BEING SOUTHERN: YET ANOTHER TUTORIAL #4001

The number one question I've been asked when I tell my Southern friends that I am creating yet another tutorial concerning being Southern is this:

One of the first two things every Southern must come to terms with are these:

1. We have the worst educational system in this country if not in the entire industrialized world.

2. We are poor...which kind of goes hand in hand.

We in the South don't use contractions like "Y'all" and "Young'n" out of laziness, but rather we are all too poor to afford entire words.

It's a known fact - at least to us Southerners - that most normal people simply don't understand what it means to be Southern. Therefore I have created yet another tutorial to teach (re-teach) you everything you need to know about my beloved South.

You see, for centuries we were all farmers. Down here that means you plant seeds in the ground in the Spring, then you sit and watch those seeds grow until late Summer when you harvest the crop then sit around and wait for the next Spring when you can plant some more seed. So that tells you two things: 
1. You don't really have to be all that smart to live down here.
2. You have a hell of a lot of free time on your hands.

Well, let's get started in learning the mores, habits, and oddities of the holy land we call

THE AMERICA SOUTH.

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SOUTHERN WEATHER

The heat is probably the first thing you will notice about the South. Most of the time it feels like one of those huge commercial hairdryers is blowing directly in your face. There have even been poems written about it.

This is what happens when a seat belt left in the sun comes in contact with your human flesh.

It's so hot down here that in the winter we have to make snowmen our own way.

We've all heard Yankees lies about how beautiful the snow is...

Many people call shit like this a winter wonderland, but we call it hell on Earth.

But this is what we Southerners know happens every fucking day Upnorth.

And yes, we do get more than our share of tornadoes.

But they only strike trailer parks so if you live in a non-movable home you are more or less immune.

And even when there aren't official wind speeds to warrant a tornado, we have shit like this happen almost daily.

We call that "A bit windy out today."

Due to our suffocatingly hot weather, we spend most of our free time at the beach, near water...cool water. Here's one of the more interesting documentaries of such a sojourn.

We love our beaches and most of us lost our virginity on one, usually during a family reunion.

But that's a story for the next section.

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SOUTHERN WOMEN

That's not completely true. We don't all dip tobacco products. Most of us smoke tobacco inhaled as far down our lungs as it will go.

Anyway, with so much time on our hands, we can get into extremely complicated relationships.

But unlike most people in developed countries, we really don't give a shit whether that willing vagina has the family crest on it.

I bet that was a hoot!

And everybody who has conducted the changing sexual norms has deduced that we Southerners invented anal sex for a very simple reason.

We aren't any more fond of eyes so far apart that eyeglasses don't fit than anybody else, but sex is sex and, by god, we like it and ain't no societal mores going to deter us.

There's a lot of misinformation about us all fucking all our sisters all the time. We don't do that...all the time. We pick the prettiest one and leave the others for that factory worker who dropped out of high school to go to work at "the mill".

Would this sister make the incest cut?

You be the judge.

But remember, you're the brother who looks like this.

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I'm absolutely certain that this woman is a Southerner.

This is her when she was "with child".

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And it's a known fact that Southern girls like to fight as much as the boys. These girls are scuffling over who called shotgun for the trip to the tanning salon.

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SOUTHERN INNOVATORS

Because we are poor and not very smart, we invent our own solution to cheaply purchased solutions from any Walmart.

Here are various examples of such improvisations.

A smoker made from a file cabinet.

How to get your grandparents to get out of the house.

Nascar headphones adaptation.

We don't throw away anything of potential use.

That's why we have those big ass outbuildings. They are choked full of shit like that waiting for reuse.

Literally, anything that works is brilliant.

And everybody knows our sense of humor is exemplary.

We Southerners see nothing at all strange about this...

When you are poor you do what you gotta do.

We repurpose EVERYTHING.


And if there is one area that we excel in, it's in the disciplining of our children.

A couple of hours of that shit and the little bastard ain't NEVER fucking with your shit again.

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SOUTHERN AUTOMOBILES

We have a lot of two-lane blacktops down South.

And each and every one of them is flanked by miles and miles of kudzu. Kudzu is a vine that was imported from Japan to control erosion and it grows so fast it can outrun all but the fleetest adult.

It is so hot down here, walking just about anywhere is out of the question. Therefore we all have at least one car.

But more importantly, we like to "customize" our vehicles. These modifications may seem...odd to most cultures, but down here we hardly notice anymore.

But this is more the norm...

Most of the modifications we make to our cars increase the speed. We invented NASCAR by running moonshine and it is a point of great cultural pride.

We don't have traffic in the South. It's just not allowed.

If our vehicles ever stop rolling, we go find a cold beer immediately. Usually from the bed of our truck.

And even with all the speeding, we are still very friendly.

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SOUTHERN PASTIMES

We are dog people down here.

At one time or another, all Southerners have tried their hand at exercise.

Most of the time with less than stellar outcomes.

That guy got his degree from an ad in the back of Field and Stream.
His Momma is so proud.

He finally found something much safer

He was practicing fishing. We love fishing down here.

Think about it. You can fish while drinking beer and smoking a cigarette. And they call it a sport!
But down here you must come to terms with the other critters...

Being poor you do what you gotta do.

And we do that even knowing about the alligators!

We like to dance, but not like other people of course.

We kind of make it up as we go.

Southerners love fireworks. My family ends every reunion with a small display.

1937

1956

2018

We still have Drive-in Theaters in the South.

And even though none of us have insurance we still think that down deep we are all daredevils.

But if truth be known, we aren't in that good of shape. We don't exercise all that much.

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SOUTHERN CUISINE

In the South, cooking is almost always done outdoors...no matter what...



We tend to eat the same things over and over and over again and vegetables aren't all that appreciated.

And by the same things I mean barbeque...PORK barbeque.

And that is why we call it a Pig Pickin'.

And almost anything can be converted into a grill...

Some people just like to show off...

Just re-illustrates how fucking lazy we are.
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Our bread of choice is Cathead biscuits.

And boy, do Yankees get confused about that.
It has to do with the SIZE...not the INGREDIENTS!

We also have our own sushi...

YUMMY!

And these we call Texas Twinkies.

Although Texas is not so much Southern as Western.
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SOUTHERN DRINKING

All Southerners drink.
Some with more pizzazz than others...

We Southerners consider all those liquor bottles sitting around our trailer as decor.

Heavy drinkers aren't hard to spot.

Many of our women invent of novel ways to drink.

And what with all the beer-drinking we pee A LOT!

And when we got to go...we go.

And I mean anywhere.

And it starts young...

I got that one out of our wedding album.

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SOUTHERN FIREARMS

We come from a long line of warriors.

And we have a passel of guns.

We all have a shower pistol that we keep in a plastic bag hanging from the cold water knob.

We like taking our Yankee friends out to shoot with us.

It's always hilarious.

Just like our women invent novel ways to drink, we men do the same with our shooting.

If this is our church...

Then the guy who invented this is our pope.

Although it still needs a little tweaking.

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THE END