TRUE: I had my first "all-nighter" last night. At my age it means I didn't get up to pee until morning.
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My favorite scene...
My favorite scene...and this time I mean it...
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The White House says it surpassed its goal for the people enrolled in Obamacare. It's amazing what you can achieve when you make something mandatory, and fine people if they don't do it, and keep extending the deadline for months.
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Complaining about a problem without proposing a solution is called whining.
I support the separation of church and hate.
Removing a snail's shell doesn't make it faster.
It actually makes it more sluggish.
Not photoshopped...a real coffeehouse in S. Korea...
Anytime a guy insists on hugging me when we meet, I say loud enough to be heard by others, "You smell different when you're awake."
Chinese citizens in polluted city getting whiff of fresh mountain air...
I'm going to be cremated, but if I had a tombstone I would want it to read: Honestly, he brought this on himself.
Seats reserved for cripples, people with small children and people who swallowed a WiFi router...
Brought a guy home with me the other day and was relieved that the wife didn't answer the door naked.
No word on the cost.
I've done a bunch of research on Scientology...
If you think the idea of a talking snake is batshit crazy, you ought to read about what Scientologists believe.
Two of my favorite things - wood and timepieces - all in one...
It was stated that it is accurate.
One of my trusted advisors sent me this from Canada. Believe it or not, the bill is on the honor system. You serve yourself, then mark down how many drinks you consumed and the total you owe...
My bartender asked me if I've ever Googled myself.
I said, "Sure! I Google myself all the time...like when Debbie's not in the mood or I'm alone in a motel room."
My wife says that only strippers shave above the knee.
When I see really skinny people like her, I wonder where they keep their organs.
Bartenders are therapists you can drink with.
How young bulls say "Fuck You!"....
And it's my guess that he talked her into it and will hear about it....for...the...rest...of...his...life.
Humans' treatment of animals is appalling...
Look, I will kill and eat the shit out of an animal. But that's different than locking them up or making them perform for our amusement.
Imminent – destined to happen.
Eminent – person of high rank (eminence)
Immanent – inborn or inherent.
English...go fucking figure.
OOMVO...
I thought that laugh out loud funny, and all I got from you was a little puff of air out of your nostrils.
Guy painted the heads of matches...
...arranged them into a globe...
I wonder if he could get fire insurance on his studio.
Ever seen a huge rivet installed?
Me neither.
I just spent $30 on apples at Whole Foods and then dropped both of them.
Whenever I see someone in camo, I bump into them on purpose and then say, "Sorry. I didn't see you standing there."
Guy takes classic paintings...
And makes detailed 3-D models of them...
This is what believing in your country's exceptionalism will get you...
Have you ever used a credit card as a spoon?
I have stated previously that I believe that poor people, especially the homeless, have made very stupid decisions in their lives. Whether it's having babies with no way to take care of them; taking dangerous drugs; or simply dropping out of school, at least a portion of their impoverishment is self-imposed.
(none of that applies if you are insane....and have the papers to prove it)
(none of that applies if you are insane....and have the papers to prove it)
That does not mean I don't feel sorry for the wretched bastards.
A Russian police tank...
Until you’ve had somebody say to you, “Don’t forget. The
orange wig and the green
rubber nose,” you don’t know what my life is like.
What a surreal image...
This thing is only about a foot long!!
How could such common sense be punished?
It has to do with Bronze Age bullshit...
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