FOLIO OLIO: MONDAY #1530

NEWS

How true...

Fuck Abercrombie & Fitch...

I put this image in a Without Words Saturday post, then realized we need to talk about this shit...

As I understand it, this is, believe it or not, not all that uncommon. But my question is, why would you just let it keep growing? Wouldn't you think you would want to trim it if only to keep it out of your ass crack?
Anyway, let's continue...

What a fucking slap in the face....

I'm trying to get my shit together enough to address how scientists need to better help us all understand.

I know they are real busy and all, but so is that farmer who grows their fucking food and the unwashed would just love to have the Hadron Collider explained to him in language he could understand...if just to discuss it intelligently around the stove at the general store.

They say you could have seen this with the naked eye...

...had you been watching.

This is the way I look when somebody with lousy up-cards raises me and I have no idea what he has...

Never tell a woman she’s cute when she’s angry.

There is a beauty in a well-made firearm that non-gun owners will never see...

Shouldn’t it be called Bigfeet?

Watched a Russian movie, "9th Company", about young soldiers in Afghanistan and it emphasized that war is the same no matter who you fight for.
At one point a soldier is asked what he's going to do when he gets home and he said, "I’m going to start drinking and keep drinking until I forget all this ever happened."
Sound familiar?

Not mine but I wish it was...

When I was young, this was the most hated person on TV...

Just two presidents on Segways chasing Barbara...

My good friend, Rupert, had a lunch meeting, so he called to order two pizzas. He said, "And I want to pick them up at 11:45."
The man at the pizza shop said, "I'm sorry, but they won't be ready until 15 til 12."
Rupert told him that would be satisfactory.

I overheard my wife on the phone saying, "Well, Jane, I really don't know how to get grape Kool Aid stains out of white panties. Sorry."

Giant Python struck by lightning starting a fire....

Give this a moment...

It's a human face.

THE SMALLER THE DICK,
THE LOUDER THE MOUTH.

A fundamental property of the rarest element on Earth, astatine, has been discovered for the first time.
The article was way, way over my head, but this fundamental property discovery involved the Hadron Collider.
If you want to know more about astatine, here's the link...
>>>>> CLICK HERE <<<<<

Define "necessary".

LET'S DO FOOD NOW...

OH NO YOU DIDN'T...

Yes. Yes, we all know what you are thinking.
Quite a connoisseur I would say.

MOVING ON...

Me and my friend high-contrast...

So, you think you've had a bad day?

You know that awkward moment when you go to scratch that itch in the middle of your back and accidentally shit yourself?

(I wonder how many people won't get that)

I often hold up a dollar bill and smile when I realize that chances are good that it was been in a stripper's ass.

Don't let idiots ruin your day. I mean it, Gentle Readers. Just laugh the bastards off.

(you might want to look up the Surinam Toad....damn!)

One of my very own...

I can count how many times I used condoms on one hand.
That number is zero.
I put them on my penis, not my hand.

Fucking showoff....

Fuck laugh tracks. If I need to be reminded to laugh, then it's not funny.

I might not bet the farm, but I could wager some out-buildings that that's a woman driver...

When I was young, I used to think that the laugh track was real people laughing in their living rooms, and I would sit real close to the TV and laugh real loud in hopes that I could hear myself on the screen.

This is what commercial flights were like in the 50's...

My young neighbor and I were sitting on my patio having a beer when I noticed he looked upset. I asked him what was the matter and he said, "Can I talk to you about having sex with my wife?"
"Of course," I replied.
He said, "Can you stop doing it, please."

Here's a still shot that better shows the curtain of water illuminated by lasers...

That would be very hard to ignore.

(I had to made that scroll over large so you could read it)

This is why alcohol should never be allowed in the Safari Park...

You can't fix stupid, but you can numb it with a claw hammer.

I am hereby declaring war on the notion that one must document every single event of their lives...

I was once in the mural business with a man named David Phillips. He fancied himself a photographer and always...ALWAYS, had his 35mm SLR camera with him; clicking away at anything and everything.
He once shouted for me to pull over to the shoulder of the road, then he hopped out, ran back and photographed a dead snake on the side of the road.
I asked him what he was going to do with that photograph. He explained that he had millions of slides in an unused bedroom and that he would probably put that slide in a box with other snake images.
I knew that was a lie. The man couldn't organize his sock drawer, much less a million slides. So I told him that if he couldn't actually FIND an image he took, then that was the exact same thing as not having the image.
Now think about how many hundreds and hundreds of images are in the average cell phone...so many it would take half an afternoon to find that one of Aunt Martha you are looking for.
So, please, just pause, look at Aunt Martha, listen to her stories, remember what she smelled like, the sound of her voice and her natural expression. And put the fucking phone in your fucking pocket.
Thank you.
Here is Aunt Martha at her finest....

I once made the mistake of telling an FBI agent that I thought if I were handcuffed I could slide the cuffs under my butt and under my feet to free my hands...

He said, "Oh, you do?"
I said, "Yep."
With lightning speed that man grabbed me by a wrist, whirled me around and before I could say "Please don't kill me" he had me handcuffed with the TOPS of my wrists touching one another. Thus restrained, I can assure you, my plan was foiled.

Sometimes it really is just that easy...