About Me

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I'm an artist, an educator, Pastafarian and I write. I also will gamble on just about anything. And I like unusual juxtaposition, but I love my wife...and beer. This blog is observations from a funny old man who gets pissed off every once in a while. Oh, and I mispell alot.

Friday, June 22, 2012


Well, I wanted it to be lots of GIFs, but most of them didn't transfer to my post. I have no idea why, and you know, a GIF that ain't moving is just a still shot of something that makes no sense. 
So, I fucked up. Sue me.

Wife's in New York City for four days. I used to like it when my wife would go out of town. Now.........I just get lonely.
I love that woman more than you can possibly imagine. Not bragging....just fact.

If this is really a phone in a microwave, I can't imagine the chemicals coming out of it....scary, that....

I typed my wife's symptoms into WebMD and told her she had a network connectivity problem.
She immediately took more calcium.

Pliers with built-in lights....it's about time...

I was once so bored that I made a necklace out of my own toenails.

"I guess you're right," said no one on the internet.

I know this is immature, but I can't get it off my mind that this bitch gets paid millions of pounds for doing less than I do.

I can't get enough of this shit....
It reminds me of my brother heading off to bed at 2 am.

I don't care what you say, any organization that tells young people that they will burn in hell if they masturbate is evil.

This, gentle reader, is what hunger looks like...
As I understand it, he can hear a mouse under the snow.

Crossword Puzzle Clue:
Lead-in for "sees" and "seas".
 _ _ _ _
[ over ]

The secret to not caring what others think lies in studying your cat. That animal just doesn't give a fuck.

I feel compelled to tell you that my wife's office is separated from her sales floor but by a curtain, so when she gets on the phone and starts screaming obscenities, her staff just tells the offended customers that she has Tourette's Syndrome. 
That, boys and girls, is a true story. 

Who could NOT make funny of these silly fuckers?

A makeshift alarm....I like it....

Two of my very own...

Of course it is, little buddy, but I didn't hear you say a word when I made fun of all those other people.
Let it go....just let it go. Life is much more rewarding without the fucking baggage.

TRUE: The old farts at the Legion were watching a TV show about an ex-Hell's Angel who makes motorcycles...not that one, the other one. Anyway, I learned that the ugly motherfucker in charge had been married to Sandra Bullock. When I asked how that could be, one old fart said, "She likes bad boys."
Then an ex-drug smuggler said, "She caught him having sex with a nigger."
I looked at him and said, "Have you ever had sex with a black woman?"
And he started naming the ports in the Caribbean where the sex occurred and each of their names. 
I interrupted him with a raised palms + facial expression "what the fuck" gesture and he replied, "That the word was needed for context."

Father's Day: The most confusing day in the ghetto.

I saw a young woman drink an entire beer in one take, then when it was empty she put a lip lock on the can and sucked until it collapsed. Four guys asked her to marry them.

If you don't get this....it's okay....it really is......

I guess John read the books....

To remind you: "Do you believe in talking snakes?" is a great question.

Fuck Edison. I vote Tesla.

Damn! This reminds me so much of my wife....

Beats a dragon selected off the options thumb tacked to the wall.....

I would have started with a black and white set from the 50's....

Yeah, it got me, too.

I would like to meet this cynical motherfucker....
The "Governments destroy freedom" is a cause I can get my teeth into.

Darlin', could I help you clean off that unsightly.....debris......?

"I love women with drawn-on eyebrows," 
said no man ever.

I think this would be very effective....I mean that....

Holy Fleshlight, Grandma!
(Fleshlight....look it up)

Not sure how this was done, but I like it...

Yeah, that's what we all need...somebody to tell us where to put our goddamn fork. Fuck you!

I hate it when bad memories ruin a good song.

This is graffiti.....usually consisting of words you can't read...it's crap...mindless egotistical efficacy....a blight....

These are NOT graffiti...these are art with a lower case "a"....

Ever since I watched Jurassic Park, I size up buildings as to how good they would be protecting me from a potential velociraptor attack.

This has been my mantra for decades....

Don't grow up. It's a trap.

Recently, I went to three stores looking for Legos.  I wanted a big box of the fundamental blocks but all they had in all the stores were kits.
 What that meant to me was that instead of using the blocks to create, now we have kids that follow directions. That's bullshit.

This was one of the best kids' toys ever invented...

This is a close second...

I do shit like this in restaurants all the time....just ask my great-nephews....

Hardened Criminal: The old guy who broke into a drug store and stole a year's supply of Viagra.

(they can't all be gems)

"What? What's wrong? Why are you looking at me like that?"

We've all said this to a clerk, haven't we...
(I will never do it again)

I would love to meet the man who puts this in his mouth...in the morning....right after he took a shit....and looked at it in the toilet bowl to make sure it was "normal"......with undigested corn from the cookout the night before....

Let's learn something, shall we?
Spent some time with a professional deep sea fisherman. He told me of the relatively small limits placed on the fish. I opined that if he was fishing for fish B, but caught another fish C of which he had already caught the limit, that he would just throw it back.
He said yes, but first he had to "deflate" it. I was to learn that the stomach of fish brought up from the bottom swell up like a balloon and you had to stick it with a hollow tool to let the air out.
 He also said that returning them back to the water was rather pointless, since during it's swim back to the bottom it would almost certainly be eaten by predators.

What more do we have to do? How many more trillions do we have to spent.....Chinese trillions? 
And my fucking age group....the hypocrites!!!! I don't know one single person that went to college in the 60's and 70's who didn't smoke dope......not......one.

My "Money To Go" sculpture is progressing nicely.

PLEASE NOTE: I have put together a rare Saturday post for tomorrow.

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