I find it hilarious when people who have never been stoned try to tell the rest of us what it's "really" like...
More and more these days, this is the face of stoners....
Most evenings I just stay home and practice holding a fork.
Seriously, does that bird look like it wants to be petted?
Why aren't we all hysterical?
Most men think of sex every three boobs.
I could solve all the world's problems but I can't afford the bullets.
This is fucking awesome....pure fucking irony at its best...
Behind every fat girl there is a beautiful woman.
No, seriously, you're in the way.
You only get stoned when you're unhappy?
That's not healthy.
Indeed.
I always underestimate my wife's ability to find shit out.
The world has spoken, folks, and the sluts have won.
I just completed my bucket list:
1. buy bucket
2. add ice
3. add 12 beers
4. drink beers
Whenever I meet little kids I ask them how old they are.
"So you are five years old? Well, when I was your age, I was six."
Then I watch the look on their faces.
For Abby.....
Last night I ended up in jail and was sexually abused for hours on end. Sometimes I think my uncle takes Monopoly way too seriously.
I don't make this shit up, folks.....
The only time it's good to yell "I have diarrhea" is when you are playing Scrabble, because it's worth a shitload of points.
TOMORROW: A mystical land where 99% of all human productivity, motivation, and achievement is stored.
I live in a college town. Sometimes on a crowded street I like to yell, "Hey slut!" just to see how many girls turn around.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH!!!!
I can explain every rule for every drinking game imaginable, but still get confused with my phone number.
"Sir, why do you have a dead body strapped to the back of your car?"
"Cause it stinks up the interior, of course."
People who exercise live longer, but those extra years are spent at the gym.
That awkward moment when you realize it's a baby holding it's mother's finger.
Can somebody arrest this Kony fucker so I can have my internet back.
Sorry to hear that daylight savings is the only savings you have left.
Just one of those days....
The first gasp in my ear on the first thrust.
Yes, my memory is excellent.
If Bob tells me not to worry, I don't worry....
Yes, she's on her knees and, yes, she's sleeping...like a fucking boss.....
There is a cocaine joke in here somewhere.....
I found one of my old class pictures.....
What has been seen can't be unseen....
Art is best when you discuss every little nuance....
What's long, hard, and has cum in it?
(cucumber)
Everything is great when you don't give a shit.
There's a special place in hell reserved for the guy that decided what time Hardee's breakfast ends.
All I ask if that you wait until after St. Patrick's Day if you happen to be planning my intervention.
NOT SO FUNNY TOONS I CAN ONLY HOPE AMUSES...
ONE OF MY VERY OWN....
WOMEN IN THE PROCESS OF UNDRESSING...
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