ADVENTURER’S LOG: EARTH CYCLE 15 - SUNDAY #1699

OGDEN, UTAH

Where the Golden Spike was nailed to join the western half and the eastern half of the transcontinental railroad.

My wife and I have a deal. I do all the driving and she does...well, everything else...like motel reservations. We normally don't fuck with reservations, but the last time school was not out. Now everybody and their brother is on vacation. Anyway, she read the comments on this motel I'm in tonight and it said that as soon as they pulled up they saw "gang activity" and went somewhere else. I've got my camera ready in case there is a rumble, and, quite frankly, I'm looking forward to it.

We had to take the interstate to Ogden because there was only one "red" road that came even close to here, and it had not one town on it...which means no getting on line and making a reservation.
I did want to see a National Fossil Monument. I thought it would be like the petrified forest where they had shops that sold bits of the stuff. I wanted a fossil and I didn't care how much it cost me.
So, we pulled off the interstate at the sign that said it was five miles away. We drove through eight or ten turns until we came to this lake.

 The "National Monument" was a stone column with a informational placard. And that was it....the "monument" could have fit in the bed of my truck.
It said that for millions of years the valley had a river and when animals reached their demise in the river they were swept up on a sand bar where it would be covered with more silt. Then 15,000 years ago, a mere blink of an eye in geological terms, a great flood ripped down the valley flinging giant boulders all over the valley floor...

The flood also bared the huge "stack" of now petrified animals from that sand bar.

This whole fiasco was a huge disappointment. No shop. No fossils. No nothing.
So, realizing we would never remember how to get back to the interstate, my wife entered it in Garmin, which took us on a 50...or 500, I forget which...mile excursion down dirt roads that I thought would never end.

We did drive by a line of wind turbines that were only 100 yards off the road. They are very, very big.
I stopped and tagged it. While at work on my handiwork, one of the motors that rotate the blades into the wind activated. It sounded just like those contraptions in War of the World with Tom Cruise...and that's true. It was disturbingly loud...like my wife in the throes of passion.

 The only good thing to come from our one...or five...sixteen hour excursion off interstate was that it afforded me the opportunity to tag shit.

In case you're interested...

Before I attach a utensil, I always put it down my pants and rub it against my balls for a few minutes. That way if some shithead comes along and takes it home with them, I will have the last laugh.

So, on we drove, and drove, and drove and drove on a dirt road that was getting progressively narrower. Then Garmin told us, "Turn left in 32 miles." I freaked. My wife accused me of "being a big baby". I left teeth marks in the steering wheel.

 Then we turned and saw this. I said, "If my fork is tagged to that fence, it's time to call Rod Serling...

It wasn't and I didn't.

 After I had nearly run a full tank of gas out of the truck, I came to this...

 ...and tagged my little antlers I "acquired"...

 Game Crossing. All I could think of while working was a giant chess knight hopping across the road in that drunken stagger it has to do. Or a herd of Parcheesi pieces, or a cricket bat floating across like Marty McFly's skateboard.
In case you're interested...

You remember the crossing guards...the trench covered with pipes to keep the cattle off the interstate? Well, people in Utah are smart. They must have discovered that you actually didn't need "real" pipes, but a facsimile that looked like the real thing. Cattle aren't that smart, obviously. So they just painted that motherfucker on the asphalt!!

And I think that is cool as fucking shit.

I pulled into a gas station in the middle of nowhere and a teenage girl walked up to my truck, and through the open window said, "What would you like?"

I said, "We just stopped for some gas and a bag of ice."

She said, "What kind of gas would you like?"

At this point I looked over at my wife thinking she had a handle on what this was about. She shrugged.

I said, "Am I supposed to pay inside or something."

She, "Sure, if you want. Tell me what kind of gas you want and I will pump it for you."

I did and she did.

When we came out, she was washing the windshield. I thanked her and tipped her $2.

As I drove off, I did the math. She could easily do that 40 times an hour, and that is $80 an hour...not bad work if you can find it.

By the way, washing windshields is a necessity around here. Some of these bug are as big as hummingbirds and within a couple of hours you can barely see where you're going.

My wife reminded me of a story I forgot to relate. In Pendleton, we ate at a very nice restaurant ($24 steak) that was housed in an old bank building built in the 1880's. It was very large and each detail was crafted to perfection...down to the solid oak real paneling. So I asked the waitress, Where does all the money come from?

She began to tell me about the $2M it cost to refurbish the building and I stopped her with, "No. I mean, what generates the wealth in this town to warrant such a restaurant?"

She said, "Well, we got the flour mill......and the prison."

Obviously wealth is a relative term.

Let's discuss some physics. I had a triathlon competitor who told me that to go from, say, 20mph on a bike to 25 does not require 25% more energy. It takes like twice or three times the energy. I think that's the way it is with my truck on the interstate. On the back roads we travel 60. On a 75mph max interstate we go 80. Ergo, I'm using a shitload more gasoline.

Oh, need more proof my wife is trying to drive me crazy? During our whole Twilight Zone fossil hunt ordeal, she wore this...

There's a real good prostitution joke in there somewhere.

AND NOW YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULE, THOUGH ABBREVIATED, ANTI-SERMON

 Why, exactly, does it need a meaning?

Religion in a nutshell...

Well, of course they would...

(this is true)

 Then he finishes up with taking the lord's name in vain.

I've asked many people if they pray. When they say Yes, I ask if any of them came true and if confirmed I ask why none of the prayers of an amputee have ever been answered. 

But, fuck the amputees.