FRIDAY

Thank you, anonymous person...

When someone says, "He's a good guy once you get to know him," they really mean, "He's an asshole, but you get used to it."



Fuck these pricks...

When my friend was in prison he was a tight end on their football team, but after one trip to the shower he was a wide receiver.

 (repost?)

Me at my first topless pool party...

You would think there would be a gene to prevent that...

We've all pretended to die in front of our pets to see how it would react, haven't we.



Every town, no matter how small, has a festival of lights...

One does not simply press the "clear" button on a calculator once.



I like this cartoon...

Can you imagine having to come up with a funny cartoon every day...even when you feel like shit or your dog died or your girlfriend fucked your brother.

Do homeless people get knock knock jokes?



I predict that the "new" GOP is going to jump all over the latino vote by giving every fucking one of them citizenship...and two chickens in every olla...

Do we have to know who's gay and who's straight? Can't we just love everybody and judge them by the car they drive?

This man and I are soulmates...

Evidently, Lincoln is doing well in theaters despite historical evidence to the contrary.

Had we been born elsewhere...

This is true, folks...

When you know you have too much time on your hands...

This is just one reason I forbid to follow the herd...it's just too fucking easy...

Of all the people you would expect to wear this...

 ...this man would be far down the list.

For House...

Can you spot the Canadian...not her, the other one...

Why I hate internet quotes...

When you've lost something, your pocket is the place you need to look at least six or seven hundred times.

I tried anorexia once. Once; like a meal...part of it.
For a few minutes.

Why I can't sleep...

...did you notice the prong difference?

(September 17 is my birthday)

Hug? One hug coming up...

If Puerto Rico becomes the 51st state, we should just combine North and South Dakota into just Dakota or Super Dakota or whatever and be spared the necessity of changing all the flags.

(Or just give Maine to Canada)

 You can shoot a toothpick across the room by doing this...

In your hand you have the most powerful tool known to man. That is all...now let's get back to the stupid cat pictures...

(by the way, GIF was named Word Of The Year by the Oxford Dictionary)

I have no idea if this is true, but it's something to think about...

12/12/12 is the last triple number date I will ever see.

We have all heard the old saying, "Lord willing and the creek don't rise." I have a dear friend who swears the original phrase meant "Creek", as in Indian tribe and rise meaning rebel, revolt, riot.


OOMVO

Challenge accepted...

My most trusted advisor sent me some laws that are on the books in Illinois:
- One may not pee in a neighbor's mouth.
- It is unlawful to change clothes in an automobile with the curtains drawn, except in case of fire.
- There is a $1,000 fine for beating rats with a baseball bat.
- Can't fish in your pajamas.


OOMVO...

That's probably not that funny to you, but I had a friend tell me that he had, if fact, gotten diarrhea in the middle of Barnes & Noble and didn't know where the bathroom was. I laughed so hard that I later had to apologize. Thus the caption.

Said to be true...

And they feel the need to advertise this in 88 point font...

And we put up with this shit year after year after year...

What a fucking loop hole!!!
A deleted email draft is kept on the server for six months and the government considers that abandoned property that requires no warrant even though you can't actually erase it.

Ouch!

Read a sentence that used "smiled to" instead of "smiled at". I thought it looked awkward.

May your family's Thanksgiving dinner be less awkward than the Petraeus'.

If you can't actually win an argument, then just lie about it...

Am I the only one who dreams of waking up with a hangover and there's two women in my bed....and one of them is old Miss Horton, my fifth grade teacher....and she's the more attractive of the two....and I have a tattoo....of a penis......on my chin?

Well, I guess he ought to know.

Doctored book cover...the real name of the book is All In...

Can you imagine the head of the KGB or China's top spook being brought down for an affair?
Heard today that the affair came out in his vetting for CIA boss. Time will tell, I guess.

OOMVO...

TRUE: This guy tested lip stick by having women kiss him...

What a wonderful movie...

If you type "coughing" into Google images, it looks like a bunch of people giving blowjobs to invisible men.

You think those girls are wearing any underwear?

Would you consider prostituting yourself for a really good barbecue sandwich?

Next time you see an old guy, just remember, they did this shit too...

Government:
If it moves, tax it.
If it keeps moving, regulate it.
If it stops moving, subsidize it.

I accidentally called 911, so I set my car on fire so I wouldn't look stupid.

Aaaawkwaaaard.......

If analog clocks disappear, clockwise and counterclockwise will be meaningless.

This is why he was the Greatest...

Do you know how funny it would be to steal a donut truck and have a long slow OJ-type car chase with like a hundred police cars and helicopters and shit.

Hey, Abby, bought this today with a two dollar bill...

Guy doesn't realize what he looks like he's doing...but his friend does...

I wish we still made stuff like this...

He makes it look so easy, don't he?

I've never wanted anyone to die more than the idiot in horror movies who always suggests they should split up.
I mean, haven't they ever watched a horror movie?!

Remember when we used to wake up only to realize what kind of girl we brought home the night before?

Every child I ever taught learned how to make pop-up cards...(this is not one of them)....

Shit is fucked up and stuff.

Parents filmed their kids when told they had eaten all the kid's Halloween candy...

 One little kid, came over to his dad and said, "Oh, that's okay, Dad," then comforted him. It was actually rather touching, and I bet it made his Dad feel just like shit.

Dear South Africans,

If you do this, then fuck you.

Sincerely,

The Rest Of Humanity

Is that a fucking bow?!

Yes, he hates his job...

NO POST ON SATURDAY