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I'm an artist, an educator,,and I write. I also will gamble on just about anything. And I like beer...but I love my wife. This blog is observations from a funny old man who gets pissed off every once in a while.

Tuesday, July 31, 2012


The Harlem Hellfighters, c. 1914-1918....(note medals)....

What if all those medical procedures, like the stress test and colonoscopy, don't do anything and the doctors are just fucking with us...kind of like a fraternity prank?
I have it on good authority that colonoscopy was invented by the CIA for use in interrogation; with an almost 100% success rate. 

After the zompocalypse, the US National Anthem will be "Eat the Rich."
Rather powerful image, that.

With the known existence of narwhals, why are unicorns out of the question?

Just another reason to skinny-dip whenever possible.

Beer does not make me fat; it makes me lean....against tables, against the floor, the wall and ugly people.


Someday I hope to be able to afford a new iPhone like the girl in front of me at the gourmet meat market using food stamps.

This next one may be funnier if you look at the image a moment and try to guess what he's thinking....

Last night a woman grabbed my penis in a bar, and then turned and realized I wasn't her boyfriend. She then panicked and punched me in the face. I but smiled.

Not if they are too stupid to load a weapon.

Back when I had a Facebook account, my user name was "Nobody". That way, when I saw something stupid, I liked it and it said, "Nobody likes this."

I am often puzzled by the things I find amusing....

Crossword puzzle clue: Indulged in some capers.
_ _ _
[ ATE ]

If you've got it, flaunt it, big fella...

"Quidquid lactine kictum sit, altum viditur."
[ Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound ]

Can you spell wuss, boys and girls....

Meanwhile in Australia...

Have you ever had a best friend who was so close that he single-handedly raised your family's suspicions about your sexual orientation?
Truly, there is nothing better than fish so fresh they were living, breathing creatures only moments before.

Because ladders are just sooooo fucking terrifying.....

So, you want to be an Olympian.....
This just ain't right, ya'll.....they got the fattest girl in the room to do the sitting upon.

I wonder how many women pretend to be pregnant so people won't know they are just plain fat.

I would rather chop my arm off and buttfuck myself with my detached limb than even try to do something like this...

Watching the Olympics, I have learned a great lesson:
It's not whether you win or lose that counts. It's whether I win or lose.

Are airline hijackers really anti-American, or are they just trying to save us from Scientology?

This the way I look when my wife asks something like "How many quarters are in a football game, anyway?"
(Seriously, she once asked me how many innings were in a football game.....true)

Religion...not even once....

The amount of sleep required by the average person is five minutes more.

This dog was cloned from dead family pet....$155,000.....
When he licks himself, he licks himself!

Moonshiners used wood blocks to make their footprints look like cows...

You call them "curse words". I choose to call them "sentence enhancers".

Check expression of guy on right....

Am I the only one who yells "Stay" at objects that keep falling over?

I eat four of these every day......every.....day......

If Buzz Lightyear didn't think he was a toy, then why did he stop moving when Andy came in the room?

Thanks, mom...
As I understand it, them having twins is very rare.

You think this is true?

I was terrified my children won't make the same mistakes I did.

Ireland is expected to medal in Drunken Boxing.

I would so try that.

Don't just break his heart; rip it out, lay it on the floor and stomp on it; then shit on it; then feed the bloody, fecal covered blob to your dog....

My yard man appeared at the door to my office right when I was measuring how far my dick would extend past A.

Estimated age - 80 to 100 years.
 It was taken to a restaurant and a man bought it and let it go...

This is a repost, but every time I get down to "Star-less Sneetches" I laugh...

This machine can do it's job without stopping traffic. The cars just drive over it.

This man deserves a Nobel Prize....not sure which category...

TRUE:  Donald Perry, Chick-fil-A's VP of public relations died Saturday.
I can only assume from embarrassment.

My wife's non-profit store donated $49,000 to the women's shelter this year.

Cause you never know when it might rain...

When everyone has herpes, it's like no one has herpes.

Did you hear about this prick?
And he did it twice!!!

The bad news is: Time Flies.
The good news is: You're the Pilot.

Country ham. Why I will never commit suicide....

I wonder if the astronauts on the International Space Station can see my wife's butt from up there.

It's kind of fun making up an imaginary conversation between the people in photos like this....
"Is this the line for "The Village People Meet the Nazis" try-outs?"

TRUE:  Scientists said today that the US is experiencing the hottest July in history.
I think the only way to explain it is that the earth has moved closer to the sun, possibly caused by there being too many fat people. I'm still working on the math.

Okay, here's another one. What do you think the man in the bottom image is saying?

I have found a wrinkle in the space/time continuum. Within feet of my favorite bar, the sidewalk makes a ninety degree turn. There are two parking spaces painted on the street, but then there is a six foot empty space left over between the last parking space and the curb. I asked the meter maid if I could park there and she assured me that I could.
Think about that. It's like I have a reserved parking space for my golf cart....free.

You're using it wrong..................or not........

I wonder what it would be like to blog sober.

I wonder how many children's coats could be made if Queen Elizabeth's was skinned and ironed out into leather?

Dear sir,
I'm sorry we ask you to go through this.
All Americans.

Medical marijuana is now said to provide relief to patients suffering from debilitating diarrhea.
That's a win-win for Taco Bell.

Drunk is when you feel sophisticated, but can't pronounce it.

"Why do you watch so much Olympics," my wife asked. 

I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.

"Jesus loves you" is the last thing you want to hear in a Mexican prison.

Well, shit...
How important is that equity in your house now?

"Well, officer, it was worth a try. I regret nothing."

Anti-bum benches....
I thought it would be a good idea to propose to my wife at a park. Later I found myself walking for hours looking for a bench that did not have a sleeping bum on it. That's true.

If you hate capitalism so much, then just type everything in lower case. Problem solved.

I've never actually seen a bully steal a nerd's lunch money.

One of my very own...

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