TELLURIAN EXPRESSIONS

Sometimes I find myself planning prison into my future.

This is my young friend Ethan. I taught him from first to fifth grade. He made it back to meet his new baby, now he's due to return to Afghanistan....

When I first saw this child I laughed due to his resemblance to you-know-who....

(I know, I know...I'm going straight to hell...)


Good: You make out with a hot girl.
Bad: She has a penis.
Worse: It's bigger than yours.


I actually like the show, but my wife gets tired of me pointing out the inconsistencies....

What if the first person who ate poison berries was just allergic, and we're missing out on a delicious berry?


Even the Chinese fuck with the black man....

Rape is such a harsh word.
I prefer struggle snuggle.


Do. Not. Go. Home. With. This. Woman.

Let's play carpenter.
First, we get hammered, then I'll nail you.

Hey, Banksy, you get caught you get a misdemeanor.

She gets caught she will die.

Just sayin'.

Declaring "I'm offended" is admitting to the world that you can't control your own emotions, so everyone else must do it for you.


I have no idea what the "deeper meaning" of this is....

Rock isn't dead.
It's just taking a well deserved rest.
Anyway, we still have paper and scissors.

TRUE: An old friend dropped by my favorite bar today and said, "I've been checking out some great porn films from the library."
After I asked him to repeat that astounding news, I said, "Why would you go to the library?"
"They have a great selection and I like porn films."
I said, "Fuck, man, everybody likes that shit, but don't you have a fucking computer?"
He said, "Yeah, but the library's is free."
After exchanging unbelieving glances with my bartender, I asked, "Have you never heard of Pornhub?"
My friend said, "Of course, you idiot. I said FOREIGN films!"


??????  "Y U no dance?"

They call her Big Toe, cause she got banged on every piece of furniture in the frat house.

Their first trip to the Japanese restaurant....

Imagine a world where dogs took bad owners to the pound.

What do you think is in their pipes?

It must be an awkward moment when a GPS tells a gay person to go straight.

Another case where no paternity test is needed...

Don't have sex on an elevator...it's wrong on so many levels.


"Fuck authority!"

What if it really is pronounced Levi-ooh-sah?

 By the way, the rings don't stretch her neck, but grotesquely distorts her clavicle.

It was so quiet today that I could actually hear myself not working.


Okay, now it's time for a paternity test....

Oedipus: The original motherfucker.

Don't feel bad about getting old. They say you are only as old as you feel. So when you get so old that you can't feel yourself crapping your own pants, you're really as young as they come.

 (that was one of my very own)

Why is scratching your head the universal sign of confusion?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAH!!!!


Most Germans own a second property.
It's called Greece.


Look, ya'll, somebody just grabbed Bill's dick....

TRUE: Last night after my mid-night pee, I crawled back in bed, reached over to touch my wife and found out she was completely naked.
I gasped and said, "Why the fuck are you naked?!"
Half asleep she said, "Don't ask."
And I didn't.
But I did still think about it.......a lot.


Ever wonder why baseball players wear helmets?

"You get more with a kind word and a gun, than just a kind word."
- Al Capone

If only all of us could do our jobs as well as this man does his.....

I never thought that the book "1984" was an instruction manual.

This is a pretty good fucking argument against cloning...

NIETZSCHE WAS PIETZSCHE

If you laid every elephant in the world end to end into space toward the moon, all the elephants would die.

Let's remember him the way his was...shall we....

No one is taller than the last man standing.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH!!!!!


My goal in life is to be so rich that I can use "summer" as a verb.




All of us have an uncle like this, don't we...

When someone makes a statement like this, we all pray that no one asks any questions...

The man who created "Knock, Knock" jokes deserves a "no-bell" prize.

If you are going to get in trouble for hitting someone, you might as well hit them hard.

If you don't know who your father is, anyone could be your sister.

Hell hath no fury like an afterthought-creature-made-out-of-her-future-mate's-chest-bone scorned.

Exercise may not kill you, but why take the chance.

TRUE:  Only 55% of all Americans know the sun is a star.

TOONS TO AMUSE...

ONE OF MY VERY OWN....

A NAKED WOMAN ON A WELL LIT ESCALATOR....

Sex is like math: You add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs and pray you don't multiply.