"YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG"

-Things to Avoid Doing at All Costs -

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"Birds live in nests. This is where Mommy Bird lays her eggs and Daddy Bird comes home falling down drunk having spent the worm money."

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Hey, non-smokers die every fucking day. Sleep tight.

"We're not poor, son. We're rick in privations." 

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An ounce of prevention is worth more if you break it up into nickel bags.

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You only get one crack at this life, so find yourself a good hammer and get to hammering.

Start with the small bones in your feet.

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You could be truly fucked, and not just the basic normal fucked, but a whole new fucked. Buck up, little guy, this has got real unparalleled pain written all over it.

Yeah, that ought to calm the screaming bastard down.
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"Excuse me, young man, do you work here?"

"Yes, sir, I do."

"Well, how old are these dinosaur bones?"

"65 million years, 3 months and 8 days, sir."

"How can you be so accurate?"

"Well, when I got here I asked the curator and he told me 65 million years and I've been working here for 3 months and 8 days."

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I know this probably upsets me more than normal folk, since I spent years earning a master's degree in art, but this is NOT "Folk Art". It's shit.

They should have had lessons like the one below that I can't even understand.

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I met the woman who made this sculpture. I told her that it sucked and she said, "I guess all those fucking lessons I took didn't help."
I said, "Well, there you have it. You should have taken art lessons."

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Americans continue to stockpile firearms in anticipation that Barack Obama is determined to remain black.

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???????

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This is why I came to America...

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USE LESS ADJECTIVES - MORE VERBS

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"Let's see, we have the burgers, and the buns, a flood up to our asses and Uncle Ed's dick hanging out for everybody to see.....Let's eat!"

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That stripper really didn't love you either....

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I think everyone should know at least one secret language.

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??????

That reminds me of those little fish that follow the sharks around and nibbles the parasites off them....but that might just be me.
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I had a friend who used to eat fortune cookies...fortune and all. Then he choked to death. According to the pathologist, our friend's fortune read: WARNING: CHOKING HAZARD.

 When I was nine I pushed my invisible friend off a cliff. 

It could have been the other way around.

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"It's not my job."

There are so many fucked up things that are wrong because the simple solution to the problem was not the responsibility of the one causing it. 

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I think that all pet fish should be named Lorna or Jack.
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2010 should be all about getting ready for 2011....and 2012....and.....

"I can't believe how lifelike Obama looks on TV."

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Please, for the love of clowns everywhere, don't do this again.

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I can't remember doing a single potentially dangerous thing during my preteen years, unless you count risking getting caught by my sister while licking her Barbie's breasts.

( NOTE: I will keep posting every image I get of these sadistic bastards getting their comeuppance. )
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In sad transportation-related news, an escaped crocodile on a plane caused a panic, ultimately resulting in the plane crashing and the deaths of the 20 people on board. One person survived; unfortunately, it was not the jackass who smuggled the croc onto the plane, therefore denying the grievers the opportunity of kicking his ass.

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The brochure said that she is a real go-getter. She quite pre-school cause it had recess.

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People should stop eating food that would be found incompetent to stand trial.

(read that again I like it very much)

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(for Mel)

I like my friend, Mel. He's about eight shades of nuts. Thinks books get lonely at night when the lights go out and that tiny bears live in his sink drain. My kind of man.

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I love this fucker! He's like social commentary steroids on comedy steroids.

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We navigate our whole lives using words. Change and improve the words and you change and improve your life..........................FUCK YOU!

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 Well, at least it doesn't grow in the fucking dirt.

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 TRUE: In Spain prostitutes must wear bright yellow vests.........okay.

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This bitch is right in the middle of a violent riot in France and she looks like it's a surprise birthday party.

"No riot badge for you, young lady!"

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..................(you have to deal with this one yourself)..........

(I don't do fruit jokes)
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This bitch has a veil IN her veil.....or I guess it's a bitch.....

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Before she left for her walk, her friend said, "If anything interesting happens, please let me know immediately."

(at least the friend will get to hear the sirens)

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One of my very own...

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TODAY'S WORD TO THE WISE: If you are sitting at a table and someone announces that a child everyone knows and loves has Asperger Syndrome (a serious behavioral problem) and you think they said "Ass Burger Syndrome", DO NOT LAUGH.  I mean it.....for real. Write that shit down somewhere.
I had to grovel through three more beers and I'm still not sure I'm out of the woods.
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