FOLIO OLIO: OBJECTS

GOOD IDEAS

If someone held a gun to my head and made me get in a canoe, I would like it to be this one...

Muscles are a bit like hippies...you usually find them in pairs around a joint.

This is like the one they took with them to get Osama...

I've noticed that if I don't masturbate regualarly, I begin to make poor choices....not masturbating being one of them.

I predict that within a decade a memory chip will somehow be embedded in our bodies...

Once my daughter swallowed a tooth. I told her that I hoped it didn't come back to bite her in the ass.
She cried...I laughed....but I had been drinking, so the cruelty was allowable.

My daughter wants one of these for her Bugout Bag....

In the future I want to tell my grandchildren that I am older than the internet and blow their fucking minds.
Then I will tell them that I'm old enough to have seen man's first steps on the moon.....live on TV.
I will be like a god to them, cause I will have to explain to them what a TV is.

So, with every kind of hand-held electronic device at our disposal, this is still a good idea to remind you of really, really important shit...

Every time you play Hangman, a stickman family is left without a father.
Well, that's true if you lose. If you win he is just a father missing a whole bunch of limbs.....but I haven't actually read the rules, so I'm still iffy on this one.

These are pretty cheap. I'm thinking any circumstance where people find themselves in danger of being in the water (cruise ships, rafting, canoeing, etc) these should be available if not worn...

Don't drown the man who taught you to swim.
(that has nothing to do with swimming...it's what we bloggers call MO-TI-VA-TION-AL statements)

If you ever have young people staying at your house, make them one of these....they will love you for it...

If I were able to live my life again, I would try to make more mistakes.
I mean, here I call myself a freethinker and I've only been in jail once....ONCE! I'm better than that!

Hell, yeah!

You never realize how much you like someone until you watch them spontaneously combust. It's a sad, sad thing...especially the first few moments what with all the screaming and thrashing and shit.

I find this so much more beautiful than the new shit coming out today....

Dear Cheerleaders,
Anything that involves putting makeup on beforehand cannot be considered a sport.
Unless you are Danica Patrick, then all bets are off.

It was stated that this man got these as change the other day. If you don't know about old quarters, you might want to Google it...and dimes. I got bag after bag of them.

THE SOLUTION TO HUNGER AND OVERPOPULATION IS CANNIBALISM.
(who could possibly come up with a logical argument against that?)
[I might add solving the obesity problem. The fat ones would be the first to go...more body weight AND they are slower.....and think of the tallow]

Wouldn't it be cool if you and your roommate or spouse worked different schedules and you could have an ongoing game using this....

Dear Santa,
This year please give me a big fat bank account and a slim body. And please don't fucking mix those two up like you did last year.

Brilliant!!!

"Censorship is telling a man he can't have a steak just because a baby can't chew it."
Mark Twain
(I have no idea if Twain actually said that, but I hope he did)

These are probably cinnamon rolls, but listen up and you will get the idea. My mom used to roll out the biscuit dough, then take a little bit of sausage and mash it between her fingers to about the size of a quarter. Then she would place a layer of the sausage on the biscuit dough, then roll it all up and slice it; creating something that looked very much like this before cooking. THEY WERE GREAT!!!

Crossword Clue: A handful of diamonds
_ _ _ _ _
[ FLUSH ]

If you ever want to enlarge letters for signage, just print off each letter as large as you want and tape them all together. Then perforate alone the edge, tape it to the wall and spray paint through the holes.....cheap stencil. You can do faces and shit too. I've done it a thousand times. There is even a word for it... pouncing, and it was given to us by god, so respect it.

I don't insult people.
I describe people.

THINGS OF DUBIOUS MERIT

You do this just once and that wife of yours won't let your ass near the stove again...

English syntax can be fun.
"Lindsey told Jessica that she has cancer."
Who has cancer?

Speaking of English: Can you imagine trying to learn a language where "Take a shit" and "Give a shit" have nothing whatsoever to do with one another?

"So, mommy, is that the best way to give a hand job?"

"No, honey. The best way is to use your mouth."

Marajuana is never a solution...unless you steep it in water to make tea, then don't make any plans for the afternoon.

So, what do you do with your wrecked Ferrari?

You have it mashed into a small block...

And make a coffee table out of it...

Before we got married, my wife swore to me that she would be good in bed after the ceremony. Come to find out she meant she would stay on her side and never steal the covers.

Oh, look, somebody else trying to pry some money from a superstitious person...

I just hate that awkward moment when you are digging a hole for a body and you find another body.

Could this possibly be street-legal?

I'm not lazy. I'm addicted to inertia.

I've never seen a train on fire....after all these years....strange that....

MY STATUS IS NOT QUO!!!

.....how.......?
"No, you fool, you dip the round end! But put it in the box anyway."

Football + TV + Beer = Pure Fucking Bliss

Look, bitch, THAT AIN'T DAD!!!! IT'S JUST A BUNCH OF FUCKING ASHES!!!!

The last time people thought that the person actually lived in the dead body, they were called Pharaohs, so shut the fuck up with the greedy ass guilt trip thing...

In China, does everything say "Made Right Here"?

?????

TRUE: No one saw the possible problem with the word "despite" in this headline:
"GUN CRIME CONTINUES TO DECREASE, DESPITE INCREASE IN GUN SALES".

I have painted miles and miles of fake bricks and was actually impressed with this. Then I got to thinking...

That stucco shit don't fall off a wall in neat round circles...

Not ony that, but the above sort of looks like a duck.

TRUE: Someone in Congress actually asked how an Amtrak employee with a salary of $21,000 could make $148,000 in overtime.

A Spaniard, an Italian, and a Greek go into a bar and drink til dawn. Why pays? A German.

Talk about your over-protective parents...

Ghetto word of the day: Omelet.
Example: I shoulda slapped da fuck outta yo ass but omelet yo ass slide dis time.

I remember one time....oh....never mind....

People who think they know everything annoy those of us who do.

??????

Just some guy trying to put a smile on the face of another guy waiting on a bus.....why the fuck not?

His family must be proud.......
"Not every little boy grows up to have his own dildo."

Just another reason I'm going straight to hell....

HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAAHAHA!!!!

I came upon a bunch of coupons like this from a local company. When you folded the ones I had, they looked just like $100 bills. When no one was looking, I dropped one on the sidewalk, then I sat at a nearby outside cafe and pretended to do a crossword with my sunglasses on so I could watch them without them knowing.
Afterwards I felt kind of bad to watch those people go so high, only to be slammed down so fast. But I learned a whole bunch of new curse words.