FOLIO OLIO: I AIN'T IN KANSAS ANY MORE

Whenever you spend every fucking minute of every fucking day with someone you learn things about them and yourself...some things that you never wanted to know.

For instance, every time my wife says she is hungry, I go through some weird appetite couvade and quietly follow her to the nearest restaurant.

Also, I think that my wife is in love with Fergie, the Garmin lady. She seems unable to keep her hands off the bitch for more than a minute or two. The device will be set to our destination, everything is going well, then Debbie pulls her out of her bracket and start caressing her...mashing her button (if you catch my drift). When I ask what she's doing, she always looks a little embarrassed and whispers, "Nothing."

Then there are the books on tape. Almost everyone, when listening to a book, will stop it and predict the outcome. My wife takes a different approach. She stops the book every five minutes with suggestions like these"

"He's going to get bitten by a snake."

"He will fall off that cliff."

"That woman is going to shoot him."

"There is a scorpion in his boot."

"That man is his real father."

Etc, etc, etc.

Then when the man gets mauled by a wolf, she gleefully screams, "SEE, I TOLD YOU HE WAS GOING TO GET BITTEN BY SOMETHING."

I declared a foul. I explained that I have met people before that employ the shotgun approach to forecasting and that it wasn't fair. She nodded her agreement, but we have just started a new book and I will let you know if she is truly reformed.

My wife has all the characteristics of a disciple of heliolatry. From now on we have to find a motel with a pool. When I merely suggested that the basking in the sun may be responsible for her excessive wrinkling, this is the way I felt moments later.

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I didn't know what heliolatry meant until this morning. (couvade I learned yesterday) You see, I have signed up with Word of the Day to email me a new word everyday. I like to use them right away to imprint it on my brain. I learned that from a guy who told me that when you meet someone you should say his name three times as soon as possible and that will imprint it on your brain. For instance:

"Hello, I'm Bob."

"Well, Bob, I'm Ralph, Bob, and I haven't seen you here before, Bob, right, Bob?"

After that it really doesn't matter if I remember their names or not, because they never get near me again.

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We traveled for six hours today and saw NOTHING worth photographing. The best I could do was to take this so that you would know that my illustrations yesterday were absolutely factual.

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We stopped today at the Silver Dollar Cafe/Antique Shop for a burger and BLT to go. While we were waiting I sat at the table near the register where I can only assume the waitress sits prior to the noon rush. On this table was a partially completed jigsaw puzzle and right next to it was a jar of paste....PASTE!?!

There was also an employee scheduling list written in a spiral notebook. Here is the list of employees:

STORMY

MISTI

SANDI

HERY

HONEY

BROTHER

I never got to meet any of them, but if I had I would have told them that it sounded like a list of flavors at an ice cream shop...except for Brother, who was probably only a dishwasher anyway.

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Some of you may already know that I collect stones shaped like hearts...I call them Hearts of Stone. Few of them are perfect, but my collection comes from all over the world and I have many more than are pictured here; some of them as big as your hand.

So far on this trip out west I have found none...nil....nada. I don't know why.

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When I look back on all the screw-ups in my life, I take comfort that none of them cost twenty BILLION dollars to clean up.

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The pitcher for Oklahoma against my Gamecocks in the College World Series is named Bushyhead. I bet he learned how to fight the first 30 minutes of kindergarten.

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Their is something...disquieting about seeing Desmond Tutu on TV wearing one of those silly, huge soccer hats with stuff sticking out of it; so gaudy it would embarrass a New Orleans pimp.

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Just think, if it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching porn on our computers by candle light.

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And now some silliness that people have sent me...

When I mentioned suggestive rock formations, someone came up with this...