NORTHERNERS vs YANKEES

Northerners and yankees are as different from one another as Southerners and rednecks.

No matter what someone calls us, all Southerners understand the signage below. We know that we are not welcomed. We could continue down this road, but that brings me to the next image.

If this photo was not taken in the South, then she surely is from the South. Southerners like guns. I have known Southerners to just give guns to people who they discover are unarmed...and that's a fact.

If you are from the north and happen to come down South, there are three words that you need to omit from your vocabulary. They are: "Up north we...". We've all seen how you do thing up north. (see image below) If this were to occur in a Southern city, within an hour there would be 4,000 bass boats there to offer assistance. I spend a lot of time at the American Legion where I live. I'm a bar person. Other Legionaires are table people.

I sit at the bar for several reasons. I like the bartender; I like to be able to get into and out of conversations quickly; and I don't like looking up at people.

The bartender is, by far, the smartest man in the bar, so we can talk about things like my opinion that the speed of light can not be the fastest thing in the universe. I consider it arrogant to think that our mental calculations and relatively primitive instruments could be THAT accurate.

He counters that I am the arrogant one to believe that there is no god....citing the same criteria.

Anyway, I was sitting at the bar when a yankee sat down a few stools over. I knew he was a Yankee when he began to talk loud enough for everyone in the bar to hear him. The northerners I know would never do such a thing. Then the yankee uttered the forbidden words..."Up north we..." I let it slide the first time, but then he said the words again. So I held up my hand and said, "You can not possibly comprehend the intensity of the fuck we don't give for how you do it up north."

He has never uttered the offensive words again.

In the South, we do not stick gum to walls, like this one in Seattle.

I have known Southerners to stick a wad of gum behind their ears during meals, only to be retrieved after dessert.

The foods we eat may be medically irrational, but we like them that way.

TRUE: I just cooked a 1/2 pound of rind bacon, then fried the eggs right down in the grease. You don't know what rind bacon is? Well, you come on down to my house.

I'm an artist. I got all kinds of degrees and everything. And I like the sculpture below. But if you put something like that around here, everybody would think the guy is taking a shit. And that's the truth. _________________________________________________________

Let's do a little comparison...

THE WAY THEY DO IT IN RUSSIA

THE WAY WE DO IT IN AMERICA

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I like "normal" people doing clever things. I would buy this girl a beer. But when the down and out can bring a whole new angle to the begging game, well, they need to be rewarded...

This is not a mansion and from the appearance of the house they don't have very much money. But to turn the farmhouse you inherited from your grandma into a real life sized doll house...well, we call that art... _________________________________________________________

I used to put out a daily email before I started my blog. I had a "Guy Part" just as an excuse to see a little skin, and one of the favorites was Painted Ladies. So... _________________________________________________________

I have no idea if thse stats are correct, but this whole concept confuses me. There are millions if not billions of people all over the globe who want us dead. "Us" meaning you and me. Yes, we could feed them so that they could grow up to be HEALTY people who want to kill us, and then we would have to kill them with an underfunded military. Don't make sense to me.

I personally don't think the following is all that funny, but it's gone viral and I felt compelled to share it... _________________________________________________________

The most awesome T-shirt IN THE WORLD!!!! _________________________________________________________

OUCH!

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Believe it or not, this is being called the first cyborg in the world. The man had his finger cut off and an extension was permanently attached. The extension has a flash drive in it.

One of my very own.... A late arrival...

A paper in the journal Alcoholism: Clinical and Experimental Research suggests that - for reasons that aren't entirely clear - abstaining from alcohol does actually tend to increase one's risk of dying. The most shocking part? Abstainers' mortality rates are higher than those of heavy drinkers.

But here's what amazes me....

Things that drunks do more often than non-drunks...

- drive impaired (or drive with someone who is impaired)

- get in fights

- drown in their own vomit

- walk around with no equilibrium

- try to "do shit", like fix the light switch

- fall off boats

- shoot one another during hunting trips

- shooting one another on purpose

- trying to have sex with their large dogs

- trying to have sex with their neighbor's farm animals

- doing any number of things naked that were never intended to be done naked.

- taking bets on doing feats that have never been done since....well...never.

- trying to crawl up on the roof of the YMCA girls shower room at the lake to look down through the skylight...or something like that I would never, ever do.........again.

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