About Me

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I'm an artist, an educator, Pastafarian and I write. I also will gamble on just about anything. And I like unusual juxtaposition, but I love my wife...and beer. This blog is observations from a funny old man who gets pissed off every once in a while. Oh, and I mispell alot.

Friday, January 4, 2013


This is for Mel...he'll understand...

MOVIE TO WATCH: Beasts of the Southern Wild.

Today's post contains a bunch of weird-ass images that will be left without comment. Oh, here's one now...

There will be days when you accomplish great things, and then there will be days when you eat french fries for breakfast.

Remember when you were young enough to play games like this with your girlfriend?

I tried to join an all-women boxing gym. Didn't work.

Wouldn't it be funny if breast implants came with squeaky toys inside them.....think about it.

Every New Year's, my resolution is "Don't die this year."
So far, so good.

Anderson Cooper looked really jealous when the ball dropped.

On New Year's Eve I learned two things:
1. It's NOT Happy Nude Year.
2. I'm not allowed in my favorite bar because of #1.

My wife told me that her New Year's resolution was to have more sex with me, then gave me a bottle of Viagra. I came home later and gave her a bottle of diet pills.

Ladies and gentlemen, a guitar string...

Sculpture made of mechanical pencil refills...

Good advice: Don't try to use your entire vocabulary in a single sentence.

Yeah, magnets are magic...

With the communications devices we have now, our entire written language will be taken over by emoticons...bringing us back to hieroglyphs. 

I don't really give a fuck and my excuse is that I'm old.

The fact that music can induce tears is one of my favorite parts of being a human.

You can't make shit like this up...


Put some whiskey in my coffee because it's Ireland somewhere.

Number one problem facing humanity: Irony.

Whenever I get tired of the cold weather, I think of all the millions and millions of mosquitoes freezing to death.

Guy built a life-sized superman that flies...

A mousetrap...
TRUE: We had a city sewer truck working on my sewer hook-up this morning. My wife went out to talk to them and they told her the story about just returning from another call where a woman walked into her bathroom to pee, opened the lid and a fucking big-ass snake chased a sewer rat up out of the commode onto her bathroom floor.
Did she panic? The bitch called 911 in such a state that before the sewer people got there, there were two police cars and a fire truck already there.

Remember this coach who couldn't find his pocket?
 Well, he's no better with zippers...
(I really don't know why I laughed out loud at that, but I did.)

Nobody ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public.


Tonight I told a guy the joke about the bumps around a woman's nipple is braille directions to her clitoris. He said, "To her what?"
I but patted him on the shoulder, but understood why he has been married three times.

I want her on my next camp out...

I hate people who force themselves into a conversation by saying, "Guess what." I always guess.....ALWAYS!

There are people in the government who are paid to make sure advertisements don't lie. We, you and I, give them some of our money.
So, how is it that EVERY car insurance company in the country can save you $480 if you switch to them? Do the math....it can't happen.

Fire can't kill dragons...

Went to a pizza joint/bar to catch a ball game the other day. The guy on the stool next to me lowered his head and prayed over his slices of pizza. Then I altered my speech. I actually shouted "Dang!" once or twice. I still don't know why.

How to know you are going to have a bad day...


"Only a fool trips over what's behind them."
Spending your time regretting the past is a total waste of time. I used to do it, but, with great effort, I just decided that I am imperfect just like everyone else and I have made mistakes. Then I smile over the shit I did and got away with....we hardly ever rue escapes from justice.

Oh, look, somebody set the phaser to stunning...

Lesbianics is the language they use around people of their own kind.

I don't say "I'm on the internet" like most people. I say "I'm doing the internet", like it's a fucking drug.

Have you ever put a ham sandwich in a jar then gone back after a week or so and smelled it to get a euphoric high from the rot?

Look at the voids...

He, "Are you 18 or older?"
Me, "Are you fucking retarded?"


I wonder if Mrs. Death sends Mr. Death off to work with, "Knock 'em dead."

The number one reason guys become rock stars...


If each dead person became a ghost, there would be more than 100 billion of them haunting us all.

Is this what we have evolved into, America...

Remember this the next time you think about selling your soul to the devil...

You think this is natural or carved?

Never have understood the dynamics that create the left/right flow. Anybody?

Don't laugh. For 10 million pounds a year you'd do the same fucking thing...and enjoy it...

I can't believe somebody thought of this before I did...

Fucking police! The woman across the street stands naked in the window watching me jack-off and I'm the pervert?!

"Give a man a mask and he will show his true face."
- Oscar Wilde
For years I considered my full beard a mask...but not anymore. Interestingly, though, I've forgotten what I look like without it.

If I had any more kids, I would explain to them that anyone who captures Santa Claus gets eight wishes from the guy. Then, instead of cookies, we will place a bear trap in the fireplace. Then I would spring the trap and put fake blood and chicken skin around it. "Maybe next year we'll get him," I'd say.
Then when they grew up to be successful adults with no emotional trauma, they would carry on this wonderful Christmas tradition.

If I won two million dollars in the lottery, I would donate a quarter to charity...leaving me with $1,999,999.75.


What are the fucking chances...

NOTE: If you aren't plugged into 3D printing yet, then you might want to bone up. You can now print an LP that plays. You can print machines fully assembled. They are doing things in medicine that will astound you. Companies have sprung up that are scanning everything you can image so you don't have to.
So when your son or daughter says, "I need a 3D printer," they do, in fact, NEED a 3D printer.

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