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I'm an artist, an educator, Pastafarian and I write. I also will gamble on just about anything. And I like unusual juxtaposition, but I love my wife...and beer. This blog is observations from a funny old man who gets pissed off every once in a while. Oh, and I mispell alot.

Monday, September 17, 2012

MONDAY 9/17/12





Here's what I want. I want our president to just call a spade a spade. Tell those lunatics that it's not the 8th century anymore and they are the laughing stocks of the modern world. 






If you've never had four queens beaten by a small straight flush, then this will make no sense to you...

This is the way I look when my wife said, "I cleaned off your desk in your office. It just looked so untidy."

Well, it looks like someone missed the whole concept...


I watched a show about wine making. It seems that inventing a machine that could replace human feet in the crushing of the grapes was not as easy as one would think. The bottom of the human foot, it turns out, is exactly what is needed to not only flatten the grape, but to crush the skin of the grape in such a way as to release its flavor. Finally they came up with a rubber roller device with its own "feet" to do it perfectly.



TRUE: I do this!
Whenever I see someone driving like a jerk, I think of the times I was driving a bleeding child to the hospital.

I would like to buy the person who invented these a drink...

They are mammals after all....

I have a friend (ex-navy) who can do this. I find them beautiful...

Horse - 1
Brander - 0
GOD DAMN I BET THAT HURT!

In what could be the worse timing since Napoleon decided the dead of winter was the right time to invade Russia, Neiman Marcus is suing my wife's charity store for the use of "Last Chance" in its name. A state legislator has volunteered to handle the case pro bono.

The whole state is in an uproar. My thinking is the corporation will back off over the massive negative publicity. 
I've begun to spread word that they think cancer is funny and want to be butt fucked by satan.



I know I'm cynical, but I think the anti-protest protest was staged....


I had to look up Alfred Packer and, yes, he ate people also.

Quality humor...our only goal....

SAID TO BE TRUE: This man is getting married to a woman he has never seen until the day of the wedding....

One of my greatest fears is that weed is making me stoopid.

Saw this in a video. Never did find out what the dozens of references to 9/17 was about, but that's my birthday....and I took it as a good omen....


There is a move afoot to outlaw Bucky Balls over the risk of children swallowing them.
At first I laughed, thinking of the millions of things that would have to be outlawed on the grounds that they were "swallowable". Come to find out I was wrong. When the magnetic balls travel through the child's intestine and progress around various loops, the magnets in one loop connect to the magnets in another loop. This is very, very serious.
Many children are awaiting intestine transplants over the damage the little toys cause.





Well, not everybody. You missed the whole fucking point, Mr. Joker....


Let's take a closer look at that, shall we......


Okay, I will just state it right up front. I reject the whole "We have to respect other's religion" bullshit. I don't. I won't. If you are batshit crazy, you ought to be called on it.

This is cool as shit. A tree house with dozens of birdhouses built into one wall.
Then when the kids climb up into their treehouse....
They can look through peep holes at the eggs and shit.


Well, played, sir....




How fucked up would it be if the last sentence of the last Harry Potter book was "And then Harry woke up back in his bed under the staircase."








If guns kill people, then how does anyone get out of a gun show alive?




Well.....................NO!

Aren't we all, young man, aren't we all....

The New Fucking Yorker bends to this insanity?!?!?!

From an article on the world's oldest trees. Anybody else see a face in the trunk?

I saw something like this one time and it was fucking awesome. Five planes flew wing tip to wing tip and a computer let out a puff of smoke at just the right interval to write some cheap advertising shit.

This one is Pi taken to the first 1,000 places....


And here was it's route....
"Pi in The Sky"........fucking brilliant!!!

Reason #435 I don't ride public transportation...


Ran across a selection of images in one of my daily websites and saw this.
Here's what that collection of photos reminds me of. A man, I forgot his name, invented a system whereby ballet could be written down like music. Before that, the only way to perform a ballet was to have seen someone else do it.
Any way, I think photographers and models have a system to shorten the shoot. Like he says, #4, L, Big P; which translates into Pull down your shirt with the left hand and pout. You see where I'm going with this?

