FOLIO OLIO: ADVENTURER’S LOG: EARTH CYCLE TWO

ELIZABETHVILLE, TENNESSEE

I was more than a little relieved to discover that on this trip my wife has given no indication that she is planning my demise. However, I am now convinced that she is trying to drive me insane...maybe for some insurance money from a policy I am not aware.
Let me site some examples:
> She insist that the motel rooms be keep meat locker cold. Her stated comfort level is her seeing my frosted breath during one of my many diatribes on the subject, because ( I quote) "It makes me giggle".
> While I'm taking my nap, she always takes it as an opportunity to "check the door". Checking the door involves going outside, using the key to re-enter, necessitating direct sunlight to turn my eyelids that sickening red-orange that one could only imagine would be the last thing a burning man experiences, and then repeating that process six or seven time "just to make sure" the key works.
> She takes my lighter and always insists...INSISTS...that it is hers, leaving me to ask permission every time I want a smoke. And every fucking time she plays the "What's the magic word" game, then when I say "Please" she says, "I can't heeeeear youuuuu" and I have to repeat it louder.....some times real, real loud.
>Then this afternoon, despite a huge atlas and a roadmap AND A GPS, she had me drive 100 miles in the exact opposite direction we had planned to go. (THAT'S FUCKING TRUE) When I....complained, she said, "It's only a 100 miles" in that high pitch whine of a voice she knows drives me up the wall.
> The first night of the trip my wife said, "Cheap motel rooms always make me horny." I made the mistake of asking why. She then began to count on her fingers and recite the names of the motel, city, and boy she was with.....IN CHRONOLOGICAL ORDER! If there was anything particularly kinky about the experience, she remembered that shit by heart and related it to me in disgusting detail. She ranted on for two and a half hours last night and she's only up to the 9th grade. That kind of shit will drive any husband crazy.....and she knows it!

With the help of copious amounts of Bud Light, I am holding my own and will be sure to give you updates concerning her diabolical plot. I'll try to write more when my hands thaw out.

While I drive I look for any appropriate place to install my first new art thingy. Again today I saw none, and am starting to think I'm just too damn picky.

As for raining, people say it has rained everyday for 16 days. In some towns the storm drains are gushing up out of the manhole covers. And you ought to see the rivers...ALL of them.

Tonight we went to a crowded steak house to eat. I had a filet mignon smothered in ordinary brown gravy just to piss my wife off. When we were half way through with our meal, she looked around and whispered an observation, "I'm the smallest grown woman in the restaurant." I gasped, "Now that's sayin' something'!" She didn't find it near as funny as I did.

My wife knows a whole bunch about such things...

Owning a string of consignment shops, she has to know how to pick out a fake from a real expensive designer bag. But think about that. If it takes an expert to tell the difference, then what the fuck is the difference for your (the owner's) purse. So you pay 100 times more than the purse is worth just so all your friends can see that huge logo (which screams "I have more money than you!), but if it's an (almost) identical replica of the real McCoy, then it is considered contemptible. I don't get it. It's not like it has the master's hands on it....they were made by underpaid children just like everything we buy.

What happens if you bite the zombie?

SWEET FUCKING JESUS....try NOT thinking about this the next time you have one of these tests....

No one has ever heard about the perfect crime, cause it was perfect.

The gloves Lincoln was wearing at Ford's Theater with blood stains on cuff...

She just wanted to feel her toes in the grass one last time...

Few children have Attention Deficit Disorder. They have What You Are Saying Is Boring The Shit Out Of Me Disorder.

The last thing many rodents see...

X-ray of Hitler's skull...

If they have magic that can regrow bones in an arm overnight, then why is Harry Potter still wearing glasses?

????

Maybe it swings both ways?

If someone is standing in front of me in line at Subway's and can't decide what they want within, say, 90 seconds, then I should be allowed to kill them without repercussions.

All things Canadian...look closely...

Yeah, if everybody could stop spying on, stealing from, raping, murdering, molesting and oppressing each other, that'd be just fine with me.

Why would the US have two carriers in reserve, yet be building three more?

My first invention was the Ta-Ta tube, age four...

Today they shout "terrorism" the same way they used to shout "witchcraft".

I've had sex with a woman that was so good that afterwards she needed an asthma inhaler even though she wasn't asthmatic.

And probably at the lowest wage possible.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present the hammock bathtub...

Life is a shipwreck. But we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats. - Voltaire

"In 14 years of trying to become the greatest Pokemon Master, I have still never gotten past the semi-finals of the Pokemon League," said no man to me ever.

Looks like Johnny Carson, don't it...

How the hell do mermaids have babies?
(sea-sections?)

That is one of the reasons I was thrilled to get a golf cart with turn signals.

In the "Give your kid a hug" department...

It must suck to shoot off a flare from a sinking ship on the 4th of July.

Morning wood? You mean my wife's alarm clock.

What to do if you have a gun to your head...

...write that shit down.

For my nephew, Scott......

Speaking of...

Do you know how embarrassing it was to discover that a brothel was not just another name for a soup kitchen?

When the zombie apocalypse finally happens, I'm going straight to the graveyard to play the most awesome game of Whack-A-Mole ever.

You never hear of anyone being slathered to death.

Not sure if my wife is leaving me over my poker addiction or if she's just bluffing.

All our emotions will soon be medicated.

I like coincidences. I made a note of a bar fight in which an innocent bystander was seriously injured, but didn't bother because the visuals were hard to explain....then I came across this image...

In the '60's I hung out at a late night bar that always had a great band. We always brought the liquor and would share the bottle with the band when they took a break in the parking lot.
One night a group of black men came in (very, very rare) and it pissed some of the rednecks off. When the band took their break, me and my friend were sharing a bottle with the band when the black men left.
As they drove away, one of the redder rednecks threw a beer bottle at their car and miraculously hit it. The car stopped, the driver charged out and ran back to the crowd. All non-perpertrators simply backed up, leaving the idiot isolated and alone. The black guy proceeded to kick is ass all over the parking lot....which brings me to the point of this whole blathering.
A young man was sitting on a wall on the side of the parking lot smoking and minding his own business. On the other side of the wall there was a ramp that led down to the basement and as the fighting men tumbled over the hood of a car, they knocked the innocent man backwards over the wall and down onto the concrete ramp.
The image above is almost identical to what we saw when we looked down at the poor bastard.
It's almost uncanny.

You want to paint graffiti? Then do something that makes so statement....even if I don't agree...