SOME DAMN PLACE

So, if you found this huge thing in a town, could you deduce where you were?

Well, Paris, Texas, of course!

We went to another Italian Restaurant tonight. I asked the waitress for a glass of dry white wine and she said, "Oh, I wouldn't know nothing about that. I ain't never drank wine in my whole life."

I but smiled and suggested she ask the people in the kitchen if any of them had tasted wine before and if they had, ask them to get me the least sweetest one. She did and I got a dry white wine.

Now if she had said, "Of course, sir. I will be right back", (like 99% of waitresses in America) then I wouldn't have anything to blog about, now would I?

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My wife called her mother, who is recovering from a stroke. The poor woman said that she had good long term membership, but her short term membership wasn't so good.

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My wife became very angry with me. Here's what happened and you be the judge.

I was driving along thinking about David Bloom, who, in 2003, died after a long airplane flight. It was deduced that he died when a blood clot in his leg made its way to his brain. It was reported that prolonged sitting had caused the blood clot.

As I was thinking about Mr. Bloom we came to an intersection but didn't have time to read the directs on the sign twenty yards back. My wife offered to walk back and look at it, but since I was pulled off in a parking lot, I backed up to within feet of the sign, she got out, read the sign and started back to the truck. When she was within feet of the door, I drove forward, then stopped. Again she got close and I drove forward. This continued until the woman was sprinting along beside the truck screaming obscenities that would have made Rahm Emanuel blush. When she finally was allowed in the truck, the therapeutic benefits of my little exercise was completely lost on her, but as you can plainly see, I did it for her own good.

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Today we traveled on what the map described as Farm Roads. It was beautiful. It is along these roads that you get to see some of the poorest people in America, which in turn makes me feel very fortunate indeed. These people can be divided into two groups.

Group A: People who have every automobile, appliance and piece of farm machinery that they, their father or their grandfather ever owned in their lawn. I contend that such close proximity to rust, decay and obsolescence makes these people very depressed; as evidenced by the scowls they offer passersby.

Group B: These people live in double-wide trailers surrounded by five or six acres of grass. I have NEVER passed one of these without seeing somebody on a riding lawnmower cutting that grass. Even my wife commented on the elderly grandmother straddling a John Deere that costs more than my truck. I couldn't tell if she was scowling or not because it was so hot the poor woman's face was just too swollen to detect facial expression.

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To repeat - you see some things on Farm Roads that you can't find on interstates.

We got to drive through the town of Deadwood, Texas, whose greeting sign read: HOME TO 108 HAPPY SOULS.

I had to turn around to photograph this. Water for sale.

And how do you pay for this water?

You just follow the instructions.

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We are listening to a Robin Cook book with a detailed description of an autopsy, therefore as much as I like BarBQue, I'm going to pass on this one tonight.

My wife couldn't make a phone call, so she went to the motel office to inquire of the coverage area. The young woman said, "Ain't none here, but you might could find it if you drive toward WalMart."

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Now some contribution from readers and some of my very own...

Know what this is?

CENSOR SHIP

I detest censorship. I want MORE books with loads of homicides, genocide, the murder of children, incest, adultery, the stoning of screaming women, crazies trashing synagogues, and of course, enough ordinary sex and lust to make Huge Hefner blush...AND THAT'S JUST THE BIBLE. But if you try and show a woman's breasts, then every Baptist in town would be marching on the library. But those same Baptists have nothing against the story of Lot. Lot (god's good guy) was allowed to flee doomed Sodom with is wife and two daughters. His wife suffered from excessive curiosity and paid the ultimate penalty. Lot made it to a cave with his two daughters, who kept dear old dad drunk long enough for both of them to have sex him. The moral of the story? When you flee a city doomed for destruction, always remember to take enough booze with you to get your father drunk enough to fuck your brains out. So there. This is the holy word of god. But can you imagine how many incest fantasies this fucking story generated and how many sick drunk motherfuckers ACTED ON THOSE FANTASIES?!?!?!

Amen.

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