THURSDAY #1407

Happy 2013th birthday America!!

First down my ass!!!

Coach Spurrier went completely nuts!

My friend spent the holidays around all of his nephews and nieces...he was in favor of aerial spraying of Ritalin.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the fire department usually uses water.

Work is for people who don't drink beer.

What are the fucking chances....

If you haven't said, "If we get caught, here's the story..." in a long time, then you must be some boring ass motherfucker.

If I were a long dead sex idol, I would look like this...

I love taking long walks on the beach with my wife, until the LSD wears off and I realize I'm nine fucking miles from our house.....fuck.

Why so serious...

Oh, yeah, they think about that shit...

Global warming could've probably saved the Titanic if we'd gotten our shit together and started burning fossil fuels 100 years earlier.

I am very nervous about 2013, because 2+0+1+3 = 6, and do you know how many nipples Hitler would have if he had 4 more. That's right...6!

Fungi are more closely related to animals than to plants.

You've got to wonder which one of these motherfuckers want's to be at that exact spot least....

I loved this truck...

 ...it was like driving a fucking tank. 

Why is it that I have to point my remote exactly at the box to change channels, but then it will do the same thing if I sit on it under a fucking pillow?

There was a guy on Family Feud who was asked "Name a job that is dirty, but someone has to do it."
He blurted, "Gynecologist."

In 2012 dollars...

New studies show that heavy drinkers experience damage to the part of their brain that processes emotion, which, if I'm not mistaken, is the whole fucking point.

What professions have the most and the least psychopaths?

 Japs are really, really into farting....

Three of my letters to the editor....

OOMVO...

Tonight I emptied my saved email files and thought I would share this one more time before it disappeared...

No, Virginia, there are stupid questions.

One of my little assemblages...

I take it as a personal challenge when I'm looking at porn and the "low battery" light comes on.


OOMVO...

I strongly advise you to wait until the Salmonella outbreak is under control before even considering having a dog lick peanut butter off your balls.

Americans do not like being told what to do...

I told my wife, "I have a lot I want to accomplish this year."
She said, "To sit on your ass, fuck around on the computer and get fatter."
I said, "Noooooo.......just the first two."


OOMVO...

Camo....hell ya!!

Somebody ought to come up with fabric softener in pens, since you know they are, sooner or later, going to end up in the laundry.

What do the next few things have in common?

 Keys.

After the holidays, I gave my liver the Worker of the Month Award.

These are the lands of the indians when the white man got here.

 I just wonder how many millions of indians died taking over neighboring land and/or protecting their own from other more greedy tribes.

Those are some very beautiful knots...I mean that...

Don't take Mom out of Mother's Day.

Fuck bras....

OOMVO...

I love hearing those four magic words....Your prescriptions are ready.

(that's Brian May of Queen)

Laughter is the best medicine....except for treating diarrhea.