MONDAY

What most people thought the moon would look like Saturday night...

What it actually looked like at my house...

(in all reality, I was pretty impressed with the brightness)


I laid out five bets for the Kentucky Derby and won every fucking one of them....Yea, me....

They must be some clean motherfuckers.....

ONE OF MY VERY FAVORITE CROSSWORD PUZZLE CLUES: Preschool group
_ _ _
[ ROE ]

DON'T TRY THIS UNLESS YOU ARE OLD
One of my favorite things to do is ride down the street on my beat up old golf cart wearing my old straw hat, baggy sweat pants, faded shirt, big white beard and giant mustache, and wait until there's a young woman walking her dog. I slow down to match her stride and in my very best Deliverance voice say, "Hey, pretty lady, you and that little dog there wanna ride somewheres?"

The government sent a letter to my friend's widow that stated that their records showed that they had paid for kemo after the man had died, so please have him contact them immediately.

If you don't know what Monsanto is doing, you need to do some research....

Wanna hear one of my ideas for a perfect murder?

Damn I wish this was a GIF.....

Have you ever eaten canned chili out of a Frisbee?

Brainwash them while they are young and they will not stray anywhere near reality...

And they think that is....what....HILARIOUS!!!

 Just wait for menopause, Sparky.

Does anybody at this high-tech company actually know how bullets work?

Sometimes my poor life decisions look like fantastic drinking opportunities.

Well, that certainly narrows that down....

I'll pass....never stay in a building shaped like a woman's shaver....

You don't call retarded people retards, it's bad taste. You call your friends retards when they're acting retarded.

I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching.....my car into reverse and driving away from the accident.

???????

Ever notice how most people when they are giving directions over the phone, will point like the person could see them?

I'm not saying my wife is fat, but when I give her a ride somewhere, the fasten seatbelt beeper keeps sounding 30 minutes after she got out.




Hitler....that crazy guy....

I am getting old. I got out of bed and had excruciating pain all through my body. Then I looked down and realized I was standing on my balls.

This guy built his own coffin. I was going to do that, but instead made my own container for my ashes....

Crazy day. Instead of putting the milk in the fridge and the cereal in the pantry, I fucked my neighbor's wife.

Iceberg....

(so very, very corny, that)


I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other. 




Sounds like.....fun?

I have discovered the fountain of youth, and it looks and tastes a lot like tequila. 

The entire staff of Google in 1999.

What a disturbing image....

If conservatives get to call universal healthcare 'socialized medicine', then I get to call private, for-profit healthcare 'soulless, vampire bastards making money off of human pain and suffering'.

"Servings per container: 5"

Nope.

RULES FOR PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION:

- Get on

- Sit your ass down

- Shut the fuck up

- Get off

All of my nightmares involve exploding toilets.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: A liberal doctrine which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end.

FROM THE DESK OF NdGT: What are some problems with visiting Mercury? Is it just the temperature? No. You need a space program, too.


Yes, it's a coffin.....

TRUE:  There is a woman who changed her name to:
"Officially I should be called Red, but I appreciate some people will find it hard to embrace the change"....believed to be the world's longest.

REMORSE: The emotional contradiction of feeling bad over something good.

Do you see anything......odd?

 His computer passwords are on the wall behind him.

Tom Cruise doing one of his own stunts....honest....