TUESDAY

IN THE 'YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES' DEPARTMENT

I scheduled a "put me to sleep and dig around in my gums" procedure. They called up a month ago and rescheduled, so I wrote it on my calendar. Well, Friday was the day and my wife drove me down there only to find out I had forgotten to remove the first appointment date from my calendar and I was there the wrong day. So, I looked right at the two nurses and shrieked, "You mean to tell me I brushed my teeth for nothing?!?!"

I love sitting on the beach and watching children play. There are thousands of problems for them to solve on the beach and I like children solving problems.

And, of course, funnyass shit like this happens all the time...

That's a lesson she ain't soon to forget.


Since she's been taking them drugs, she's such a nice person.


This is very, very clever on multiple levels...

Western Civilization will official begin its decline the moment McDonald's starts a delivery service.

I once owned a bar called The Bank. Guys loved it cause they could tell their wives that the reason they were late is that they stopped by the bank....and not even have to lie.
Same concept here...

I did absolutely nothing sudorific today and still got paid. I had a great to-do list, but luckily the interweb came to my rescue.

ABSOLUTELY FACTUAL: My wife and I are buying an urban police drone.
What did you do today?

(that is NOT the drone)


And I bet they are very proud of themselves...

I think the more graphs you make, the less cool you become.

I'm sorry, but I just got to say it....Fuck that self-righteous prick.


"Fuck with me and you fuck with the whole trailer park."

??????

Speaking of Nazis.....

"Ich bin Ihre Frau, sauge meine penis"

My second toe is longer than my big toe also, but isn't that how shoes are shaped?

I'm not an alcoholic; the beer is a me-aholic.

FUCK GRAVITY!

My wife once took a day off by calling in fat.....just sayin'.

If I bought a CAT Scan machine, do you think it would come with an instruction manual?

I'm impressed....

No matter what, save enough energy to bury the body(ies).

This shit has gone too far, ya'll.....

Do you think Chris Rock's real name is Christian Rock?

At what point does CPR become necrophilia?

A cop stopped me and asked if I knew why he was stopping me. I guessed, "Your SAT scores were too low to get into college?"

One does not simply rise and shine.

I refuse to die from lack of shooting back.

This is one of those soldiers defending Stalingrad who were send out in pairs with only one rifle. The rule was for the unarmed man to follow his buddy until he was killed, then he was to pick up the rifle and fight.

Ladies and gentlemen, meet Saint Lambeau.....

When I previously stated that this man needs some high-powered awards I was not kidding. He's one of the most believable actors I've seen in a long time....

What are the fucking odds......

Outlawing hemp just shows how fucking insane their argument is....

Shit's just got real, ya'll.....

Everybody loves the old ball to the face gif......

Even better, two blue balls and one nose for the price of one....

Word on the street has it that the UK government will start shipping retards abroad so that the country looks tidy for the Olympics. 

Catch of the day....sad that....

Some say the shit washing onto Alaskan shores from Japan will be a bigger environmental disaster than the Exxon Valdez. My jury is still out.
 

If you build it right, it will last....

I named my hard drive "That Ass" so once a month my computer asks me if I want to back That Ass up.

I take great pride that I do not judge people over shit like this....hair style, skin color, sexual orientation, nationality....I simply don't give a shit....life is much too short to let it be fucked up with bullshit.

 But actions are a whole nother horse of a different color...

...A face that would make me want to club a baby seal.


Marriage: Natures way of preventing us from fighting with strangers.

Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there's a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.

HELP! So, just like like raisins in raisin bread, the galaxies are moving away from one another. Space is expanding taking the galaxies along for the ride. I geet it.
Then I hear that in a few billion years Andromeda is going to collide with the Milky Way.
What am I missing here.

 That was shopped...look at it again.

Spear fishing my ass!

A real pain in the ass.

Adds a whole new meaning to 'piece of ass'.....

 Almost didn't use that over the 10 candle. I have a real thing about children, but then I assumed it was their anniversary.

One bus, one semi, one hairpin turn....

I put the chances that there are other universes at 100%.
What number would you use?
Most trusted advisor has it at 15%, which is a very odd number if you ask me.

Bone appetite....

???????

It is not the business of art to conform to conventional good taste.

People have been making fun of this for years, but I know as a fact the Budweiser canned millions of cans of water and shipped them to the Carolina coast after Hurricane Hugo....

If you didn't catch it yesterday, at 3:00 pm I posted the first page of a short story I wrote. I plan to post one page a day for 35 weekdays. 
Just click on "Older Posts" below right.
I hope you enjoy.