MONDAY

While living in Germany in the late '60's, I owned a '48 VW convertible. We all drove VW's and drove them hard...so hard that we were always blowing up the motor. We could go to a junk yard and purchase a motor out of a wreck for $35...of course, you had to take it out yourself.

We always chose the car that was severely damaged, figuring that if it went fast enough to wreck that badly, then the motor must be good.

 We got better and better at these motor transplants until our record was one hour flat to remove our motor, drop the bought engine and install it in our car.

Creepy....

Cleansing the gene pool 101....

Today I saw a wino eating grapes....think about that.....wino......grapes....

ONE OF MY VERY OWN...

That was my very first pick-up line. That probably explains why I was a virgin until I was fourteen.

When I was in the military they forbad us to put atheist on our dog tags. For religion I chose Hedonism and nary a question was raised.

My doctor told me to start killing people. Well, not in those exact words. He said I had to reduce the stress in my life....same thing.

Search light looking for bombers during WWII....

 Think about that. While everyone else is seeking shelter, you have to stand right out in the open shining your light.

A comparison of the earth and all the water on earth...

I once cooked Minute Rice in 57 minutes and had the strangest urge to call somebody.

Plus it makes the most beautiful furniture for rich people.

Oh, look, a cute little kitty murdering a bird for no reason whatsoever....

Oh, look, they murder the babies, too....

Orphan apes somewhere in Africa....

Gentlemen, if you want to start your day off right, get a picture of a beautiful woman and paste on a caption balloon that says "Mighty fine penis you have there" and put it on the back of your toilet.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

These people are actually walking atop the world's longest grave....

I have a young black female friend (this is not her) that I call 'my African princess'....a pure term of respect...

You can't make shit like this up.....

This is extraordinary! It's that famous photo in Tiananmen Square where the guy stops the tanks....

...but taken from another view point....

This is a very corny Dick-in-a-Box gag....

But looking at that girl's mouth, she knows exactly what to do with it.

 And make it snappy.....

Never have understood that pin. I've cut more of them off than I can count and never had a problem...

Fuck the police...

(read an article that stated that for-profit colleges graduate 14% of their students....but they are very good at finding government funding for the tuition.)

I will never again fall for the sign on the side of a van that reads: FREE COLON CANCER SCREENING.
Never.
Ever.


Is Google racist?

 Yes, my little friend, it is.

 It's just a hallway, you dirty old man.

Every smudge is a galaxy. And just think, it was all made just for us.

Dear Young People,

I never understood what it meant when an old person told me it only gets better.

I do now.

I didn't choose the thug life; the thug life chose me.

?????????

Please, somebody, explain that to me...please.


Sometimes I think what it would be like if my penis grew a thumb.

Fuck royalty.

In an article about the most expensive things in the world, I came upon this.....

You can now print out envelopes using Google maps....

The Pantheon, an amazing building.

But the portico was not built as designed and nobody knows why...

Did you know that the roof is made of concrete?...well, you should.

Swinger....go figure....

What was the saddest thing you ever heard on an airplane?


Do. Not. Interfere. 

Or..."This is none of your business, just move along."

Give this on a moment or two....or three.....

The Underwear Bomber 2.0 (a British spy) who turned over the latest generation bomb is being debriefed....debriefed.....underwear......Is it just me?

???????

There's a funny as shit phallic joke in there someplace.


Crossword Clue: Untouched delivery
_ _ _
[ ACE ]

 If so, it's your own damn fault.

In crossword puzzle lingo, beginning of, start of, end of, conclusion of usually means something only us solvers know about. With that said, try this...
CLUE: Beginning to cry
_ _ _ _
[ I'll give you a clue...  A _ _ _ ]


[ A far....as in "a far cry" ]

My whiteboard is remarkable......re-mark-able.

Do you realize how much land is wasted with this embalming, vault bullshit.

TRUE: Today I had a pother with a guy at the bar which included me saying, "You can't believe anything you see or hear nowadays."
He immediately said, "I believe that."
And I screamed, "You missed the whole fucking point!!"

Interesting...

NAKED WOMEN.....JUST BECAUSE I CAN, BY GOD...

My wife sent me this...she likes stuff like this...

Look, ladies, there is hope for all of you. Let's just suppose you have a ugly-ass vagina....IT'S OKAY! You have AT LEAST two other orifices that you can let your man experiment with. 
Your face peel paint? 

There's doggie style and/or a small towel with eye-holes. And remember men, getting a blow job from an ugly woman is like rock climbing....never look down.
So get on out there, ladies...and use some creativity...this shit ain't rocket science.