About Me

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I'm an artist, an educator, Pastafarian and I write. I also will gamble on just about anything. And I like unusual juxtaposition, but I love my wife...and beer. This blog is observations from a funny old man who gets pissed off every once in a while. Oh, and I mispell alot.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

APOPLECTIC WEDNESDAY


This is Cab Calloway, and that is a zoot suit....
"Hidee hidee hidee ho..."


To most of the world this is one of the bravest men on the planet....and we don't even know his name.
But think of the tank commander. When you think about it just the right way, he was rather brave also.


Metal slabs absorb and radiate heat....beautiful and a functional object...


When my daughter asked me how babies were made, I told her to stand behind the door and watch what I did to her mother.




Just the proof we need that inbreeding does not always produce ugly children....
I'm glad they are finally honoring someone who struggled against all odds to be born into being queen.


In my state "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.





Where I live I can rent a movie and buy bait at the same store.



Adolf Eichmann in clown pants.......pondering his foot...


This is an example of a woman who smiles with her whole face....in my humble opinion it is very contagious....


TRUE: This Spring we have switched from heat to AC back to heat on the same day.




I bet he's a big hit in the locker room....


I like this very much....


You know you are old when everyone you know can recommend a good dermatologist. 



Afghanistan....
Must not have many underpasses there.


"It's just a little scooter; I don't need protection."


My bartender made up a brain game to play while awaiting sleep. He had to come up with a name that could be a first name or a last name - allowing for an added S for last names. Example - Abraham, Benjamin, Charles, etc.
He was stuck on O and Q. I instantly suggested Owen and Quincy; and felt strangely smug about my discovery.



That is rather odd, but read it again carefully and ask yourself what you are eating.



A philosopher is a person who knows less and less about more and more until he knows nothing about everything.




Hey, Greenbelt 4, fuck you....


TWO OF MY VERY OWN....


If you put your finger in your ear and scratch, it sounds just like Pac-Man.





I think she's doing this just because she can...
I think I would have left my backpack so they could identify the charred remains in case something went south.


How sad: Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness. Only 1 out of 6 bulimics and 1 out of 3 anorexics get professional help.



Asians - Because normal is so overrated.....


Dear Snowflake, If you have a teenage brother, you might want to rethink your purchase.


I avoid cliches like the plague.





The interweb is so full of shit....
Then what took the picture you idiot?


The second phone call to Watson was "What are you wearing?"



I don't even know if they sell Hydrox Cookies anymore. They are like Oreos only with less white creamy stuff.
My family's favorite treat was to place several Hydrox in a glass and add milk, then crush it up into a paste. Hmmmmm.....


At my reunion my cousin let her 14 year old smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.




Photoshopped?


It took Harry Potter seven long books to catch the bad guy.
It only took Scooby Doo 25 minutes.




Do. Want.

100 years of tornado paths...
Even though you see it coming, it will still hurt.


If I ever go missing, I want my picture on a Bud Light case instead of a milk bottle. This way my friends will know I'm missing.




To remind you, no two beams of this are alike....impressive....


Now pay attention.
This is one of the few modern murals that I consider Art with a capital A. It's just fucking wonderful....


"Let's play paint ball, they said. It will be fun, they said."


I used to give a fuck, but now I take a pill for that.




Why I watch Myth Busters....


My nephew's wife assigns points to snacks and each of her kids know their numerical limit. Once during the reunion, one of her kids came out with a candy bar and asked how many points it was. He was told 18; and his eyes swelled at the large number, thanked his mother, then went back in the house to put it away.
Neat that.



Pompei brothel....
Pictures above the doors advertised the specialty offered.


My wife bought us a cigarette making machine. It's pretty fucking cool. The pamphlet stated that the tobacco was called Pipe Tobacco because pipe tobacco is not taxed, thus cheaper. That, gentle reader, is a loop hole big enough to drive a truck through.




Carved skulls....I want one....


Back in my day "Behavioral Disorders" was called "Being a little shit."




My wife took me shopping one time. I bought a pair of shoes just like these.
She never took me shopping again.


Eat your school.
Stay in drugs.
Don't do vegetables.




Rude awakening in 5....4.....3.....


Most people should stop worrying about their weight and start worrying about their boring personality. 




This is photography, boys and girls....


I take great pleasure in closing the silverwear drawer with a pelvic thrust.




I talk back to my Rice Krispies.




Smart kid....
They've been fighting for 2000 years.
It can't go on much longer.


Lastly, this is a leftover exoskeleton of some grotesque creature that lives in my yard. It weighs, like, nothing, but the legs still have little burrs on them to stick to stuff.
What you should NOT do with this thing is to wait until your wife is all showered and powdered and in bed reading, then walk to her side of the bed naked with this thing stuck to the shaft of your penis and stick it next to her face.
Let me repeat that....DO NOT STICK THIS ON YOUR DICK AND SHOVE IT IN YOUR WIFE'S FACE.


The doctors say I should be up and walking in no time, but I have my doubts.....I just THOUGHT I knew what testicular trauma meant, but I had seriously underestimated the vigor of a terrified newly showered and powdered middle-aged woman.
And right when I thought it couldn't get any worse, I just found out the local TV news guys are downstairs wanting an interview with me.....to feed into CNN.....worldwide.

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