About Me

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I'm an artist, an educator, Pastafarian and I write. I also will gamble on just about anything. And I like unusual juxtaposition, but I love my wife...and beer. This blog is observations from a funny old man who gets pissed off every once in a while. Oh, and I mispell alot.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

WEDNESDAY



Saw a documentary of walrus snoring....unbelievable....


The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.




Neighbors in the process of changing deadbolt in front door...took picture of my house through the hole....


TRUE: Watched a video about four guys who went out on the beach late at night and buried an old trunk constructed in such a way that it looked like it was full of gold coins (plastic replicas). The next day they went out with a "treasure map" and dug down about four feet until they "discovered" the trunk. There was a huge crowd watching them when they opened the lid.
Question: What happened next?
a) Someone in the crowd called the local news and they made the evening news.
b) The cops showed up and told them the treasure was not theirs.
c) The boys hauled their trunk off the beach unmolested.
d) The crowd of vacationers stormed the hole and stole all the "gold".


Sadly, the answer is "d".





If you are not supposed to abuse cough syrup, then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?





When I used to own my bars, I liked to watch to see if the alcohol I was serving my customers would use its powers for good or evil.





This is what happens when people who "know" they, and they alone, are right are given power........every fucking time....


My mother told me that this was the first dirty joke she ever heard......circa 1925.....


What if, as some people think, each atom contains a whole universe and the only way to destroy it is with the production of electricity in nuclear power plants?
I bet if that story got some legs, we would all conserve more.




The Fish Whisperer......


Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to....unless you're in prison.




My ambition is handicapped by my extreme laziness....


Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.






Husband frantically calls hotel management from his hotel room, "Please come fast I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she will jump out the window of your hotel".
 
The manager responded, "Sir that's a personal matter."
 
Husband: "Idiot, the window won't open! ..... That's a maintenance matter!"





TRUE: There was a huge effort in England to "act normal" during the blitz.




"And if I had anyone to free, I would."


I think the number one reason for security cameras is to document people being stupid....


Kids today will never know the pleasure of typing out dirty words on a calculator.




No joke here, folks. They are called "Gamecocks", which is one badass chicken....


My jury is still out on this one....fool or fantast...you decide....


The next time your wife says, "Why must you always have the last word?"....don't answer her.




Oh, my........


Click and Clack - Tom and Ray Magliozzi.....we will miss you.....
I heard a call-in guest tell them: "I drive a 1971 Gremlin..."
She was interrupted by Click screaming "WHY?!?!"


ONE OF MY VERY OWN.....


TRUE: At the bar that I frequent, the TV behind the bar is on a different provider than the big screen in the back of the room, therefore there is a two and a half second delay. I watch the set behind the bar and feel oddly smug that I am slightly ahead of the rest of the room....I call it preknowledge. 





TRUE: During the poker game the other night, a young man kept checking his phone for scores because he had a $130 bet with a bookie on a basketball game. I asked why such an odd number and he stated that that was all the money he had.
FACT: I have placed four $100 bets with a bookie in my whole life and won all four. The trick is to pick your bets very, very carefully.
DECISION: When the young man at the poker table lost his bet, I almost told him about my experience with bookies, but chose not to. It wasn't so much the bragging aspect, but I deduced that I simply would not have been believed. 




ONE OF MY VERY OWN...


My daughter sent me a link to a comedian on Netflix and I clicked on. The man's name is Patrice O'Neal and his performance is called "Elephant in the Room" and it is one of the funniest things I have ever seen.
I strongly suggest you look this guy up. I had to pause the show many times so I could stop laughing....and that's saying something.




Freaky, this......


I saw a woman in my favorite bar who was so beautiful that I asked her to let me know when she was going to the bathroom so I could sniff her chair.





TRUE: It was reported that Fifty Shades of Grey has caused a surge in vibrator sales.




I have a friend who did this and still drives it....


I often wonder how many of you readers are looking at this while you are taking a shit.




Hospitalization in 5....4.....3.....


Having men work with women is like having grizzly bears work with salmon.....dipped in honey.




How about.....Fuck no!


Lovely, just lovely....


EXTRA! EXTRA! READ ALL ABOUT IT!


(he should have seen that coming)



???????


Words that have never been formed into a sentence before......


British Columbia's Spotted Lakes....


I judge how pretty a woman is by how long I think they would look for her if she went missing.




I almost majored in ceramics. I liked the designing and making, but the firing was just plain work.....


This is the Throne of Swords from G of T....


This is a replica for sale for $3000.....


And then there's this....


Fuck fascism.....


Well, you probably know where I stand on the issue of prohibiting big drinks and such in NY.
Remember, you end up enslaved by losing one small freedom at a time....none of which seems like a big deal until you one day you add them up from your fucking prison cell.
Are we so stupid as to fall for that over and over? Don't answer that....


Topless okay; big drinks illegal.....go fucking figure...


Let me take this opportunity to remind you that I get 95% of my images with no way of finding out who the photographer is. I regret that. This person needs credit for this powerful image.....



Would you like me to show you?


I find this fucking hilarious.....
I would have wire the prop to an electric motor so that it could spin the whole time.


Get off the lawn!


Dear Syrians,
Good luck, my friends, good luck.


I showed my wife this photo and she said, "What the hell are those?"
She thinks "Cooking" is a city in China.


I knew a guy that built his own boat. It looked kind of like this. He's dead now. I still carry a satchel he gave me and think of him every fucking day....


My grandmother had a tub like this.
With her dead and the house in need of remodeling, my sister got the tub and had it completely restored and placed in her home.


How many times have I been in a motel or such and not had a glass in the bathroom for a middle of the night drink.
Now this. Bravo, masterful designer, bravo....


Thief was first sprayed with bear repellant....yes, bear....then caught as he was fleeing back over the counter....
Later, the thief offered the shop owner $15,000 not to release this film.
(I made that up)


Ever wonder what it looks like under a glacier?




2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Ralph, I have read your blog so many times while taking a shit. Now when some one farts, I think of you.- Mel

Aaron said...

Regarding the Jesse Owens photo, it is somewhat interesting to note that in 1936 Americans still used the Bellamy salute (aka Roman salute, Nazi salute) when reciting the Pledge of Allegiance.

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