FOLIO OLIO: TUESDAY #1515

A TRUE STORY

FACT 1: A friend of my wife's has a son who is an IT guy at a large insurance company.
FACT 2: The lady turned on her computer and it began to make very loud beeps like a truck backing up, and never came on.
FACT 3: She took the computer to her son who went to Google for a cure. Here is what he was told to do and did:
As per instructions from Google, he removed the motherboard from the computer. He then wadded up four pieces of aluminum foil into small balls. Then he spaced the balls of aluminum on a cookie sheet so that the motherboard rested on the balls at the corners.
He then preheat the oven to 450, placed the cookie sheet and board in the oven, waited 20 minutes and when the motherboard was cooled and returned to the computer, it was worked perfectly.

In years past this would be sorcery.

Zombies probably smell like oleic acid.

A man told his rabbi that he thought his wife was trying to poison him. The next day the rabbi said, "Yesterday I had a three-hour conversation with your wife.............take the poison."
That's the way I heard the joke. My question is, why do the people have to be jewish? Anyway, Bernie laughed.

Because he fucking can, that's why...

This is the kind of shit that happens when the grant is running out.

Guests from all over the world had visited his estate over the years and he always took them for a stroll up his "Copse Climb".

He would tell his guests from developing countries that he had single-handedly built the stairs and planted the trees when but a lad of 19 years.
He would tell the guests from developed countries the truth; that he had illegally bribed the warden for convicts from the local prison to do all the work under the strict supervision of his sadistic overseer, whose idea the stairs had been in the first place.
Both sets of guests seemed equally pleased with the story; especially the Scandinavians. Scandinavians love a good stair story.

Am I the only one who thinks that 1 ply toilet paper shouldn't even exist?

If cats looked like frogs, we'd realize what nasty, cruel little bastards they are.

Scrapple is the fourth nastiest thing I've ever put into my mouth.

One of my very own...

First date? Pay very, very careful attention to your syntax.

If that doesn't impress you, you need to visit another blog.

Today during lunch we were discussing pick-up trucks. A few of the women said that when they were young no one they knew had a pick-up truck. Then one woman said, "Shoot when I met my husband, he had a pick-up without a muffler or any pipes whatsoever and no two parts of it were the same color."
In the South, we all see pick-ups like that every fucking day.

This man knows how to manipulate children...

If we gave more media coverage to every hero of a tragedy than we give the person behind it, then people would start to realize that attention and validation goes to those who do good, not harm.
Or not.

Damn.

That is exactly what I think about when I hear about those unit cohesion bullshit rituals of walking on those stupid ass hot coals.

It is often said that before you die your life flashes before your eyes. That is a true fact.
It's called living.
And when you get old, you will realize that it does, indeed, flash by.

(for Lara)
A genie grants wishes.
A researcher wishes for grants.

I say it's a hoax. I know not why...

STOP THINKING IN SWEAR WORDS!
Too late.

I wonder why they used a future Michelle Obama for this chart...

Saw several funny things that happened during the filming of the Wizard of Oz. Notice how the steam spooked the shit out of the dog who ran off...

In another clip you could plainly see the trap door open when the Wicked Witch was about to disappear.

Ever wonder why Americans are addicted to mode altering prescription medications?
I offer four reasons...

For you less informed, I would like to remind you that we are living in the safest period in the history of mankind. Look it up.

My doctor asked me if I had any suicidal thoughts. I told him yeah, but I have more homicidal thoughts, so it's more or less a wash.

There is somehow a logical explanation for this...

This is what a bar is supposed to look like...

Wood, goddamnit, wood!

Wait for it...

I honestly don't know whether cutting off your son's dick is absolutely necessary. And if the science on this is iffy, then wouldn't the prudent thing to do be not do it? Or wait for him to reach to age of consent and FUCKING ASK HIM!!

And don't even think of pulling the old aesthetics argument. You really, really don't want to go toward cosmetic surgery on babies, do you?

A girl once told me that I dance like my vagina was on fire. We had both been drinking, so I just let it slide.....but never forgot it.

Self-loathing is not all it's cracked up to be.

"It's not peer pressure if it's your turn."
(Read that again...it's kind of important)

Science, bitch! Look it up...

Am I the only one who thinks about intercourse every single time I put a key in a lock or plug in an extension cord?

Yeah.....right....

Sometimes during dull moments of her dinner parties she liked to wear her short black cocktail dress without panties and slowly, very slowly, climb the stairs to fetch her husband's sign copy of a young Chester A. Arthur's adoption papers...his second favorite possession....

TRUE: During a conversation at the bar Friday, I used the phrase 'too much information', which was overheard by someone who wasn't even in the conversation. So he started ranting about the checkout girl he had who just kept talking and talking and talking. He said he just wanted to say "Too much information" to shut her up.
I told him that maybe the girl was lonely or bored and just needed some human contact.
He leaned in close and whispered, "But there is a huge difference between a checkout girl and you and me."
I leaned in closer and said, "Ken, there is a huge of difference between you and me."