About Me

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I'm an artist, an educator, Pastafarian and I write. I also will gamble on just about anything. And I like unusual juxtaposition, but I love my wife...and beer. This blog is observations from a funny old man who gets pissed off every once in a while. Oh, and I mispell alot.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

MOTHER LODE TUESDAY

Today (Sunday) I walked out of my favorite bar and a total stranger - a guy - wished me Happy Father's Day. It had never happened before and it was a good thing.

Yesterday was a very productive day for image collection. Enjoy



If I had a British accent I would record myself and just listen to me talk while I played with myself prior to sleep.



(The above is one of the reasons I fucking love the internet)


On a scale of 1 to Greece, how broke are you?




Reuse - it's a good thing....


I'm thinking of using my own arm as bait, then capturing a mosquito in a ball of amber, then burying it deep beneath the earth. That way when future generations want to clone us their specimen will look like me.




This is a very poor quality photo of Adrian, my friend who is trying to make the US Olympic Team.
I learned that they have an indoor ball and an outdoor ball. The difference being weight and diameter. I still don't know why.
Further, Adrian's husband competes in Highland Games all over the Southeast. I learned that the caber toss is scored unusually...to me anyway.
(this is not her husband)
Envision that the man throwing the pole is standing on the six on the face of a clock. The end of the pole hits more or less in the center of the clock, then falls away from the man. If it lands directly straight, it scores a 12; or as if it fell on the 12 o'clock position of the clock. Anything not directly straight is scored as per 12:15, 11:55, etc.

I wonder how many of you won't get this gag....


It takes balls to be a dad. Balls................




What I look like when my wife says, "We need to talk."


Creativity is intelligence having fun.
- Albert Einstein




Ever wondered what a burning candle would look like in zero gravity? Amazing. Fucking amazing!
(interestingly, I first wrote "absolute zero" instead of "zero gravity" in the sentence above. I wanted to share that with you in order to iterate my give a shit about misspellings and errors in this blog. I don't have an editor, nor the time to make sure every "there" is not a "their". That doesn't make me a stupid person...it makes you a stupid person if you can't discern the meaning of a fucking word in the context of the sentence...that is all)


Spilling a beer is a capital offense in Texas and Louisiana.




Tyrone is dead tired.....


The guitar was originally intended to be a device for the seduction of unsuspecting virgins. Musicians only noticed in the 1920's that it could also play music.




This woman scares me....
That looks says "I demand three orgasms or you will be out in the backyard scratching around for a new species of salamander for the rest of your not-fucking life."


Fathers - Changing the world one orgasm at a time.




She's probably already aware of that...


If you look at it in just the right way, the queen was the first work-at-home gal.




Speaking of....


TRUE: A pitcher for my Carolina Gamecocks couldn't get anybody to feed his fish while he was on the road, so he got permission to take it with him on the bus. They swept that series and the fish has become a regular fixture, complete with it's won slogan..."FEAR THE FISH"!
It seems to be working just fine, thank you very much.




One of those days when you wish you had just stood in bed.....
Tank commanders just fucking with each other.


I have to turn the volume up on my TV so loud that my wife calls it Hi-Deaf.



The dog gets the gag....


What if all the people who advertise stores by dressing up in silly costumes and waving signs went on strike? Wouldn't that be the most awesome picket line ever?!




I have a friend who gives out parking tickets. This is for Shawn...


I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.


Puppy breath, there's nothing like it in the world....


Let's learn something, shall we....


Have you noticed that in cartoons, if the wavy lines over something are even it means it is hot; it they are at different heights it means it stinks.




Sweden is debating a law that legalizes murdering ugly people....
Seriously, Sweden is debating a law to demand that men sit to pee in public restrooms.....and that shit is true.


Has anybody ever tried to make their own Cheetos?

Read carefully.....


What if we used to be able to make wishes, then some prick wished we couldn't.




Jesus Joseph and Mary!!!!
Have you ever been so pissed off that you ripped your own guts out just to show them how pissed off you were?


When I have grandchildren, I'm going to get them a transexual to play with in the back yard....like a chew toy for a dog.




HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!
(that motherfucker nailed it!)


Lofty ambitions are like fat people. Most of them don't work out.



Been watching a lot of soccer lately.
Here's a sample....


There is a Chinese restaurant where the customers take delight in watching a dog run out into the yard and kill the chicken you are about to eat.....and that is true.....


Polygamy - The other theory of relativity.




Holy Nick, ya'll.......


TRUE: FedEx driver refused to accept package addressed to publisher Random House because he took the name literally.





And not a single fuck was given that day...


There is a very thin line between clever and stupid.





Dentist designed a better way to floss...
And it works very well.....you are welcome.


Wouldn't it be smarter if we all sat on the toilet backwards? We would have a little shelf for our devices and such, and the flusher is right there handy.




Take a moment to identify what you are looking at....


Am I the only one who adjusts the TV volume to a multiple of 5 to keep the universe from colliding?




Just more books carved into landscapes....


All a man needs is a woman with a good job.
Write that shit down, guys.



Holy shit, it's an acid flashback!


If "Plan A" didn't work, the alphabet has 25 other letters.
If "Plan Z" didn't work, you are more or less fucked.


 Another never-been-used-before sentence...

Very good advice, indeed....


I told my wife that she need not be jealous of anyone. I've been her's that first day she carved my initials in her leg.





My neighbor called to invite me to his cat's birthday party. I told him I couldn't go because my dog was getting married that day.





Alcohol has the ability to preserve many things...your dignity and virginity are not among them.





Scetch pad table that looks like a Postik...


We all make misstakes.



??????


Say what you want about marriage, but you have to admit, it's nice to sleep with someone you don't have to inflate.



Just because you can doesn't mean you should...


I grew up in a neighborhood that was so tough our scavenger hunts included keys, wallets and cell phones.




Find it fascinating that black people think less of ones of their own with very dark skin....


I hate maths.




My favorite weapons are revolvers....
What is the smallest caliber pistol that you trust to protect you? I vote 380.


Always assume someone is trying to kill you, because if you ever get murdered you get to die being right.




Let's celebrate the penis, shall we.....


My penis only has a tip...like someone glued an acorn to my lower torso.




Each family has one of these, don't they...
Look at the expression of the father's face...


Nothing to see here, folks, just move along....

Now - Penis: The Game......


I regret all those mistakes I made resisting temptations.



And for you lesbians...

Antique sign....interesting...


I've discovered that I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.




The man who was struck by lightning...


TWO OF MY VERY OWN....


The first word I taught my daughter was "brains", and until she learned another word she was the cutest zombie ever.


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