these monsters as possible and look surprised when they want to RIP OUR FUCKING FACES OFF!!!!

"I wonder what's inside this" ZZZZZZZZZZZZZpst

?????

Marijuana is not a gateway drug that leads to harder drugs.
It's more of a drive thru drug that leads to Taco Bell and Frosties.

I think we bloggers and emailers and texters who have advanced degrees should use LQL and it be recognized as Laughing Quite Loudly.

The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is a matter of taste.




If these motherfuckers learn to fly, it's all over...

I've been watching so much porn that every time I see a sign for an ATM, the first thing to come to mind is Ass To Mouth.
(thanks BW)


I would have loved to see the landing...

This is the way it's supposed to happen...horn gets cut off to deny poachers their prize....

But some times there are real problems...

TOONS ABOUT ANIMALS....

ONE OF MY VERY OWN....

NAKED WOMEN JUST SITTIN' AROUND....

LET ME LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT:


"When people fear their government there is tyranny. When government fears the people there is liberty."
- Thomas Jefferson


Now let me ask you this: 
-Are you afraid that you will be unlucky enough to be stopped in traffic and they have a drug dog? 
-Are you afraid that the government is going to find that money you made but didn't declare? 
-Are you afraid that you will say something in an email or in a blog and you will be placed on a monitor list....FOREVER? 
-Are you afraid that various prices are being manipulated by the government to suck as much money as possible out of us. 
-Would you shit in your pants if you answered your door and found two guys in bad suits displaying FBI badges? 
-Are you afraid when you go through the airport screeners that they'll find something that could get you arrested? 
-Are you afraid that on the way to the shooting range you will be stopped with eight guns and they storm your house with a SWAT team?


How many can you list?

I think that most of us don't even realize we are afraid because we have never been not afraid.


WELL, I'M FUCKING TIRED OF IT!