MONDAY #1398

NEWSY STUFF

That was the worst apocalypse ever. Let's see what the internet has to say about it.

This is very interesting...

I'm convinced that it was just a huge Mayan-styled April Fool's Day.

But what if the world did end and was replaced with another that began exactly where we left off?

Look, guys, if you have a car whose odometer hits 9999999.9, you don't expect it to disappear. The same with the Mayan Bullshit, which I suggest we name the whole insane worldwide episode.

This is the last post I will ever make about the Mayan calendar...

TRUE: The government has given permission for the release of millions of genetically modified salmon that grow twice as fast as natural ones. That's the first time anything like this has been allowed.
What could possibly go wrong?

NOW LET'S MOVE ON....

From the dark side of Saturn...

So, what is the pale plume at the bottom right of the planet?
Question: Has this been color altered?

In all honesty, a flashlight will work just as well as any other metal cylinder....

TRUE: My wife awakened with a sore throat, so she went and squirted what she thought was sore throat medicine...it was an anti-itch medicine.
(I told her that at least her throat won't be scratchy all day)

We eat food that will never spoil because it was never fresh.

Question: Who the fuck hung around to take the photo?

I'm writing a book about reverse psychology...please don't buy it.

I know this is extremist, but whatever happened to the notion that it was YOUR, not the government's, job to feed, protect and advance yourself? It's called self-reliance and it's a good thing...

So very, very wrong. This makes me fucking sick...

There is no "i" in happness.

Me every morning....every fucking morning...

 And he wears sweat pants just like mine!

This man takes himself way, way too seriously...

Can you just see that motherfucker in the back room playing Grand Theft Auto on his computer under the user name Grand Poo-Pah Holy Man, and everybody thought it was made up.

The farther away the remote, the more you like what's already on the TV.

Who can watch something like this and not smile...

What's pathetic about it, that's the way I look every time I get up off a bar stool.

I lived in an apartment once. The walls were so thin I could hear the neighbors having their usual loud sex. Once I put a note on his windshield that said, "She's totally faking her orgasms, man. Wise up."

I once stood behind a man at an elevator who poked the button ever three seconds. I said, " Congratulations, you broke the code. If you press the elevator button exactly 46 times after it's already been pressed, it goes into "hurry" mode."
When he glared at me, I said, "It's a fact. Look it up."
It's so great being old.

What a fucking prick...

 Grown men are shaving their balls. Think about that a minute. Can you imagine walking in while a man is sitting on the side of the tub doing that? 
I weep for the future.

Meanwhile in Russia...

 ...and that, Gentle Reader, is why they will always win wars.

A blog is the only place where you get excited when a bunch of strangers begin to follow you.

This is just so very bad I had to share it...

This massive Midwest blizzard only happened because we took god out of The Weather Channel.

One of the last pictures of them together...

 Dude still had the bowl hair cut.

"Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously," my wife said, gently rubbing my balls as she made me watch our wedding video...again.

..."had a few drinks"...

 ...."do it better next time".

Owl survives being hit by truck...

 What does that say about our trucks.

What if we all had to actually think about breathing?
In, out, in, out...not to deep, in, not to shallow, out...

That little spider (arrow) has a great defense...

 He weaves it together from bits of leaves and other debris.

Question: Do you find it amazing that the little motherfucker can count to eight? THINK ABOUT THAT!!

Have you quit thinking about breathing yet?

Welcome to America. These guys COULDN'T have done any worse...

 Oh, look, here's one now...

What are the chances that a sub would pop through the ice right were a mother and two cub polar bears are walking?

DRUGS! NOT EVEN ONCE!

Where else can you find shit like this folks? 
You're welcome.

The news pretty much covered the scope of human intelligence with reports about the Mar's rover juxtaposed with a guy setting his house on fire after trying to dry his underwear in the microwave.

If this money doesn't have his other hand on his dick, I will kiss your ass...

My nephew sent me this from Austin, Texas. It's a recharging station for your electric car...

 ...and it's solar powered...

 ...and any left over energy is sold to the grid.

