About Me

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I'm an artist, an educator, Pastafarian and I write. I also will gamble on just about anything. And I like unusual juxtaposition, but I love my wife...and beer. This blog is observations from a funny old man who gets pissed off every once in a while. Oh, and I mispell alot.

Monday, July 30, 2012

MONDAY


Both feeds and humiliates squirrels simultaneously...



When drinking, why is it so hard to remember that the street is just a little lower than the sidewalk? I mean it; how fucking hard is that?
It's like the first little alcohol molecules travel straight to the brain and seek out the little file cabinet labeled "Things I know I know", then removes the file labeled "Streets are just a little lower than sidewalks". That's the only way I can explain my bruises.







One of the benefits of petty theft is the marathon training you get during your failed escape attempts.



The very first one...
...had we only known, we could have nuked it in it's infancy.


Do you remember when obesity was known as a rich man's disease?



Megalodon tooth stuck in a whale vertebra.....
That has got to impress you!!!


We should recognize all the mothers who have survived Walmart on a Saturday, and still have custody of their children. Yesterday I saw a mother pick her toddler up by it's face! The kid didn't even seem to care, but it's going to need a new pair of glasses.





You might want to think about this when you think you have over-extended your credit line and are desperate.....


No matter how many gold medals Michael Phelps wins, I'm still uncomfortable with a sport that rewards obsessive manscaping.




And the latest news form Whatthefuckistan......


I hope my grandchildren appreciate me for giving them the least screwed-up 25% of their DNA.



How many trucks could a big truck truck if a big truck could truck trucks.....


Watching Olympic gymnasts always reminds me of how lazy my wife is in bed. Plus she's older than the combined age of the entire Chinese female gymnastic team. 
Bummer that.



I'm not sure they are both thinking of playing the same game...


Telling a woman to calm down when she's drunk works just about as well as baptizing a cat.




Well, of course you do.....


Why do people ask, "What were you thinking?" when I fuck up? Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain.





Would someone please explain to my wife that just because the restaurant puts them on the table, the Sweet'N' Low packets are not open to plunder.



Dear Parents,
The choice is yours....



The last time I went to a college football game, I found myself in a tunnel (this is not it), shoulder to shoulder, heel to toe with thousands of other people. I was terrified.
I kept thinking, What if somebody set off some fireworks or something, then there was a stampede? I slowly edged over to the wall, found a doorway and waited for the crowd to abate.


I stopped going to my AA meeting when another drunk set a woman on fire because he was "pretty sure she was a witch".


Very nice splicing of this loop, don't you think?


Nobody likes to see displays of public affection....unless they're an elderly couple............or lesbians.





I can not imagine working in a confined space like this.
It's just not natural...no windows, no view of any kind, no nothing....except work...all gray work. I'm surprised our productivity is so high.....
(and remember that modern work station I posted last week?)

There is so very much odd with this photo...


Let's move to the big city for the culture they said.
It will be wonderful they said.....


At least his dog didn't try to fuck this spastic bastard....


I knew I was too drunk to drive when the tree I swerved to avoid turned out to be my air freshener.






Instead of birthdays, I think we ought to have "anniversaries of the day we popped out of a woman's vagina while she screamed in agony". 
But that might just me.



Three new messages.....get it?



I assume because of the London Olympics, my porn site is featuring many more British videos. The other day I heard this conversation between two naked, sweating, fornicating people:
"Shall I place my member into your pooper?"
"Why, yes, I would love your member in my pooper. How dear of you to ask."
(I tried that on my wife and it didn't even come close to working.)





Do you ever stop and think about how empty our lives would be without alcohol and other......adjusters?




Welcome to Retirementdom.....

These are called Mantyhose....
I assert that the only reason you don't wear them is that the people whom you consider superior don't wear them.
If your dad wore them, you would probably wear them when you grew up....
Who made up these stupid rules? You don't know? But you still follow ALL their dictates down to the configuration of the knot? Well....what can I say?


If you are one of those people who look down on men who don't (won't) wear ties....then fuck you.

Oh, and then there's this. In Italy, this is the rage....men in high heels. These aren't gay men...these are straight men.
Would you do such a thing? I will bet money on it. Most of you will do anything that society deems appropriate....


??????


Skiing is only fun to watch when the people doing the skiing are very bad at it.




Hello.....


My jury is still out on the Penn State punishments....especially the part about harming young athletes who had no hand in the crimes.


Most people don't know it, but I once had Olympic dreams; however, finding out about the drug tests more or less fucked it for me.




I know it's a repost, but I can't leave these pricks alone....


Do you think that Obama's death panels will take Grandparents Day off?



 HAHAHAHAHAHAAH!!!!
(that was very clever)


These are all solid graphite art tools. I have worn out more of these than you can imagine...
I call the one second from the top "Big Bertha" and it will flat turn shit black.


Every time my wife has a birthday, I wonder how many more she'll have before she goes completely batshit and tries to seduce me because she thinks I'm the milk man or some such shit.




Could someone please help me out with this genitalia looking thing....
(look, I know there is a sly tank expert out there. You caught me with the Gunny gag. What the fuck is this?)


Shit like this gives me a hard-on. I can't wait!!!!
I heard a commentary about mars rovers. She asked, "What if you wanted to know what earth was like and you landed in the middle of the Sahara Desert?"
Interesting thought.


Welcome to the fucking club.....fucking club....oh, my, I made a little pun......


I know my anti-sermons and other comments and images can come off rather......brutal sometimes, but in reality I'm a rather kind person.
(note punctuation)


I have taught deaf children how to paint murals. I was very good at teaching them what to do by demonstration, but needed to know how to sign to them that they were doing it properly. This is the sign I was taught.
The first time I used it, the child got all excited and started signing me at 90 miles an hour. The teacher explained that I didn't sign, but it was true that I could only hear out of one of my ears. The students looked at me with great pity and their concern touched me.

I may have already mentioned this, but there was a conversation about time travel and someone said that he could go back and kill Hitler. The other guy said, "How do you know that somebody did kill Hitler and somebody else went back and stopped him?"
Interesting point.

One of my very own...



5 comments:

Aaron said...

The Hitler quote is from The Penitent Man, spoken by Lance Henriksen.

Ralph Henry said...

What a great movie.
The jaw dropper for me was when he realized what he had to do (or not do) and told his wife, SHE WANTED HIM TO DO IT ANYWAY!!!!!
It was like she hadn't heard a word he said.

Anonymous said...

Guess....flamethrower???

Ralph Henry said...

Flamethrower? Could be, but I can't remember seeing one that also had a cannon.

Anonymous said...

Tanks have them but I went through all the google tank flamethrowers and couldn't find one that looked like it. Maybe it is a baby tank maker.

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