ANIMALS THAT DON'T SUCK

(or as I call it, a day off)

*****

You know what I'd like to be? Somewhere there is a school where the TSA teaches all those agents how to pat down fliers. I want the job as the pat down dummy. Just standing around all day letting someone grope me, and getting paid for it, kind of appeals to me.

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This is a bear chasing a buffalo down a highway...

And this is why it is running....and he may win. You see the bear is running for dinner, the buffalo is running for it's life. 

Did you know that Hippos kill more people than crocodiles?

He named it Harold. Harold named him lunch.

This is true. It was stated that the dog was a life saver.

Best Chewbacca lookalike EVER!

It's a dog eat dog world out there, ya'll.

Look at that dog's tongue....ummmmmm.

Speaking of birds...

???????

 HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

This has bad ending written all over it...

I once wrote a short story about a young friend of mine who had a boa constrictor in an aquarium. Every so often he would drop in a young mouse that he had mailed to him. What was striking about the whole thing was, the snake would let the mouse run all over the cage until it got hungry. They would sleep together, look each other in the eye, and even play, but then the day came.....

Question: Whose menstrual periods...hers or the animal's?

And if it means the animal's, how the fuck would you know a thing like that...look around the cage for big ass Tampons?

Elephants are not domesticated. They will not produce children in captivity. The only way to acquire a young elephant is to steal it from the mother in the wild; most often by killing it. Bummer that.

How to lose your matador scholarship in one little leap...

HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!1

One of my very own...

WOMEN WHO LOOK LIKE SLUTS, BUT PROBABLY AREN'T...

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Speaking of animals....my wife noticed a mysterious $39 charge on her Discover Card store account and called them. They said that it was for some sort of bullshit insurance that had been authorized by one of her employees. She asked which employee and was given the name. My wife then asked the employee why she would authorize an expenditure without permission and was told that the only thing they asked was address and phone number. So my wife called Discover again and demanded to hear the tape of the permission they had been given. So Discover played the tape, which was: "Yes.....yes.....yes." No questions on the tape....just the replies. Jeeeeeeez!

(Aside: When I was somebody in this town, I was being interviewed on TV about once a month and they taught me that when they asked "How old are you?", I should not say, "39". You should say, "I'm 39 years old", therefore they can edit the question out of the clip. Therefore, if the scammers question is "Is your address 122 A Street?", you should say, "My address is 122 A Street." That could work.)

Well, aware of the scam, my wife went nuts (you would have to know this woman to know what that means). She demanded all of her money back, etc, etc. She then called every governing body that could possibly have anything to do with this. Today she got a call asking her if she would testify in court with a class-action suit from the SC Attorney General's Office.
There just might be a god.
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