MONDAY #1969

LET'S TALK SERIOUSLY...
Guys, my blog hits are going off the charts. I have no idea why. I told my wife that I am starting to take my responsibility to produce very seriously, and I'm not sure I like that. She told me to get the fuck over it and get back to work, which made it okay again.
Don't get me wrong, I love the attention....but I hate the responsibility of satisfying a whole bunch of people I've never met every day. I will do my very best to continue to give you something worthwhile every day, but some days there has to be a dud. Thank you for your understanding.
Like this high quality entertainment...

Doctors mocked an unconscious colonoscopy patient, joking that he has syphilis and talking about firing a gun up his rectum, says a man from Fairfax, Virginia, whose cellphone allegedly captured audio of the entire affair. Plaintiff D.B. is suing Safe Sedation LLC and Safe Sedation Management in Fairfax County Court, alleging defamation and infliction of emotional distress. "On April 18, 2013, during a colonoscopy, plaintiff was verbally brutalized and defamed by the very doctors to whom he entrusted his life while under anesthesia," the complaint states. D.B. claims that Drs. Tiffany Ingham and Soloman Shah, who are not named as defendants, mocked him from the second the anesthesia kicked in. D.B. claims he had inadvertently left his phone in the room, set to record, having neglected to turn it off after recording instructions for post-operative care. 

Sunday afternoon I was having trouble getting served at my favorite bar while watching my Gamecocks kicking Alabama's ass in baseball. Finally I went down the bar to find out what was so important that she was giving so much attention to on her IPad and found she was playing a game about a bartender delivering drinks quickly.
I swear that is true.
This is not the exact bartender, but it's close...

Dyed hair, fake tan (with that little white heart on one of her boobs), and jeans so tight I could read her credit card in her pocket...hers expires 5/15. She wears a pink T-shirt with a bold PINK on the front.

Have you ever smelled your underwear to see if you could wear them again?

Worth a repost...

An easy way to make a salad taste better is to add nuts, fruit, or an entire Chipotle burrito.

Been there, done that...

I was masturbating to an old National Geographic Magazine the other day, and I don’t know who was more embarrassed, me or my dental hygenist.

When I started to put on my pants this morning, a moth flew out. I felt like the universe just made a joke about the state of my sex life.

This is not all that funny, but I like this cartoon because of the facial expressions...

I wrote a book one time about a man who finds a memory chip on the beach with the aid of a metal detector...

The man was a frustrated writer and when he cleaned the sand out of the thing, there was a novel about a gruesome murder written by a guy who had committed suicide on that very beach. So the guy begins to research the book and finds out that it's not a novel, but true facts.

I never finished that book.

I’ve been straight all my life, but every time I eat a banana I practice deepthroating it in case I ever go to prison where my life might depend on me being able to give a good blowjob.

I'm a Stones man myself...

It’s nice to think of animals being able to talk. I even know the first thing my dog would say…”Where are my balls, Ralph?”

Speaking of...

That fucker means business.

Think the instructions she was given by the photographer...

First time I've seen the ending for this...

 You can't make shit like that up.

 OOMVO...

Death masks...

Local News Broadcast: Moderately attractive people tell us stories we learned on the Internet 7 hours ago.

What if humans had cheat codes like games. Like, jump 14 times, then punch + kick….then you could walk on water or some such shit.

What if the Mayan Calendar ends in 5105 and we’ve just been holding it upside down?

(that gag almost didn't make the cut)

This is the woman you should teach you daughter to model after...

How was it that an entire culture was convinced that a natural woman's look was to be deemed hideous? Who makes those decisions? Well, the people that sell all the products to remove the blight. And almost all of you fell for it.

During an infrequent bout of self-improvement I signed up for word of the day.

 Maledictory, an adjective that describes me perfectly.

I used to wonder how the Titanic could go full steam into an area known for icebergs. Now that I have worked for the government, the answer is obvious.

Sometimes when I'm having sex with the wife, I picture Senator Lindsey Graham in my head so I last longer. Sometimes I think about him for too long, lose my erection and she has to get me going again.
She's a very patient woman.

OOMVO...

Saying I have a drinking problem is like saying Picasso had a painting problem. It's not a problem if you're the best at it.

Just sayin'.....

Some HIV positive men in Africa believe the only way to cure it is to have sex with a virgin, and this leads some to rape baby girls. I'd love to know what else is on their bucket list.

Call me old fashion, but I think shorts should be longer than your vagina.

You know how I love charts...

How very, very beautiful...

I take great pleasure in farting in metal mesh patio furniture.

Dear Ladies,
If you think your man is cheating, drive him to in front of that bitch's house and see if his WiFi connects.
You're welcome.

Dear Young Men,
After sex, never ever say to a woman, "Wow, you're so easy."

WTF???

When my wife was out of town one time, I ran out of clean cereal bowls, so I just lined a dirty one with aluminum foil and used it....four times.

A suit brought by four Muslim-American men with no criminal records asserts that the FBI put them on the no-fly list in order to pressure them to inform on their communities. Brooklynite Awais Sajjad, one of the plaintiffs, says that he was denied boarding for a flight to visit his sickly grandmother in Pakistan in 2012, and that subsequently, the FBI told him they would remove him from the no-fly list only if he worked as an FBI informant. Sajjad's has tried all the official means of getting himself removed from the no-fly list, without any success.

Before you say something like "If they are Muslims then it serves them right," remember that these people are Americans....just like you and I.