FRIDAY #1396

Let's start off with a little song. You can keep it playing as you finish scrolling...

If I truly believed the world was going to end today, I'm sure I would do something like this...

The world's ending today and we still don't know Victoria's Secret. Pity that.

Just in case, I should be honest and confess...It was me. I let the dogs out.

Somewhere today a woman will fall for the end of the world line and take it in the butt.

That woman is not my wife.

If they had been very clever, everyone in Australia could have stopped posting anything at midnight just to scare the crap out of the rest of us.

If there is any type of apocalypse that is not zombie related, I'm going to be very disappointed.

One of my very own...

The best part of having kids is playing with the box they came in.

I like my president how I like my coffee...not muslim.

Canada is 50% the letter A.

Okay, I want to meet this guy...

Girls, don't blame the photographer...blame your parents for that DNA.

The idea that people a long time ago had sex really freaks me out. I can picture George Washington looking down, hand full of hair, as a gagging Martha gives him a blow job; and that makes me uncomfortable.

All men's bathrooms needs one of these...

"Mommy, watch this!" is the toddler equivalent of "Hold my beer."

Get it?

The only reason I would want to be buried is to have a tombstone that read: You're standing on my dick.

This is one of a dozen or so women who went over Niagara Falls and lived...

Wife: Must you fall asleep while I'm speaking to you?
Husband: No, it's purely voluntary.

This is why you should never, ever feed wild animals...

This ought to be illegal.

Few people take the time to think of all the shit they have survived up until this point, but yet, here you are. You go, motherfucker. You are awesome.

"Please don't eat raw cookie dough."
Why, Pillsbury? Worried I might be happy for FIVE GODDAMN MINUTES?!


This is by far the most creative man I know. That is all.

My daughter once came home from science class and asked me why stars die.
I said, "Drugs mostly."

Yeah, this is what I was taught. 

Read the very last sentence.

That moment I realized that my children have my twisted sense of humor and I didn't know whether to be proud or terrified. 

Now that's what I call one hot momma...

When I was your age, the internet went Skaweeeerureeweeert.

I normally don't like to see old ladies get mauled...

 ...but if you have a bear chained to a tree, then fuck you.

Pollen is essentially 'plant sperm', therefore, this makes hay fever an STD. And since no one voluntarily takes in the pollen, I've concluded, we are all being raped by trees.

Have you ever watched a woman go through menopause?

For most people when you lose your "khakis" you've lost your pants.
When you're from Boston and lose your "khakis" you can't start your car.

Where will we be in 50 years?

I went line dancing last night....well, it was a roadside sobriety test....same thing.

Found the tattoo I want...

Monogram: Not enough of any drug.

So, Americans are stupid. What's your point?

Overheard this from a pair of women seated behind me.
"Judging by what I see when I accidentally walk in on them, my sons really like masturbating to the Google homepage."

"Excuse me, ma'am, but would you mind explaining to me what you're planning on doing with that stick?"

I often dream of getting a blowjob from the editor of Cosmo.

Everything happens so much.

When a really good wife finds out you want to have sex with a pie, will warm it up for you.

Apple map logo has you driving off an overpass...

People used to imagine that 2012 would be full of flying cars, but all we have is blankets with sleeves.

Did dinosaurs do oral?

Bitch...

I would just check it for freshness...

My doctor asked me if I exercise. I told him I jump to conclusions, fly off the handle, carry things too far, dodge responsibility and push my luck.

Read an interesting article about the Half-life of facts.
More or less, every "fact" we think we know will be proven wrong in a few decades.

This is the way we all look when we're in the car with an arguing couple...

Fashion savvy people probably look at my outfit the same way I look at a person who opens their laptop and has the Ask Toolbar installed.

Now you're fucking talking...

This guy only photographs very sad naked people...

One of my very own...

There are two types of trail-mix: M&M and disappointing.

Call me old fashion, but I think girls' shorts should be longer than their vaginas.

Shit you don't see every day...

Don't like getting your ass kicked by riot police?

 Here's two things to avoid doing...

An escalator being hoisted into place...

Packer fans hate the Vikings...

I paused Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory to go buy a Snickers. This is why I can't watch Breaking Bad.

Oh, look, Frogman as an "assistant"...

I only seem to remember I want to lose weight AFTER drinking 12 beers.

If you want someone to listen to you, start the conversation with "I shouldn't be telling you this."

 Lightning hitting a golf course...

Looks like one of those Chinese child workers just snapped...

OOMVO...

Damn bitch at the drive through looked me right in the beard and gave me one napkin. The mustache alone needs at least three! Thanks to that beardist bastard I look like I've been eating from a trough.

For every complex problem there is a solution that is clear, simple and wrong.

Taliban warrior dressed up like a girl...

This is an actual mugshot...

Yes I consider my body my temple. 
And sometimes my temple demands beer.

OOMVO...

This is what I look like when the CPA shows me how much I owe the government...

TRUE: Saw a bumper sticker that read: "It's not HIS barium."
What the fuck does that mean?

Every man who has ever lived believes that his dick is underused.

Who needs body tone when you have the internet?

Stockholm Syndrome - not just for prisoners anymore.

Try this: If you just have to take a shit in a public restroom and someone takes the stall next to you, try whimpering. Get louder and louder until he leaves.

Some stores have a motto of "We aim to please", but turns out most have terrible aim.



Adds a whole new meaning to the term "Mooning"...

I kind of like this...

Nothing keeps me up at night quite like thinking of two people fucking while wearing bow ties.

I love reading Netflix comments...

THERE WILL BE NOT POST TOMORROW.