FRIDAY #1390

How many access points are too many access points?

Why the fuck wouldn't the poor people eat the birds?

I am not always reminded that I hit the genetic lottery, but when I am, I'm at Walmart.

Toilets all have one primary purpose. What I have never understood is why we use the tank models in our homes and this type in commercial use. Anybody know?

Yesterday, I pulled the prank about backing up at a red light cause the car next to me is texting. When I pulled back up next to him he looked at me, wiped his brow in a dramatic gesture and clapped his hands.

TRUE: This is a functioning automatic weapon made from parts printed out on a 3D printer. I watched the clip of it's first firing. It jammed twice in six shots, but it still fired...

Please stop saying 12/12/12 only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That's how time works.

Back when I used to direct children painting murals, most of the time they were standing on tables. I always had a stick so that I could point to something on the wall without climbing on the table. I learned to spin the stick just like this, much to the delight of my charges...

When wearing a baseball cap, a guy may position the brim at either 12 or 6 o'clock. All other angles are reserved for rappers and the handicapped.

"Can't you see I'm eating?"

Santa is REALLY going to love the cookies he gets in Colorado this year.

If Beauty and the Beast teaches us anything, it's that looks don't matter as long as you keep her locked up long enough.

This may take a second or two...

Best idea in packaging I've seen lately.

It even stands up by itself.

This is the new rage, shaving people. It's called the cat tail and I think you preeners need it...

This woman's employer found this silly photo on her Facebook page and fired her. I wouldn't have done it, but it is just a joke...

Women suing over this description on receipt...

 But they ARE fat. Had mine said "Old man" I wouldn't get upset. I just don't get it. Do they not want to be reminded that they eat too much and exercise not enough?

These are two real internet ads...

OOMVO...

This bird drives that thing...seriously...

OOMVO...

 Remember when we felt bad about that sort of thing?

But it has to come down somewhere...

You're never too old to learn new tricks...

These are coffee beans that have passed through the digestive tract of an elephant. The resulting brew sells for $50 a cup....

OOMVO...

This is the shape of the normal human foot...

 ...so, how did we end up with shoes shaped like this?

Just fucking kill yourself....

I want my nephew and Mel to pull this on their wives...

I assume he told her to put the coin on her forehead and close her eyes for a count of ten or whatever, then try to get the coin in the cone.
But you have to admit, this woman was pretty fucking cool about it...

Interbreeding until it gets to a stage of deformity that is considered cute. I don't think so...

A miscarriage of esthetic justice.

Might want to think about this one a moment...

Women, it doesn't matter how powerful the man is, how tall he is, a mean he is, how rich or poor he is, at one time they have all measured their dick with a ruler.

49% say there is a 51% chance. 51% say there is a 49% chance....

Pizza is warm, gooey, and flat....just like roadkill.


Had we been born elsewhere...

It astounds me that after all these years I am still at large.

OOMVO...

TRUE: Saw this headline the other day:
"An American Coptic Priest is angering Muslims over his charge about Mohammed's sexual tastes."
You think?!?

I love this stuff. Check out the nose for a part of the nose..

Cheap wine if for people who have given up all hope.

This is going to be very difficult to masturbate to...

"Damn, Marge, prison sure changed you."

This catfish just snatched a pigeon from the shore...

This is designed this way so it can cover ground on wheels relatively quickly, then convert to climb over rough terrain and even climb stairs...

Movie Scene: Car being chased by men with machine guns who are shooting holes all through the car. There is always...ALWAYS...a character who screams for the other passengers to get down. You think that always necessary?

My latest obsession with dollar bills has taught me that over time they shrink. I assume it's due to multiple washings or some such shit...

Have you ever been too sad to cry?
Nah, me neither.

White people.......fucking white people...

Whoever coined the word "tit"-illating was a very clever man...

TRUE: I read something on line that substituted "Aloud" for "Allowed". I found that very interesting.



A word is worth a thousand pictures...

It doesn't matter how awesome your cat is, you still have a box of shit in your house.

That guy is about as straight as Elton John.

In Georgia the conservatives have successfully removed all mention of gravity from public school textbooks, substituting "Yous ain't floatin' off cause god ain't want it."

Don't you hate it when your girlfriend is like, "I'm not your girlfriend, sir, I'm your flight attendant. Now please take your seat and prepare to land."

If you see little blobs floating in your eyes when you're looking at a bright background like the sky, that means you have brain cancer.

Something not worth doing is not worth doing well.

Yes. Yes, it is he...

My father had the heart of a lion....and a lifetime ban from every zoo in the state.

The most remarkable thing about my wife is that for 20 years she has served me nothing but leftovers. The original meals have never been found.

And then, suddenly, it all went to shit...

His wife was dying. He was by her bedside holding her hand.
"There's something I must confess," she whispered.
"Shhhh," he said. "There is nothing to confess. Everything is alright. Just relax."
"No, I must die in peace." She took a deep breath.  "I had sex with your best friend, both of your brothers and......your father!"
"Shhhhh, I know. That's why you're chained up in the basement waiting on the poison. Now just take another sip, and close your eyes. There's a game in thirty minutes."

THERE WILL BE NO SATURDAY POST TOMORROW.