I would like to buy this woman a drink.

Damn, guy!!! That has got to be the worst fashion decision I have ever seen. I mean, where the fuck is your dick?!?!




I'll just bet she did....


Aaaaaah.......nope.......


We live in very exciting days, Gentle Reader.
I heard a man who thinks a total economic collapse is now........unavoidable.  We now meet every single condition as Rome faced just prior to....well, you know.

This is a Blanket Octopus....

I couldn't agree more.




Come across some old slang terms. Some of them are pretty fucking funny.

A shape in a drape
A well-dressed person. “Usually she just wears jeans, but she sure is a shape in a drape in that dress.”

Bright disease
To know too much. “He has bright disease. Make sure he doesn’t rat us out.”
Claws sharp
Being well-informed on a number of subjects. “Reading Mental Floss keeps your claws sharp.”
Dixie fried
Drunk. “It’s Friday and the eagle flies tonight. Let’s go get dixie fried.”
Everything plus
Better than good-looking. “He wasn’t just built, he was everything plus.”
Focus your audio
Listen carefully. “Shut your trap and focus your audio. This is important.”
Gin mill cowboy
A bar regular. (A gin mill is a bar.) “Cliff Clavin was the _flossiest gin mill cowboy of all time.”
Hanging paper
Paying with forged checks. “I hope that chick who stole my purse last week goes to jail for hanging paper.”
Interviewing your brains
Thinking. “I can see you’re interviewing your brains, so I’ll leave you alone.”
Jungled up
Having a place to live, or specific living arrangements. “All I know is that he’s jungled up with that guy he met at the gin mill last month.”
Know your groceries
To be aware, or to do things well. (Similar to Douglas Adams’ “know where your towel is.”) “You can’t give a TED Talk on something unless you really know your groceries.”
Lead sled
A car, specifically one that would now be considered a classic model. “His parents gave him their old lead sled for his sixteenth birthday.”
Mason-Dixon line
Anywhere out of bounds, especially regarding personal space. “Keep your hands above the Mason-Dixon line, thanks.”
Noodle it out
Think it through. “You don’t have to make a decision right now. Noodle it out and call me back.”
Off the cob
Corny. “Okay, some of this old Beat slang is kinda off the cob.”
Pearl diver
A person who washes dishes. “I’m just a pearl diver at a greasy spoon, but it’s a job.”
Quail hunting
Picking up chicks. “I’m going quail hunting and you’re my wingman.”
Red onion
A hole in the wall; a really crappy bar. “I thought we were going somewhere nice but he just took me to the red onion on the corner.”
Slated for crashville
Out of control. “That girl’s been in college for five minutes and is already slated for crashville.”
Threw babies out of the balcony
A big success; interchangeable with “went down a storm.” “I was afraid the party would suck, but it threw babies out of the balcony.”
Used-to-be
An ex, a person you used to date. “I ran into my used-to-be in Kroger’s and I looked terrible.”
Varicose alley
The runway in a strip club. “Stay in school or you’ll be strutting varicose alley, girls.”
Ways like a mowing machine
An agricultural metaphor for impressive sexual technique, from the song “She’s a Hum Dinger” by Buddy Jones. “She’s long, she’s tall / She’s a handsome queen / She’s got ways like a mowing machine.” (Let us know if any of you ever successfully pull this one off in conversation.)
X-ray eyes
To understand something, to see through confusion. “That guy is so smart. He’s got x-ray eyes.”
Yard
A thousand dollars. “Yeah, it’s nice, but rent is half a yard a week. Let’s jungle up somewhere else.”
Zonk on the head
A bad thing. “It stormed all night and we lost power, but the real zonk on the head was when hail broke the bedroom window.”

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

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Ralph Henry said...

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