FRIDAY #1402

I don't think this cartoon needs the caption..I got it immediately...

Wife says it's okay for me to talk to lesbians because they take good care of their cats and they have a can-do attitude.

I'm fine with gay marriage. I mean, that's just more room in heaven for me.

I don't have the balls to get a vasectomy. 

"Why? Because I fucking can, that why."

That awkward moment when dancing behind my wife and she bends over so I can grind, and then I realize she had just dropped an earring, and it's not my wife and no one else in Starbuck's can hear my iPod.

I think this is a stick-on ad for sunglasses...

Sometimes, if the onions are watching, I cry when I chop up other vegetables.

I don't know why, but I like this...

 I looks so.....desperate.

Thanks to alert Gentle Reader, Aaron, I now know the 1/2G should occur at around 8,654,750 feet above the surface of the earth.

I have mentioned the roads I drove on in France that had huge trees like this right next to the highway. With a speed limit of 60mph it was almost instant death if you left the roadway. Now they are replanting the removed trees along the roadway to slow traffic down. Go figure...

Since there have been so many electrocutions, first responders want more warnings on the outside of hybrid cars.

Tanning elephant hide...

Do zombies shit? Or are brains like 100% nutrition so that all of it is absorbed in the body?

Someone once told me that lust was a sin. 

I said, "Well, I'll be damned."

This is a comment that was left on my blog....

Definitely believe that which you said. Your favorite justification appeared to be on the internet the simplest thing to be aware of. I say to you, I certainly get annoyed while people consider worries that they plainly don't know about. You managed to hit the nail upon the top as well as defined out the whole thing without having side effect, people can take a signal. Will be back to get more. Thanks

(Ha! I hit the nail upon the top!)
Seriously, I want to thank all you people for turning other people onto my blog. My hits are going through the roof and it's all because of you. Thank you, sincerely.

Interesting quote I found...

When universe decides it is done with me, and this body is surrendered back to the stream of energy from whence it came (no, Virginia, atoms do not really exist; it is only universe pretending to be solid just where you are poking it.), it will arrive as a pretty beat up wreck of a human.

(just like it's supposed to be)

The key to happiness is the avoidance of assholes.

This took me much longer than it should have...

"I'm a goddessdamned feminist," said my wife cleverly.

I have to hide from exercise. I'm in the Fitness Protection Program.
I did absolutely nothing today and it was everything I thought it would be.

I just read that 40% of the internet is pornography.
I wonder what's on the other 60%.

The human brain is remarkable. It is the world's most intelligent and advanced biological creation. The peak of human evolution. Then occasionally...it forgets all that...

That's why god gave you two hands and only one face...and notice that the ball comes back for seconds. 

One of the hardest things to do is playing with a five year old and letting him beat up my Superman action figure with his Robin action figure without explaining to him why that would nevereverevereverfucking happen...ever.

My wife asked me how to spell innuendo. I told her innuendo doesn't work if you spell it out.

This is an illusion that I only include because every site I visit had it. See the illusion?

 It looks like a little guy is riding the woman.

I found out that the vortex only took over for the "pancake" model a few years ago....

She's just "big boned." She better have big bones to hold all that fucking fat up....

She's so fat her patronus is a cake. 

Yes, America, it has come to this...

Wouldn't it have been great to play this real loud all day while your relatives are visiting for the holidays...

A half a fucking million fucking hits!!!

I silently burped in the line at the grocery store, and it was so awesome that the lady in front of me checked her baby's diaper. I was uncharacteristically smug about it.

This is a scene from a movie (The Fall) I watched. That is two horsemen coming down the hill next to some very large boulders. Notice how the shadows look like a face....

 Here are some amazing real world scenes from the movie.

 I strongly recommend this movie...The Fall...write it down.

"I was let go when I explained to the policeman that I wasn't drunk, I was just dodging potholes," said no one, ever.

A guy has developed a road surface that are made of solar panels. This diagram shows how easy repairs would be...just lift out and replace in about 15 minutes. The math on the power generation is amazing.

 The contact surface is a textured, anti-skid silicon material similar to bullet-proof glass.

I hope your fine arts degree taught you the fine art of being unemployed.

My life won't be complete until I walk away from an explosion in slow motion.

I learned early on that artists can deduct alcohol on their taxes as a "supply". Saved me a fortune.

 Some people seem to specialize in fucked up.

Oh, look, most of the places with the poorest people voted Democrat. Interesting...

I wish them the very, very best...

 "Where da hoes be at?"

"Why, she be right beside you."

Football: Notre Dame is playing the SEC powerhouse Alambama for all the marbles in the championship bowlgame. The folks at Notre Dame came up with a T-shirt:
WE HAVE OUR GOLDEN DOME
YOU HAVE YOUR MOBILE HOME
I had given the Irish a chance until I read that.

How to know you are invited to a Jap's house...

 Actually, this is a very good idea. No tracking in dog shit and stuff like that. On the down side, how many people come in and stay. I'm always going in and out, so I guess slip-on shoes are a big plus. But still, it's kind of like going through an airport without leaving the ground.

No matter how great the declaration, if you quickly (very quickly) shout "You, too!?!", you will suck the wind right out of their sails.
EXAMPLE: "I once shot big foot from the front porch of my uncles shed."
"You, too!?!"

And he likes it that way...

Check out this weird ass shit...

 And here is what they say...

(no date was given)

I find it interesting that pseudonym is misspelled, plus the awkward last three lines. Oh, well.

And I wonder how you write "sex feet" in hieroglyphics...or Americans.

One of my very own...

If you give your children toys like this, there may be hope after all...

This is two women fighting at Walmart...

 I go Walmart for the same reason most people go to the zoo.

Overheard at Walmart: Congratulations on dodging the big STD bullet and only getting genital warts!

OOMVO...(and I did a rather good job of it even if I have to say so myself)...

There are people who think Olive Garden is real Italian food. The same people think McDonald’s serves 100% beef.

OOMVO...

Oh, look, you are going to have to watch a video to learn how to tie this new knot in that ribbon you wear around your neck. But isn't it just precious....it will make you look so manly....

My wife was flabbergasted that I had never heard the term "swing for the other team" before and had no idea what it meant.

OOMVO...

According to brain scans by some scientists, these are the most annoying sounds....

 Here are the most un-annoying...

Algid means it's cold. Try to throw that in a sentence today...maybe with your child. She will thank you.

A nursing mother is the purest act in the world...

Watched The Raven and knew the villain within the first 20 minutes. I remember what my nephew, Jim Reed, told me about picking the person with seemingly no motive in a novel I wrote.

I saw a rather serious movie about this...

If Earth had to be evacuated, but they could only choose several tens of thousands of people, what do you have to make you attractive as a passenger?

They checked all the genes for defects, culled the mentally ill, etc. They knew they needed genetic diversity, etc, but then it comes down to givers and takers. What do you, personally, have to offer in this quest to restart mankind? 

Nothing much? Then why the hell not? 

NO POST TOMORROW...I BARELY FOUND ENOUGH SHIT FOR TODAY'S POST.