LET'S DO AWESOME, SHALL WE

I can't imagine cutting down one of these just to buy a new swimming pool or some such shit....

We live in a world where losing your phone is more dramatic than losing your virginity.

I'd like mornings better if they started later.

I want to create an Indian dating website and call it "Connect the Dots".

 (DISCLAIMER: No animals were harmed in the making of this photoshop)

Overheard doctor in a ER: "You now, your situation is really fucked up. It's fucked up. But that's okay because I'm the unfucker."
(told to me to be true)

....and never let go of the mouse.....

Once I sat down and made a list of all the stupid shit I had ever done in my life. The next time I did it, I added making a list of all the stupid shit I had ever done in my life to the list.

During my travels I actually enjoy being completely anonymous. It gives me some kind of power.

I've been to many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, YA'LL!!!

One should never stand too close when one lights his exe's effigy.

?????

I think birthdays were invented by Hallmark just to sell cards.

Make sure you know what this is made of....

The Evening News starts off with "Good Evening", then proceeds to tell you why it isn't.

My, somebody is very proud of herself....

Crossword Clue: Private motivator
_ _ _
[ NCO ]

This are fucking awesome! Old people find an old photo of themselves, then go back to the exact location. Then there is a site that will combine them for you.

Do you remember when we used to say, "Get off the internet so I can use the house phone?"

It was stated that this nugget was placed on eBay due to its resemblance to Washington. Price stands at $202.50.

There is not always a reason, but when there is I'm usually drunk.




The King has left the BLT...

You're the kind of friend I text when I'm pooping and need something to do.

The other night my wife and I just could make anything happen in bed. I said, "What's wrong, you can't think of anybody either."

TRUE: I read a story about using our military basically as policemen. The military are trained that as soon as circumstances go bad, you start killing people, or escalating the crisis with extreme prejudice.
Police, on the other other hand, are trained to de-escalate the problem if at all possible and only use deadly force as the last resort.
Then when a soldier makes a mistake doing a job that he was never trained to do, we prosecute him.

This actually works.....

When my sister was little, she didn't know that the clothes my mother allowed her to play dress up in were my father's stripper costume for the gay bar where he worked on week-ends to bring in some extra cash.......all one dollar bills.

Make sure you know why this is very perplexing.....

Technically you could lose by knowing the correct answer.


A young friend brought his new girlfriend over to meet me and the first thing out of her mouth was, "Hi, they call me Red, and I'm an alcoholic."
I said, "Red? That's an unusual name."
She mocked, "I told you I'm an al-co-hol-ic!"

This is one magnificent bastard....

Here's the kind of bullshit you read on the internet:
"The only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat."
What about the fucking llama, asshole?

?????

That T-shirt reminded me of a woman I knew one time....true story. She got married right out of high school and went off on her honeymoon. But when she got back she had the married annulled for (get this) the guy's dick was too big to fit in her pussy.
Wait, wait, that's not the funny part.
Then about six months later she married another guy and they stayed married forever. Now here's what I want you to do: Imagine husband No. 2 walking around town for the rest of his life and everyone KNEW his dick was not too big.
I can hear this conversation happening repeatedly....
"Hi, I'm...." 
"Hey, I know. The guy without a big dick."

It was stated that this guy spent years carving out the original tree....

Oh, look, here he is making one now.....

TRUE: I knew a bartender who offered to give a drunk a ride home. After driving for a long, long time, the bartender pulled up to the curb and said, "Here you go, buddy."
The guy said, "What'd you bring me here for?"
"I asked you where you lived and you gave me this address!"
"Hell, I thought you asked me where I was born. I live right around the corner from the bar."

So how do you get the highest resolution photographs in the world?

Well, you get yourself a really big camera.

 The negatives are over 4 feet.

I've learned that when having sex with older women it's best to use Poligrip instead of KY.....gives you a little more traction, if you know what I mean.

 Make sure you know what you are looking at....

TRUE: I read an article that claimed that each year more men were raped in the US than women. He based it on the statistics of prison rape and the fact that women seemed to be raped once, where prisoners are raped over and over and over and over again.

Different camouflage for different needs....

 And, yes, there is "a guy" that does that....

TOONS TO AMUSE....

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAH!!!!!


If you don't get this next one, ask your ex-hippy uncle....

ONE OF MY VERY OWN....

WOMEN BAPTIZING THEMSELVES.......NAKED.....

AND THEN THERE'S THIS...

Affirmative action is under attack. The Supreme Court is going to here the case of a white women who is suing California for allowing a less qualified black woman to take here place.

It kind of reminds me of the Miss Black America Pageant. I heard a black man defend it this way: "I didn't here you protesting all those decades when it was a Miss White America Pageant."

Then there was the time I did a mural and was paid with a check from one of the local "black banks". When I walked in to cash it, there wasn't a white employee in the building. And I didn't give a shit. I think it's only natural that people prefer to work with people like themselves. I just wish that by "like themselves" meant "human beings".