FOLIO OLIO: MONDAY #1422

My wife took an online survey about her spending habits. The results stated: Return everything you just bought, except for the hooker heels...you're going to need those.

If you didn't want me to correct you, you shouldn't have been wrong.

Cowboys lost to the Redskins on Thanksgiving...what a turn of events.

After I ordered, the waiter reached out to me so I shook his hand. Turns out he just wanted the menu back. Most awkward moment of my life.

A man can sit up in a tree in winter weather and shoot a deer from 100 yards away right between the eyes, but then comes home and pees all over the toilet seat.

Look, kid, you're four. "Freeze tag" and "Febreze tag" sound an awful lot a like. Anyways, the burning will stop soon and you'll get your sight back quicker if you stop all that crying.

Almost swallowed a live spider that hid in my water bottle and crawled into my mouth, so if you need me I'll be committing suicide all day.

Most people don't know it, but it's okay to kick a man's barstool out from under him as long as you yell "Jenga" before they hit the floor.

The lady at Target couldn't scan my item, so she just looked at me and said, "Just take it. I hate this fucking place."

Smart kid...

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

Am I the only one in the Western Hemisphere who didn't know that was was not meant to be a moon? It is....an adornment...

This is a man walking in on the same scene...

(he's thinking "I should have thought of that.")

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

Melon Collie

Don't try to understand women. Women understand women and they hate each other.

Googled Tyrone. Most are mugshots.

Blessed are the meek, for to them we shall say "attaboy".

When I look back on all the time I’ve wasted, I’m just glad I wasted it while I still had the chance.

3 Words: Japanese. Binocular. Soccer.

This is an oldie but a goodie...

One of my very own...

Because of all the gas vent fires you can see North Dakota fracking site from space...

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

Had the man with the dog collar...

I painted a mural of a movie theater one time and chose ET for the movie because the posters would be so easy...

This is a gold "nugget" that a man found with a small metal detector...

I never hated a man enough to give him the beer back.

Must have been time for dinner...

One job. One fucking job...

Hot Water Heater. Think about that just a moment.

Human ashes turned into tree planter...

OOMVO...

TRUE: Watched a cop cam of a traffic stop where a man is asked to step out of his truck, then asked for his driver's license. The man says, "I have a concealed weapon's permit" as he reaches in his back pocket for his wallet. To do this, the guy has to lift up his shirttail. The cop puts the guy on the ground and arrests him for "displaying" a "concealed" weapon.