TAKE MY WIFE......PLEASE.

( A WHOLE POST ABOUT MY WIFE )

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"When I saw you I fell in love, and you smiled because you knew." William Shakespeare

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"No matter how serious life gets, you still gotta have that one person you can be completely stupid with."

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When I met my wife she was dating a Ob/Gyn who drove a red Ferrari, but she chose me. I feel uncharacteristically smug about that.  But, guys, wouldn't you? 

She let me know right off that she had done some nude modeling....and I was cool with that.

 She was a 70's hippy and did what every 70's hippy did. I had to spend a lot of time explaining to her that Bluegrass was not a new strain of pot.

I wanted to tell her a joke and I said, "Knock, knock", and she just looked at me.  I said, "Well?" and she said, "Well, what". I said, "You are supposed to ask me "Who's there?" and she said, "Why?"

This is not about my wife...;).....but a woman once dropped some acid and got on the "It's a Small World" ride at Disney World and it broke down half way through and she had to sit there tripping her brains out while those little creatures sang the same song over and over and over and over and over and over again.  I heard that it was the last time she dropped acid.

My wife bought a new fax machine for her store and called me on the phone to ask me to fax her a message to test it.  So I wrote out a quick message and sent it.  She called me back and said, "You used the same paper I used!"

 But she bragged about being able to to hitchhike anywhere she wanted to go. I guess she just had the knack.

 She loves the Beatles and so do I. "Hey, Jude" is.....well, it's "Hey, Jude."

 She never gave up on the whole peace thing. She has a bumper sticker with this message on her car.

 She never gave up on the whole peace thing. She has a bumper sticker with this message on her car.

 But her raw nerve is for women in need.  I mean that.  I won't get into the pride I have for her efforts for the vets in need, and the women in need....but just by being married to her it makes me feel better about myself.

 Did I mention that her speech selection could make a sailor blush?

The other day I was trying to tell a sexist joke to my wife. I set the joke up by telling her my sister had recently called me a misogynist and I had responded to my sister by saying, "Now how'd a little lady like yourself learn a big word like 'misogynist'?" Expecting some form of an, “Oh my gosh please" reaction from my wife, she just stared at me. Finally she asks "Wait, what does misogynist mean?"

We don't have a house like everyone else's.

I was so proud of her right after we moved into our house and there wasn't enough room in the dining room for a 4x8 table I had made.  She said, "We'll just put in in there", and pointed to the living room. I said, "But that's the living room," and she said, "It's our fucking house and we can call it whatever the fuck we want." Yeah, she's that cool.

Once my wife brought a cake to the American Legion for a Gamecock football game. I knew that no one eats cake during a football game and that every woman stills brings one and that all ten of them would just sit there, so I said, "Honey, you might want to ask me before you bring food into the Legion."
Without even drawing a breath this woman said, "I'm not asking you shit."
And I said, "Okay, then."

I like it very much that my wife makes as much money as I do...considering I am one lazy bastard...

One Christmas I gave my wife a vibrator from hell....top of the line...powerful, quiet, bio-whatever.  Well, it wasn't long before she started using it at restaurants and movies and places like that. She really liked that vibrator.  So, I stole it, and placed a note in the drawer from Santa, who said that he visited her house again in the middle of the night and stole the gift. Santa stated that he had changed the terms of the agreement and listed the acceptable locations for playing with the toy and all ended peacefully.

Only once did my wife ask me about clothing. She held up a blue and a green earring and asked which one I liked and I said the blue one.  She immediately (with me watching) put on the green one and now I just don't play that game anymore.

 My wife doesn't have a "look".  My wife has a "tongue", which is not nearly as ambiguous. But from time to time she could win a staring contest with the Mona Lisa.

My wife used to have the body of a Greek Goddess....now she just looks like a Greek.
She has noticed how I like sharing pictures of painted women in my emails and blog, so she asked me to paint her.  Here is what I came up with and, if I have to say so myself, I just about nailed it.

 While I was creating that pumpkin butt, I got to thinking about the potential...ah..... problems, so I bought her one of these and she was very grateful.

Believe it or not, my wife knows much more about computers than I do, but I have still seen her do this....

She has been trying to quit smoking for as long as I have and finally I found a product that is guaranteed to wean her off the habit....

My wife and I are in total agreement as to sexual stuff.  I beg her for sex and she likes me to beg for sex.

Two terms I like you to remember often: "Chocolate syrup" and ""Peach orchard".  Oh, yeah. The term "What if somebody sees us?" has never come out of her mouth.  It has come out of my mouth from time to time.

My wife and I took an extended tour of America recently. I insisted on driving. She protested by proclaiming, "I've never had an accident," and I replied, "You are the luckiest driver in the western hemisphere."

We had 50 pounds of maps and a GPS and she still managed to get us lost....but I promised not to mention that to anyone. Once the GPS announced that we had lost the signal and my wife said that it was because there were no towers nearby.

This is the same woman who thought Alaska was an island and was further amazed that she could see the moon from there. Go figure.

I should have collaborated with Ms. Price on this book. I spent the night in towns that would embarrass tent preachers...but at least the motel had a pool...for my wife.

One night was particularly frightening for me.  I could dig the lesbians, but the LSD made me a bit queasy....I still don't know how the press got nose of it.

Once my wife asked if I would like to try a little bondage. I said, "Sure, it could be fun." But then I discovered that it wasn't about sex. She just left me there. She brought me food from time to time, but nothing I liked, and she knew it.

Once during sex I swatted my wife on the ass and afterwards she said that she found it "Distracting."  Distracting? I was afraid to ask her what she meant by that.

But there is something that can't be argued...

 ...she has great taste in men.

And the most amazing part...I let my wife read this before I posted it and she gave me the okay...lies and all. And that's why I love her more than I ever thought I could love.

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