I want someone to explain to me why the US allows 10 million people to just walk across our border, then declare that the only humane thing to do is make them citizens...

 Oh, and bar PhD's who were educated in our universities.
That's just fucking stupid, folks.

Half full or half empty: Depends on whether you're drinking or pouring.
(that is brilliant!)

 Now this motherfucker is selling perfume....PERFUME!!

"Oh, shit" moment....

The world should consider ditching the metric system and adopting the American system where everything is measured in shitloads, cunthairs and fucktons.

I know you must be getting tired of my obsession with this shit, but I just can't let it go...

This designer got only $2,500 for one of the most famous images in the world...

If you have all the answers, then you are asking boring questions.


This is a message to black people from black people...

Every time I see or read something about that lunatic Westboro Baptist Church, I'm reminded about my gift of free speech. Shit like that is the price we pay, but free speech is worth the price.

There are over 40 billion public web pages on the Web today.

My wife's lessons are coming along admirably...

I used to tell my kids that Santa originally had 12 reindeer until 1979, when he began a mandated drug test.

I don't know why I think this is so perverse, but I do...

My wife is going to make Santa weed cookies.
Wouldn't you love to see that motherfucker afterwards? I mean really.....

I used to work in a bar and served draft beer in frosted mugs. I could do the shit out of this...only better...

No sitting US president has ever celebrated Christmas by sacrificing a lamb on the White House lawn.


My hair is about this long now. I find myself doing this all the time...

He was, of course, supposed to cut it in half...

The Jesus Estate sold the rights to Christmas in 1975 to Michael Jackson. In 1999, The Michael Jackson estate sold it to Disney. Disney is now in negotiations with a Chinese conglomerate. I bet you didn't know that.

Is this an option? No, seriously. Could you get in trouble by the new government?

If anybody ever tells me that I look familiar, I'm going to say, "Do you watch a lot of porn?"

ECHOLALIA: Repeating the speech patterns of another, as a baby.

I want a panel of billionaires to sit on a stage and take turns telling us why they should not pay a higher tax rate than the rest of us. I have never heard of such a thing, but feel certain they are so smart they could persuade us that it's a good idea.

Christmas is the only holiday that can be seen from the International Space Station.

Do. Not. Fuck. With. This. Woman.....

There are only two people in the world who hold the launch codes for Christmas.

This just wasn't her day...

If a big dog came by and fucked her unconscious ass, she could have called it a perfect trifecta...

And lastly, 10 surprising facts about the US economy:

1 - The number of Americans on food stamps now exceeds the combined
populations of Alaska, Arkansas, Connecticut, Delaware, District of
Columbia, Hawaii, Idaho, Iowa, Kansas, Maine, Mississippi, Montana,
Nebraska, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Mexico, North Dakota, Oklahoma,
Oregon, Rhode Island, South Dakota, Utah, Vermont, West Virginia, and
Wyoming.

2 - In 2011, 53 percent of all Americans with a bachelor's degree under the age of 25 were either unemployed or underemployed.

3 - Electricity bills in the United States have risen faster than the overall rate of inflation for five years in a row.

4 - One out of every seven Americans has at least 10 credit cards.

5 - In the city of Detroit today, more than 50 percent of all children are living in poverty, and close to 50 percent of all adults are functionally illiterate.

6 - The U.S. tax code is now more than 3.8 million words long.  If you took all of William Shakespeare’s works and collected them together, the entire collection would only be about 900,000 words long.

7 - There are 77,000 federal workers that make more than the governors of their own states do.  Nearly 15,000 retired federal workers are collecting federal pensions for life worth at least $100,000 annually.

8 -  If Bill Gates gave every single penny of his fortune to the U.S. government, it would only cover the U.S. budget deficit for about 15 days.

9 - During the first four years of the Obama administration, the U.S. government accumulated about as much debt as it did from the time that
George Washington took office to the time that George W. Bush took office.

10 - For the first time ever, more than a million public school students in the United States are homeless.  That number has risen by 57 percent since the 2006-2007 school year.

Try to have a nice day.