MONDAY #1440

A friend: "My father was in prison for five years and never took a shower."
Me: "Afraid of getting raped?"
He: "No. He was too busy being raped."

Thylacine has been extinct for 80 years...

It's not hard to do the right thing.
It's hard to know what the right thing is.
Once you know the right thing to do, it's hard not to do it.

He's called a wingman and this is why he's important...

Everything that people tell you you shouldn't do is probably worth doing.

I think there are some cancers I would rather kill me than others. I wouldn't want awful sounding cancers, like colon, intestine, bladder, etc. They are just gross.
If I had my choice I would want cancer of the hypothalamus. It's always been my favorite part of the body. 
Then when my wife told people that I died of cancer of the hypothalamus, they would either have to ask "What's that" or they would have to look it up.
My bet is that they would look it up, not wanting to appear unschooled.

Wait for it....

Get ready. In 2017, Google is coming out with a car that drives itself. That's the same year there will be a total solar eclipse in my city. I just hope that doesn't fuck up the GPS on the cars.

My daughter cut off the pad of her fucking finger...

 I see your finger pad and raise you my friend's car key...

"Everyone is guilty of all the good they did not do."
- Voltaire

But for their voices, the white herons would be lost in the morning snow.

Oh. My. God.

TWO WORDS: Amtrak and Postal Service. Think about it.

This is a button in a real elevator. It was stated that very, very few people push it...

There is a very racist joke in here some place...

Damn Mexico!!! I mean DAMN!!!

Speaking of taking a shit....a friend told me that he uses scales to weigh himself before taking a shit and again afterwards to see how heavy his shit was.
What a fucking loser. I just shit right on the scales.


Can you imagine, with 40 highly paid people standing around trying to make a movie, and the only thing you can not do is laugh?

I once heard that a high school gathered all the students in the auditorium to watch the teach/astronaut blast off. When it exploded, some students laughed, and it really, really pissed a lot of people off.
I kind of understand. They KNEW that laughing was strictly forbidden, thus irresistible.

Today I saw a black cat walk under a ladder.
Didn't know what to make of it.

1000 words...

Reminding you of the scientist who proved that the ease at which a person can stand from the floor is directly proportional to their overall health. Points were deducted for placing a hand on the floor or knee, and if you took a step after rising. This girl nailed it...

And as you can see, she looks remarkably fit.

Another 1000 words...

I named my penis The Truth, and like to tell my wife that she can't handle it.

I vowed to spend all the time with my children that my father didn't with me. I think I was successful.

I can see other changes now.
"Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200. Just lay around doing nothing while somebody cleans up your shit and tries to find food you will eat."

Until this moment I would have thought it impossible for a stick figure to look guilty...

Are any of you old enough to remember when newspapers used paper that would "pop" a reverse fold with just the flick of the wrist? If you have no idea what that means, then you are too young...

Life is too short not to orgasm everyday.


I can spot things like this from a block away...

I want to meet the person who talked women into being embarrassed to let their nipples show through their clothing. Why would a person do such a vile thing?

Instead of John, I call my bathroom Rebecca. That way it sounds better when I tell guests I have to go see Rebecca and will be back in a few minutes.

I hardly ever post anything about stupid TV shows, but the wording on this made me smile...

A guy once told me that if a guy wants to be with a girl, he will make it happen, no matter what.
He's doing 25 to life for rape.

The moment George Takai became gay...

What we had to go through to send a girl a picture of our dick when I was young...

 Speaking of...

One of my very own...

 Walken cooler...

I spend my time on the toilet each morning trying to invent new sexual acts that I would do if I had a chance.

So?

I'd like to try this....once...

That this is even necessary pisses me off more than you will ever know...

I am not very star struck by anybody. They all wipe their ass just like me. But I would like to sit around the table while these people were eating their lunch. 

I wonder if John talks about the bat shit crazy religion of his.

Now, this is an herb rack.

Lara, I think you could just screw plastic containers to the wall, then frame (optional), and install a grow light. 

The person who wrote that has never been chased by a really pissed off dog.

Speaking of...

I know they make a shitload of money and all, but the complete lack of privacy must be tough...

I mean that. Every detail of your life is watched and photographed.

I hope he's somebody's daddy and is using this as a reproduction illustration...

A man without facial hair is like a woman with facial hair.

Loneliness is an alien concept to me. I wish I could offer some advice, but...

But it could be a good thing for a person to spend time alone. It gives them an opportunity to discover who they are and to figure out why nobody can stand to be around them.

At first this really did look like two guys being silly, but it's a robot called the Mule and it's on ice and for it to be able to do that is nothing short of remarkable...

OOMVO...

What a wonderful photograph...

I've heard that upnorth they have face men and leg men and ass men. Well, down South we are mostly teeth men. No matter how great the rest of her looks, that gal better have all of her teeth.


Give this one a moment...

Women brag that they can multi-task, even though it has been proven that they fuck all the tasks up when doing so. The other day my wife cooked, updated her Facebook, talked on the phone and clipped her toenails all at the same time. I don't know about the Facebook, phone or nails, but the chicken was so undercooked that a skilled vet could still have saved him.


Why the fuck should I?