FOLIO OLIO: MEET ABBY

This, ladies and gentlemen, is the greatest bartender the world has ever known. Her name is Abby and she is my friend.

________________________________________

I am disappointed that the wit of my recent posts has experienced an evanescence since I have returned to my domicile. The fact is I don't lead a very exciting life. Sorry, but the humor seemed to have floated along on a zephyr that I merely followed across the country; recording the things it presented to me.

________________________________________

So, who's the better actor?

(pick one)

____ Sylvester Stallone

____ Wilson, the volley ball in Castaway

________________________________________

I saw a BBQ restaurant with a sign that read:

LET'S TRADE MONEY FOR MEAT

________________________________________

I don't like the lever-type knobs on doors because it is possible for a velociraptor to open them while I sleep. Yeah, I saw the movie, too.

Speaking of door knobs, Debbie and I stayed in a motel that had a plastic key card that all you had to do was wave it in front of the box on the door to open the door.

________________________________________

South Carolina has a law that it is illegal to talk on the phone or text while driving within view of a policeman.

________________________________________

"I once fired.....my boss."

"I once had sex with my teacher....during class."

"I don't always jerk off, but when I do.....I prefer to do so in public."

"I don't always sleep.....but when I do, I prefer your mother's bed."

_______________________________________

This is a recently declassified 1962 photo of the only nuclear detonation in space. Why would they do such a thing you ask?

1. To see if a bomb's radiation would make it harder to see what was up there (like incoming missiles).

2. To see if the explosion would damage nearby objects (I probably could have answered that for them)

3. To see if the Van Allen Belt would move a blast down the bands to an earthly target.

4. To see if a man-made explosion might alter the natural shape of the Earth's magnetic field.

________________________________________

Speaking of problem solving...look at this carefully....BRILLIANT!

________________________________________

LOTTERY: A tax on people who are bad at math.

________________________________________

A man comes running to the doctor shouting and screaming in pain "Please doctor, you've got to help me. I've been stung by a bee." DOCTOR: "Don't worry; I'll put some cream on it." MAN: "You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now." DOCTOR: "No, you don't understand! I'll put some cream on the place you were stung." MAN: "Oh! It happened in the garden where I was sitting under a tree."' DOCTOR: "No, no, you IDIOT! I mean on which part of your body did that bee sting." MAN: "On my finger! The bee stung me on my finger and it really hurts." DOCTOR : "Ok.Which one?" MAN: "How would I know? All bees look the same to me."

________________________________________________

________________________________________

A frail woman with a sweet voice telephoned the hospital and timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help dear. What's the name and room number?"

The woman in her weak tremulous voice said, "Holly Finkel, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me check. …. Oh, good news. Her records say that Holly is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday." The woman said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news!

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Holly your daughter?"

The woman said, "No, I'm Holly Finkel in 302. Nobody around here tells me shit.

________________________________________

Yeah, so what's your hobby, couch boy?

________________________________________

I worked on something like this one time. The trick is to carve the bricks BEFORE you fire them in the kiln.

_________________________________________

Most people would consider this an eyesore and would prefer not to live near to it. I'm very different. I would LOVE to look out my window and see this every day. Further, it would be the first thing I showed visitors.